My current plan for recovery

INTRO
As of posting this I have 42 days sober from all PMO, and little to no cravings for PMO. The lust of the mind is still with me (looking too long at girls in skimpy clothing), so I’m by no means cured. However, this is the most free from sex addiction I’ve ever been. I’m no guru, I just do what I’ve learned from others and it seems to be working, so I wanted to share. I’ll try to update as I grow and learn more.


MY QUALIFICATIONS (PMO STORY)

I saw my first porn at age 10. It was a 2 foot high stack of playboys and penthouse. Right away I realized penthouse, being more hardcore, was better. This gave birth to a world of early sexual desire that has lasted ever since.

Over the next 4 years I experienced some strange sexual experiences that border on potential abuse. First, was showing up to a sleepover with only male friends, and being coaxed into dancing naked with everyone. After that was a few experiences of friends finding their parent’s condoms and us trying them on. Next was a string of group masturbation sessions with a VERY close friend who would always end games of Truth or Dare (during sleepovers) with a dare of masturbating. It was a bit weird but feel good so I went along. The last event was the strangest, where a game of Truth or Dare. Once again, I picked “too many truths, and I had to pick dare.” So I did and this dare was an escalation of masturbation and Involved me having to do something to him. I said I didn’t want to and he said i had to cuz it was a dare. After going back and fourth for a bit, I finally felt obligated (I was shy as a kid and this was my only friend, my best friend since birth). As stood over me amd started I then said I really didn’t want to and his exact words were “I wasn’t going to do it I just wanted to see if you would.” Right after this, my real porn adventures began.

This takes us to age 13-14. The internet was just getting strong and P2P file sharing was band new. I went to school and a friend handed me a burned DVD with hundreds of videos and pics on it. Being a teen, there also was age appropriate content. I immediately asked him how I could do this myself, and went home to download my own content. Similar to today you would download a folder of content and within sub folders are many other genres that I never thought of looking at. (I’ll let you be the judge of what it was. Let’s just say I went looking for one flavor and was eventually fed all 31 flavors).

From that day until 42 days ago, I have been exploring porn on a daily basis. Since cellphones became “smart” a brand new world of porn opened up. It was secretive, pocket sized, portable, and infinite. I remember being on a page of a certain genre and all images were as expected except one. After the third time of viewing it, I clicked it and a new fetish was born. Along with this, I learned about social network apps which allowed for trading vids/pics, and once again it was easy to be fed new genres (and revisit old genres), opening my mind to new fetishes. It’s important to note that not all things I looked at were nude. This in some cases added to the lies I fed myself, telling myself it’s all ok because they’re not naked and no one is a victim here - even though my thoughts were definitely unhealthy and it was still taking me deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.

I should say I always felt huge guilt and shame surrounding this and attempted to quit many many times with little to no success. I would get a few days, sometimes a week or so, but the whole time I felt like crawling out of my skin. I was literally battling the inner beast on my own and losing the fight, eventually leading to a relapse every time. Sometimes staying sober for a few days sometimes for an hour max. I remember saying to myself “never again!” Only to be back at it once I regenerated.

All of this wasn’t enough for me. So I escalated even further into porn genres that I didn’t think I would ever look at. I grew to like public stuff, so me, my phone and my car were a great combination. I had a 40 minute drive home from work, and many times I would watch porn while driving, strip off all my cloths still while driving, and masturbate the whole way home. Eventually I still needed more, so as cars passed I would watch them, I would drive close to trucks who might look in, I would keep the porn visible so others passing by could see. One time before my cloths came alll the way off, but I was masturbating and watching porn, I must have been swerving my car a little bit, because I got pulled over. Luckily I was able to button up and act cool. He let me go cuz he thought I was an easy drunk driving arrest, but soon realized I wasn’t drunk and was a waste of his time. Imagine if it had been a few minutes down the road!!! I would have been naked and possibly arrested for indecent exposure!!!

I also got really into online sexting and tried master/slave anonymous sexual relationships for years. This caused mental and physical trauma which I grew to like and accociated it with my sexual desires. Guilt and shame grew, which then fed the degradation I craved. Eventually all of this lead to classified ads and a few unprotected, possibly unsafe sex. All of this was with men and I’m not even gay! It’s just way easier to get the job done with a guy. Girls require flirtation and conversation. Guys require nothing, so my addiction took me there.

