A very STRONG question to all the women on this forum

It’s natural for humans to want to have sex with other humans. The history/ biology argument is always made and the rebuttal is all about how we’ve evolved and modernized, grown civilized, etc. But I sure as hell hope we aren’t living the same as we were 3000 years ago.

It’s no longer necessary to populate as we once did and social contracts have arisen. You want a faithful and devoted partner and so do we. One of the generally accepted ‘cheating’ theories is if you wouldn’t do it with your partner standing right there, it’s probably not ok.

The compartmentalization is part of the problem which feeds the addiction and creates the dual lives. We’ve all heard so many justifications and rationalizations for the behaviors but as you noted they are addict behaviors. But unlike alcohol or drugs or any other addiction, these are people. Sometimes real and sometimes pixelated. But human beings at the end of the day. One of the problems with this addiction and such associated perceptions is how it reduces people to objects.

One of my favorite quotes:



And while looking for it I found these too, which seemed fitting

 

To be clear, I fully applaud your efforts at quitting and your honesty. The struggle is real. For everyone. Addiction is a beast and destroys lives. And it’s hard as hell to overcome. So those who are fighting the good fight are to be commended.

I personally think the objectification may be both a cause and effect of PA. Kind of a chicken/egg scenario. Both making the other worse. I believe a lot of PAs on here will say that after working recovery, though, this perspective shifted.

From an SOs perspective, you’re right too. It is a matter of respect and loyalty both to your partner and every other woman, whether your partner is present or not. Nobody wants to be the wife/gf who gets pitied because her SO cant keep his eyes or thoughts to himself. It’s insulting and humiliating.

 

Id like to point out that you wouldn't have come forward 3000 years, if it weren't for monogamy.
It's monogamy that gives humans our big brains.
So, yes, we do crave being with one person.
Science says it kept us healthy enough to evolve the species so we would stop passing deseases and could grow to have the technological advances we have now.
So... Your Welcome for vaccines and that cell phone.
The big brain (monogamy) passed down generations! Gave you.

 

This is like a Googlable thing.
(o.0)
And we are all on the internet.
Right now.
This is one of those really irritating things.
I'm trying not to be irritated about...
But it's like.... Didn't anyone pay attention to 10th grade health history?
(based on how many PAs ask This* question)

Or!!
Instead of porn.
.. Maybe take a refresher coarse in some of this!
Maybe............

 

What?
It's a word.... I used it in a sentence

 

Well sorry, but that is not the case. It is fire and cooking our food that has given us our big brains. This link here: points to the studies which point to the energy reasons for our big brains. This link here: points at various other hypotheses for explaining the big brains possessed by homo sapien sapien. (Sorry, cannot post links yet. But Googling should get you the information).

While I did find a recent study, that points to this reason for Monogamy, there is not much research in this direction. From my understanding of biological evolution, the spread of diseases would have either meant, the extinction of the species, or the evolution of the species into a form which was immune to those diseases. Could you please point to the sources here.

The more viable reasons for Monogamy in humans IMHO seems to be to foster the number of viable offspring sired by the male.

Social monogamy has evolved over the last 1500 (may be more) years or so and I am happy with the status quo.

This does make me really sick to the stomach. This is not evolutionary behavior. If anything it does not make any evolutionary sense at all. The fact that you think, that it is disrespecting your partner is enough to prove that this is not evolutionary.

I appreciate your honesty and guts to say it out aloud, but feel that it might be the PA speaking. Or it might be the skewing of the perception of reality brought on by the PA.

 

This reminded me of posts I read that pointed back to the below forum and how so many wives find themselves alone in one way or another due to breast cancer and subsequent scars. It should be a badge of honor/survival and a celebration of life. Instead, this. Devastating.

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topics/807330

A lot of people have turned against the “save the boobies/tatas” campaign because it focuses on salvaging parts (the sexually objectified ones of course) rather than saving the whole woman.

 

I have two more videos and a study I can post but my phone doesn't want to load in the thunderstorm.

Pairing is difficult, but it' what makes you smarter as a species.
So, yeah. Monogamous makes for a bigger brain.
Don't think I would have said so without sources.

 

Good to know!

 

My boyfriend and I haven't been together very long, only 6 months. But he suffers from PIED. My ex husband was an alcoholic and drug addiction. I stood by his side for 5 years. His addiction to that wasn't what ended out marriage. He was into things that I wasn't and we grew into different people .My boyfriend on the other hand, has had a few relapses. I expect that though. I am really hard on him when he does though... I think as long as he was honest and up front with me about everything I can try my hardest to be understanding. We are going to try a penis pump to see if that helps. I think being sexual with a real woman could really help him. And if it doesn't work and he isn't complet healed by November I told him that he needs to go to the doctor just to make sure it's not a health thing. Because he isn't a very healthy person and he said he will. So I guess I'll know more when that time comes .

 

It may feel that way but you're going to have to go through the feeling and get to the other side if you want to get better. You're going to have to go through the pain of withdrawal. There is no way around that. Don't think of it as "depriving" yourself. Think of it as starving your addict. When you say "deprived", it implies an entitlement. Like, as a man, you are entitled to ogle women. This circles right back into what I and some others were saying earlier about abstaining vs recovering. Recovery is about facing our entitlements, resentments, fears, harms, and repairing them. The porn is but a symptom.

Also, a real mean does not gawk and fantasize about women. I real man respects all people and loves and devotes himself to his partner and his family.

Note: what I say below, I'm not calling you out or putting you down. I hope you take this as a gentle, helpful criticism.

I suggest you take questions like these to new threads in a different forum. If the question isn't specifically about recovering in a relationship it doesn't belong here. Dealing with these kinds of issues can be upsetting to partners in recovery and potentially trauma triggering and rightly so. Even if it helps you to hear the views of those affected, it can help you at a cost to them. Part of good recovery is considering how our actions affect others before we take them.

Peace to you,
-Quinn

 

This.

And I would also add, @Strategist, you aren't doing it alone. You're getting help here

Peace,
-Quinn

 

Yes it does make me feel guilty, extremely guilty, but that guilt had been reduced by the fact that I was thinking like an addict.

And it is not the "Checking the girls out" that makes me feel sick to my stomach. It is the "feeling deprived if one does not check them out", that makes me feel sick to my stomach. The entitlement in that sentiment is what is the problem, not so much the sentiment itself. I think that entitlement is the reason for there being a requirement for feminism and the MeToo movement.

But then again, I think that the entitlement comes from the addict in you.

Warning: Trigger.

Something like Friends Season 4 episode 17 "The one with the free Porn". Where Chandler goes to the bank, but is disappointed because the really hot teller does NOT ask him to do it with her in the vault.