F*****g shower.

Dear Brothers in Fap,

I don't really tend to post threads around here anymore - I thought I was more or less on a good way to starting a life without masturbation, without that constant feeling of guilt and worthlessness. And I really am succeeding in a way - after all, my relapse today was at a ~100 days streak, which was already the third streak of that length. And yet, despite being pretty good at controlling myself for some time, I always seem to fail somewhere around 90-100 days. I'm not sure why. This time I wasn't even really counting days, thinking it's irrelevant to my development. And I stand by that conviction.

This thread has no other purpose than just self-meditating and sharing my thoughts with you - especially since I have no one else to share them with in my lonely life. NoFap was the spark that was supposed to change my solitude and misery, and I'm not saying it isn't helping. I'm still not there, though.

Today's relapse was of a rather awkward nature; recently I found a new, silly way of sexual arousal that seemed innocent at the beginning, but which - quite obviously - constituted a threat of which I had been aware: pouring hot water at my penis and genitals, which gives a nice sensation and never fails to provide an erection. After numerous sessions of that sort which I had been managing to end without relapsing or edging, I failed this morning, using a combination of penis rubbing and water pouring - it was my first and only self-made orgasm without touching. Hell of an accomplishment, huh.

Obviously, it didn't happen just like that - there was the usual moment of struggle of the "reasonable section" of my brain with the other part that just got out of bed depressed and tired with life and its challenges (of which there aren't even many in my life). Then I started doing it, thinking it'll end like always: with a short and pleasurable sensation, and that's it. This time I went a step further, being completely aware of the consequences. Any addict knows that logic and reason fail in the face of an irrational desire.

This is not the first time this pattern took place, however - my previous relapses were also depression-induced. Some sort of resignation always seems to hit me around day 100; like I am tired with resisting any longer, or something. The truth is, I don't experience any positive effects of the abstinence other than the (precious, indeed!) feeling of moral integrity that was my basic reason for abstaining in the first place. But the moral integrity - the knowledge and the feeling that you're not sinning against your most abstract ambitions and dreams - just seems so hard to maintain when my life remains a dull, tasteless routine of working and sleeping, with hardly any extra content. The most pathetic thing is that I know the exact ways to change this, and I do have the potential, but I always lack the energy, the drive and the belief in myself to get out of the vicious circle.

So, let the conclusion of this gloomy post be: don't blame masturbation for your problems - it is not the cause of your misery, but a symptom. A masturbation in itself is merely a physiological activity of which reasons lie deep within you. It is those reasons that you have to realize, and I believe ceasing masturbation is just the first step of this process - it's like rolling up the long carpet of your failures. Well, this certainly doesn't apply to those for whom PMO is just an obstacle to scoring chicks with a monster erection, but I know there are also many people here who, in their reasoning, connect masturbation with their low self-esteem, loneliness, social anxiety and so on.

Apart from maintaining abstinence, we also have to add something to our lives - we can't just take away things, hoping the rest will sort out itself somehow. This is what I have learned throughout my struggle. I am happy and proud not to masturbate that often anymore, and - especially - to have eliminated porn out of my life completely. It allows me to be more at peace with myself. But this obviously did not change my loneliness and the shallowness of my daily existence - to change this I need to take further action. I need to interact with other (decent) people more, I need to gain the feeling of accomplishment in my life (other than completing another translating assignment at work). I need to ensure that everyday I have a good, valid and attractive reason to get up, so that showering my fucking dick does not remain the last resort in gaining any pleasure from life. Geez.

If only this was as easy as it sounds...

I've been sitting all day today doing nothing (despite work pending) and feeling horrible about it. I will now drive to the pool just to swim from one end to another, wondering why I am even doing this, and then reminding myself I wanted to be fit at some point in my life.

I only hope there won't be any good looking girls around, so that I won't have to feel like a pathetic, relapsing moron who's unworthy of even glancing at a woman.

Cheers to you all,

Ekhangel

 

Thanks, mate.