Masturbating 8 times a day was a normal routine. But I actually enjoyed not orgasming for weeks and edging the whole time. The reason for this was to Stay as high as possible as long as possible, knowing that as soon as I orgasm I wouldn’t have to rest for a day before I Got Back to that level of frisky again.

42 days ago I was in the darkest lowest place I’ve ever been. Feeling hopeless and alone. Depressed and full of anxiety. I had ignored all of my friends so I was super lonely and had burned all bridges with professional work associates and all I had to calm me was PMO. This is where I regularly viewed porncfetishes that are the darkest for me, rotating between 2-3 genres at the bottom of list list. Thoughts of sucicide were often. I felt like my life was a video game and I had made a bunch of wrong moves 10 lvls ago that got me stuck and the only way out was to restart the game. This is when I started to convince myself that I was Hindu/Buddhist so I could believe in reincarnation and say “this life is done. time to start my next one.” Luckily there was a very small amount of hope left in me and I started getting help. Below is my current recovery plan.

If you’re story isn’t as bad as mine or is worse, it doesn’t mean you’re not an addict or that you can’t recover. Everyone’s road to recovery is different. Hopefully some of you who haven’t gone as far as me can stop earlier before your life’s is wrecked as bad as mine. Wherever you are in your addiction, you are valid. If you feel you’re an addict and have a desire to stop you can!



MY CURRENT SOLUTION

AA talks about how addicts can’t stop on their own and if somehow they do stop they can stay stopped on their own for long. Basically, eventually we will always relapse.

We can break that cycle by doing a few things daily to stay on a spiritual path. I really struggle with this concept because I’m not religious and haven’t spent much time doing spiritual things. But luckily AA talks about how it’s “my concept” of spirituality. So I don’t have to believe in a specific religion or type of god. And it can be as simple or complex as I need it to be.

For example I don’t have to meditate for 10 hours a day in order to recover. I can do 10 minutes and that’s enough, for now. Who knows, later on I might need to do more time or drop it down to 5 minutes per day. The key for me is self honesty, which is the next topic AA talks about.

It says we must practice “rigorous honesty” in order to recover. This is one of my biggest focuses. I tend to do this mainly with my morning journaling. This is where I write down all the true feelings and thoughts im having and really do my best to get past the BS lies that I tell myself. For years those lies have protected me from uncomfortable feelings, but I need to be honest in order to recover, so now I feel those feelings and learn to live with them. I’ve cried a bunch recently which is a new thing for me.

Here’s an example of how that rigorous honesty works. I had nothing to do so I was gonna watch some tv. I remember people said good things about HBO’s WestWorld. I knew it had nudity in it and if I was 100% honest with myself this wasn’t going to be a problem because I felt really solid in my recovery and my motivation was pure. I ended up not having time, so a few days later I went back to start the show. Just before I was about to start, I had a really quick thought and got excited about the potential nudity. So I decided not to watch it that day and save it for later.

The moral is there’s no outside thing that will cause me to relapse or stay sober. Westworld is neither good or bad, a trigger or not. It’s my honest motivation about wanting to watch it that gets me into trouble. And if I’m practicing rigorous honesty, then I’ll be ok. It’s like an alcoholic going to a bar. He can without any problems as long as his motivation is pure, but if there’s any doubt it’s best to stay away for now.

AA also talks about doing prayer, meditation and journaling EVERY DAY. These are essential. Once again as long as I practice honesty, the length of time for each is incredibly flexible. I do 10 minutes of meditation, 10 minutes of journaling and about 5 minutes of prayer (at most), and I don’t do any of them perfect. I do this every morning the second I wake up before I do anything else (except bathroom). Every morning I read the AA 11th step morning prayer and every night i read the 11th step nightime prayer - really quick and simple, 2 paragraphs total.

