Need some advice to stop going to escorts & watching webcams

jyvais · Jun 6, 2018

MarriedIn2013 said: ↑

First of all thanks so much for sharing your story, it's very insightful.
Regarding your comments (the ones I quoted) telling her the truth would also be a kick in the face, whether I tell her or whether she finds out - there is no way to provide her that information without a kick in the face. That's my opinion.

Why are you saying so? And why can't I tell my wife if I have sexual needs? That has nothing to do with telling her or not.

I am not too sure I agree with this.
You see, once you kill a flower it's difficult to reinstate or regenerate it back to the same way it was before.
The advice to tell her for me sounds like an advise to take a flower and kill it.

By the way I might be wrong with my assumptions and my wife might take a much lighter approach than what I tend to believe and than what I described in this thread. I really don't know.

What's for sure, I won't launch the nuclear bomb before I fully understand the consequences of doing so, and right now I am not in a position to hit the launch button if you can understand me.
Click to expand...

Sure, take your time, keep your desire to change alive, stay commited, that’s the most important and the rest will come naturally. I wish I didnt have to tell my wife such a thing but you see by using porn, I had already kill the flower. Telling her was the only way to start over. It took me a while too and my only regret is not telling her when I was your age, I might have stop then.

MarriedIn2013 · Jun 7, 2018

AnonymousAnnaXOXO said: ↑

See what you and your wife can do as a TEAM.
Click to expand...

We did a lot more as a team this week, my wife was very happy with that, we sat together at evenings and finally talked, and I insisted on having NO PHONES next to us, because many time she uses the phone whilst we talk and I told her to put it away so we can 100% dedicate time to each other.

This week was quite a "successful" one, I wish every week was like it or like most of it, I feel like I used every single moment I had to do only good stuff. You asked me about budget, then budgetwise we're doing okay, I think we're even above average but it's very difficult for my wife to spend money, especially on herself, she is not the type of person who would go out and spend money on herself, I am trying to push her, I told her this week take $1,000 and buy whatever you want, but she just deposited the cash into our bank, I didn't get upset, was just disappointed.

noexcuses said: ↑

@MarriedIn2013, It seems like your plan is essentially this: 1. Never use webcams or escorts again, 2. never mention the escorts to your wife, and 3."make up for" (the escorts) by being the best possible husband and father for the remainder of your days.
Click to expand...

Supposedly that was the plan, I am not sure if that is still the plan or not, currently I'm just trying to digest everything.

I feel extremely sad this thread or how shall I put it - coming in here and discussing things with you was very helpful. I started the thread on May 29, being almost 10 days without fapping whatsoever is the best thing in the world.

But I agree - I don't know how long it will last, and I feel like I'd have less support I had here than before, because this thread is becoming "old fashioned" and there's not much to add into it, I assume, and that is the biggest risk with fapping - not having goals or directions. Right now I have them but can I keep it like that for the rest of my life? I honestly don't know!

Bottom line - nothing is sealed and done, nothing is final, I haven't said this would be my permanent plan (these 3 steps you mentioned), I'm right now still digesting everything, it could take a while until I figure out what you're trying to tell me all this time, and it could be that this 3 step plan would somehow "work", I don't know, I need to swallow the pill and see the effects at some point in life.

EyesWideOpen · Jun 8, 2018

MarriedIn2013 said: ↑

that is the biggest risk with fapping - not having goals or directions. Right now I have them but can I keep it like that for the rest of my life? I honestly don't know!
Click to expand...

Find a good CSAT/CMAT to start therapy. Look online for the closest SAA or SA group near you and startbattending meetings. These are tools that will help you stay sober.

And believe it or not, your wife could be one of your biggest supporters if you have her the chance, even if you broke her heart in the beginning. There are quite a few of us out here like that. (I'm not pushing you to tell her anymore, just giving you another venue of support that is available if you choose to explore that option.)

You cannot stay sober by NoFap alone. You will need to seek external help from somewhere if you intend to beat this.

MarriedIn2013 · Jun 9, 2018

Thanks EWO. So far still clean but "not looking" forward for a new week, just some gut feeling, that's all. What is CSAT / CMAT ?

EyesWideOpen · Jun 9, 2018

MarriedIn2013 said: ↑

Thanks EWO. So far still clean but "not looking" forward for a new week, just some gut feeling, that's all. What is CSAT / CMAT ?
Click to expand...

CSAT is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (all types of sexual acting out fall under this).

CMAT is a Certified Multiple Addiction Therapist.

Here's more: https://www.iitap.com/certification/

souvlakispacestation · Jun 10, 2018

The Strategist said: ↑

Porn addiction has robbed me of the ability to be truly emotionally connected with someone.
Click to expand...

Are you sure about this one? Or is it possible that whatever led you to porn addiction is also the thing that robs you of your ability to be truly emotionally connected with someone?

I was under the impression that maladaptive coping strategies regarding emotions underlie both problems. I have a hard time believing that abstinence from porn alone will allow you to connect more easily.

If you are interested in learning about how to connect with another person you might enjoy some of Grant Hillary Brenner’s (admittedly corny) articles on the topic of “irrelationship”, his posts under the blog “ExperiMentations” on Psychology Today or Steven Stosny’s articles on Psychology Today.

The Strategist · Jun 10, 2018

souvlakispacestation said: ↑

Are you sure about this one? Or is it possible that whatever led you to porn addiction is also the thing that robs you of your ability to be truly emotionally connected with someone?