I’m not religious and really struggle with prayer. I don’t have the luxury of religion where I can speak to a being in the sky with great conviction. My concept is way more abstract which makes the daily communication seem super strange. Like who am I talking to? So what has helped with this is I see my higher power as “the universe” and I am apart of this huge flow of life - I’m along for the ride. Forests exist, animals live there, things are born and die, all of this happens whether I’m here or not. That’s the force that I reach out to when praying. I usually ask to be apart of that flow and hope that I can learn how to be better in the flow of life; to better follow that inner moral compass that I was born with but ignored for years.

I have also started to attend Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meetings. Here I have the ability to be honest with others and get any secrets off my chest. Holding something inside and not talking about it is a huge form of dishonesty that needs to be corrected. I do this sometimes by sharing at a meeting, but also have phone numbers of people from the meetings and throughout the week if I need to talk to someone I shoot them a text and let them know what going on. I also do this with some friends who I trust and also my parents. this stops me from saying “im good. Everything is fine.” when actually I’m freaking out on the inside.

Along with attending meetings I got a sponsor and am working the 12 steps using the AA big Book. A sponsor is someone who has worked the steps before and can guide me through the process.

Helping others is also a big part of AA. The best way I can help is to be there for other addicts and support them. I do this at SAA meetings, but also on these forums. every day I’m spending some time reaching my hand out. I’m always very careful to not get a big head and start giving “you should do this” advice. Just try to support people and offer whats been working for me. Once again self honesty is key here. I also try to be as helpful as I am capable in other ways, with strangers (if I have the courage) or with friends and family. Nothing crazy. for example just putting my parent’s brand of milk in front of mine in the fridge so they have an easier time reaching for it . Small but helpful.

I also see a therapist. This is so far down on my list because it’s once a week for an hour. I’ve only gone 3 times so far and I’m sure it’s going to help me along the way, but for now I’m not sure how . I also have depression and anxiety which has become worse due to porn but might be an unrelated issue, so therapy is also for this. I’ve heard many others get great help with their sex addiction from a therapist, but I’m still unclear how this all works.

I do 2 other things daily that I’ll lump together because Its for my depression and anxiety. I do a bit extra to help with that. It might also be helping with my PMO addiction.

I do daily exersize, 10 minutes of weights and some cardio every day and I have cut all unnatural processed sugars and foods out of my diet. Pretty much eating veggies and grains that I cook at home. No more cake and bacon burgers. The good news is my taste buds have adjusted and everything tastes really good.

List of my daily practices
1. Morning Prayer (11th step AA Big Book)
2. Meditation (10 minutes)
3. Calisthenics exercise (10 minutes)
4. Daily journaling (10 minutes)
5. Rigorous honesty
6. Reach out to other rexoverying people
7. Never ever hold onto a secret.
8. Go to Sex addicts anonymous (SAA)
9. Work the 12 steps with sponsor
10. Go to a therapist once per week. (For depression)
11. Changed my diet to vegan with no processed sugars (for depression issues)
12. 1 hour walk (or 20 minute skateboard)


THE OUTCOME

with doing the above things I haven’t had to run from scenarios or be scared of my electronic devices. I have heard many people on here who add strict website blockers on their devices and also don’t take a computer or phone into certain rooms like The bathroom. One guy at an SAA meeting said he keeps his computers in the trunk of his car.

This has not been my experience. At the beginning for 2 weeks I was scared and did do some of this, but soon after doing the above work, I Came to a place of acceptance and I don’t have to protect myself, because let’s be honest, for me, nothing will get in my way of relapsing if I want to. If I don’t take my phone to the bathroom I’ll grab it afterwords and PMO elsewhere. Heck a fantasy and my hand are all I need! I do have an adult content block on my phone but this is to stop any random sites from popping up, cuz I don’t want to see it. Not to save me from relapse though. I have the password and can freely turn it on and off if I like.

With the above work I don’t need to protect myself because I don’t have very many urges and the ones I do have aren’t very strong; I write about my feelings, which are usually causing the urge, and call or text someone and it goes away.

When passing by girls on the street I have less sexualization of them. It’s still currently strong but if I think about what it was like 42 days ago, I would be staring really long, even try and sneak a pic and use it later. I even had a creepshot blog with 15k followers with all of my real creepshots. The best way to describe the change is, VERY SLOWLY certain urges and an almost animalistic obsession has turned towards a mere thought. It’s still there, just more like a memory of something that once was. Less of that intense obsession.