I was under the impression that maladaptive coping strategies regarding emotions underlie both problems. I have a hard time believing that abstinence from porn alone will allow you to connect more easily.

If you are interested in learning about how to connect with another person you might enjoy some of Grant Hillary Brenner’s (admittedly corny) articles on the topic of “irrelationship”, his posts under the blog “ExperiMentations” on Psychology Today or Steven Stosny’s articles on Psychology Today.
Click to expand...

Interesting post, thanks.

I'm not sure if porn is the only reason I'm not able to connect with people emotionally, but I'm 100% sure it has contributed to that inability.

Rehab101 · Jun 11, 2018

EyesWideOpen said: ↑

Oh my, the fog is strong with this one.

So much addict thinking here trying to hold on to the addiction.

Let me be very clear about this. She is going to find out about your repeated betrayals one way or another. You may think that you have it under wraps and that she is none the wiser, but she isn't stupid. She knows. She might not know exactly what it is, but she knows its something. It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, it could be next year, it could be in ten years. But she WILL find out about all of your infidelities, on and off screen. Right now you have the choice in how she will find out. And that could make all the difference in the world as to whether your marriage succeeds or not.

You are not only lying to your wife, you are lying to yourself as well. You are not looking for advice to help you beat your addiction. You are looking for ways to justify the reason for not telling your wife. You want back up for your decision to continue deceiving her. This shows in the vast amount of "googling" you have done on the subject (because google is clearly your marriage counselor). But instead you are all about the lying. Lying about the webcams, lying about the escorts, lying about therapy. Lying about everything.

Dude, man up. Take care of your kids instead of shoving them in front of a screen. It's called being a parent. Do you realize how many people do that everyday? Do you realize how many stay at home moms are with their kids 24 hours a day with no breaks? Do you realize how many moms (and some dads) are parenting alone for months on end while their loved one is away in the military? How about single parents? You don't get a pass because you are tired or stressed. Parenting is hard and it takes ALL of your energy ALL of the time. Especially when they are little. Take your kids to the park, have a movie night, play board games with them, do a craft, whatever it is, BE PRESENT WITH THEM.

But you can't do that. You know why? You are not emotionally equipped to. You do not know how to emotionally connect with your wife. You do not know how to emotionally connect with your kids. You do not know how to emotionally connect with anyone right now. This is where your addiction comes from.

Hear me when I say this. You cannot do this on your own. You need help beyond what you have sought out so far. First things first, you will need to come clean to your wife. Perhaps you don't tell her the extent of things just yet, but tell her you have a sex addiction and are seeking help. Next, find a good CSAT/CMAT and attend regularly. A good one will tell you what you NEED to you hear, not what you WANT to hear. A good one will encourage you to be 100% transparent with your wife, even if it takes a little time to get there, not tell you to deceive her. They may even help you with your disclosure, helping you both navigate through it. Next, visit a 12 step group like SAA or SA and get a sponsor. Attend meetings regularly, keep up with your sponsor in the way you have arranged with him.

You can only truly begin healing when you first stop lying to yourself and then get real with yourself. You will know you have hit this point when you feel true sorrow and true remorse over all of this. You may think you have done that already, but from these posts alone, it is clear that you haven't yet. You'll know.

Good luck to you. It's a long, hard road but it can be won.
Click to expand...

So far so many black and white comments I see. Even though I agree with the completely honest from the op to his wife, I am sure there are some radical relationship way in doing that. Those that with swinging or go to strip club together...Etc. Empirical study or not, these kinds of moral questions are too hard to gauge...How they do the study are all based on models with limitations and individuals feedback...Not saying they are not right and suggestive..But at least provide the exact paper and reference to show your claim...These honesty debate are too complex for me, and I simply reply on my Christian belief as my moral compass. That makes my life easier.

I am not married and am in a dating relationship. When it comes to kids, I strongly suggest both parents need to make sacrifice . Don't matter u like it or not. Just do the god dam right thing. Kids need parents to grow up. Too many mess up kids in US at least due to improper parenting. And this is not an overstatement

The Strategist · Jun 11, 2018

GhostWriter said: ↑

If there is to be no moral grounds upon which to base it, then why bother with any of it (recovery I mean)?
Click to expand...

I base my recovery on the idea that it's going to make me and my partner happier and healthier.

I never think in terms of "right" or "wrong". I think in terms of whether my actions are leading to suffering or happiness.

MarriedIn2013 · Jun 13, 2018

Rehab101 said: ↑

I am not married and am in a dating relationship. When it comes to kids, I strongly suggest both parents need to make sacrifice . Don't matter u like it or not. Just do the god dam right thing. Kids need parents to grow up. Too many mess up kids in US at least due to improper parenting. And this is not an overstatement
Click to expand...

Can you elaborate on that please?
Do you actually think that telling her will help raise the kids or it will only cause damage and deterioration that the kids don't need on top of what they have already?

MarriedIn2013 · Jul 2, 2018

I've just come across this one:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...addicted-to-escorts-prostitutes.105010/page-2

Read posts #29-30 (and/or more). I tend to agree with what "im_alive" is saying there.

Log in

Need some advice to stop going to escorts & watching webcams

jyvais Fapstronaut

MarriedIn2013 Fapstronaut

EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

MarriedIn2013 Fapstronaut

EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

souvlakispacestation Fapstronaut

The Strategist Fapstronaut

Rehab101 Fapstronaut

The Strategist Fapstronaut

MarriedIn2013 Fapstronaut

MarriedIn2013 Fapstronaut

Share This Page