That said, the perfect (or even semi-perfect ) storm happens on a hot day when clothing is skimpy and a certain person walks by and I get the excitement rush and the butterflies in my stomach, but it used to be 95% of all girls walking by. The percentage is very slowly going down.

I have had nearly zero cravings for porn, masturbation, or orgasm. I don’t have to sit on my hands, or lock myself up, or try and distract myself with certain activities. Basically there is no outside force that saves me from relapse or causes me to relapse. I don’t have any triggers currently. In fact as far as I can tell triggers don’t exist for me. As long as I stay diligent with the simple work above, I think this might stay true. My mind still obsessed about sex, but I don’t have cravings for PMO to go along with it.

I was told about severe cravings for X amount of days and I haven’t had them. As I said, some days are harder than others in terms of the lust in my mind, but in terms of actual cravings which were strong and constant when trying to quit before, haven’t happened.

There are things that cause my mental obsession to flare up, but I have had nearly zero moments over the last 42 days where I felt like relapsing and had to fight. There are moments where my urges are a bit higher on the scale, but combating that with the above solutions, it lessens and I haven’t had a moment where I had to fight through an urge like I have done many many times over the past 10 years of attempting to quit on my own.

 

UPDATE:

So today I have 51 days sober off no PMO.

I’m not sure but it seems that when I jump on here and talk to people (and also when I talk to people from my SAA meetings) that I feel better and get a boost of encouragement for the day.

When I’m in a bad mood, feel like relapsing, am having a depressed bad day, if I reach out to someone and be honest and open about it, I can get through the moment and come out the other side sober.

If I’m having a good day and I reach out to others to offer encouragement or advice or just some support, I also feel better and more importantly I feel connected to my disease again; and am reminded about why I’m doing what I’m doing.

So in both cases me reaching out to others keeps me more safe from my addiction. This is my latest addition to my daily routine. I try to make sure I reach out to others. If I’m not feeling like it I do it anyway.

 

Yup. I totally agree. I started in Narcotics anonymous years ago, then moved to AA chasing my recover.

The 2 SAA meetings I go to are book study only 1 hour. So I get all the recovery with very little of the drama, dogma, and catchy phrases (“if your in a barbarshop long enough your gonna get a hair cut” etc...)

I definitely think nearly 100 years of 12 step programs plus the wider acceptance leading to government agencies sending people to them has caused it to sometimes be a social hang out rather than a place to recover. This is why I stay to book studies. There’s no time for the bs

I use SAA for a sponsor to work the steps, and book study to learn more, and the rest is much like this forum, People trying to get better. Fortunately for me, the meetings I go to are very gentle, much the nofap.

 

There’s a few fellowships, SA, SAA, SLAA.

SA is sexahilocs Anonymous. From what I’ve heard they have very strict rules for sobriety, which i find odd because everyone’s natural sexual morals are different. I’ve never been to one of these meetings though so it might be great.

SLAA is sex and love addicts anonymous. I’ve been to these. You will find a lot of people addicted to life there. Mainly I’ve seen shiny shirt wearing meatheads who go to clubs to seduce women, and then many women use sex as a way to feel loved. It bad, just seems to have a way more attention on loneliness and love addiction rather than sex.

SAA is sex addicts anonymous. This is what I attend because when I first started to get sober I was attending SLAA and a friend told me to go to SAA instead. I didn’t last long (this was 6 years ago). But this time around I went right back to SAA. It’s full of sex addicts. This can be depressing at times because sex addiction for some has gotten very extreme and caused legal trouble, which is why I chose to stick to book studies. Mainly because I’ve done some pretty dark stuff and hearing people’s stories makes me feel like we’re all f*cked... but everyone is different. The actual regulars in my book studies groups are really nice and stay talking about recovery.

Not saying any of the above are good or bad, just I ended up in SAA.

Oh and there’s also phone meetings daily too. They aren’t as helpful as a real meeting but Saturday nights there’s a book study that’s pretty cool. But it only feels fun if I participate in the readings otherwise I can space out and start daydreaming lol.

Hope this helps!