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Handsome 27 y/o - still virgin, never had a GF

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by danidanidani, May 31, 2018.

  1. danidanidani

    danidanidani Fapstronaut

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    I don't know what's more frustrating. Having no gf because you're ugly or having no gf despite being handsome. First possibility can make you sad, I guess It's kind of sadness which is mixed with despair. Another possibility occuring rare makes you feel sad, but It's mixed with frustration. I feel hopeless with myself. I feel weak and helpless, because I can't conquer my complex, internal barriers to start building relationship. I feel devoid of self worth. I feel I'm not enough, and that women are perfectionists. This is partially truth - I'm not perfect, but my imperfections aren't that big, but my emotional brain doesn't know that. I feel like i'm out of this erotic-romantic connection, like I'm "no one" in aspects of being potentially a partner.

    I work in a mall. I sometimes see (feel) that cute girl staring at me in the shop vis-a-vis but I don't know what to do with it. I'm not attracted enough to be with her in relationship but I'm attracted enough to desire to be closer or perhaps have sex (but even if I was not shy, I would not want to be the type of man who goes to bed with every woman he likes). Some day our eyes met for 2 seconds and her gaze was really serious and focused on my person. I don't know what it means exactly but I felt embarassed and frightened. I wanted I lighter tone. I like when she looks at me, smiles sometimes, and when I look stealthily and pretending that I'm pretending that I don't do that. I like when I'm adored. I like also when It's on surface. Soon she will be a little bored, maybe a little disappointed (dreaming I will approach), maybe more indifferent to me. Another girl at my university. I don't know her. She sometimes comes to my classes. I was moderetely interested until she started to show me visible and quite strong signs of interest, like she just noticed me. She's probably shy, she may have problems with self worth. I wanted to know her better, just get to know her. At first she seemed a little reserved and indifferent. The day she "noticed" me I also changed my approach and became more focused on it. But that did not change my behavior. One day we sat at a break in the class on "our sits" a few metres from each other. I did not even look at her. I felt the feelings of being insulted on her, but I don't know why. After that, I was pissed off on myself a lot, that I did nothing to her.

    In the past, a few years ago I fell in love with a girl, who - as I'm conviced - also felt in love with me, but I did nearly nothing to get to know her. Now she is married. There are another short stories. I never grabbed a hand of any girl.

    I meet a lot of girls at work, but still I'm not ready. I've been on my first and only so far, arranged date, but that's over. I didn't want to continue this. Now some girl started to talk to me on the net. Told me, I'm cute and so on, on facebook. I said "thank you" and did nothing. It was a few days ago. She's cute also, brave and funny. What will I do? I don't know.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2018
    Clerk373, u376, _Xavier_ and 5 others like this.
  2. Red Eagle

    Red Eagle Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to a lot of what you're writing. I'm not saying I'm a model or anything but I'd say I'm a fairly attractive guy and my looks aren't in my way when it comes to getting to know girls. You don't have to be particularly physicaly attractive to get girls in the first place. I know that because I've seen tons of average or below average guys who were with attractive women.
    I'm 24 and still a Virgin, never kissed a girl etc. Basically I'm still at zero. I asked one girl out in my life but got rejected. My problem is that I just don't know what to do with girls. What should I talk with them about? What should I do with them if we go on a date? I'm a very introverted person and don't particullarly enjoy socialising. Sometimes there is just nothing in my head and I don't know how to act/what to do. I don't know how this is for other guys. Does this all come naturally to them? I can't imagine it being that difficult for other guys. Socialising is literally the most difficult thing in life for me.
    I also don't really have any male friends except one who I've know for over a decade. Again, I don't know what to do with them. It always feels like I'm not on the same level as other people.

    Do you think you have clear communication problems with girls or is is more anxiety?

    I tried NoFap and it helped a lot in many areas of my. My confidence is better, I walk up straight, I started working and eating healthier, playing video games less and learning more and just in general got my life more in order. The usual. But my social life didn't get any better during my time on NoFap.
     
  3. Samsung

    Samsung New Fapstronaut

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    You can try "fake it till you make it". It helped me a lot. I had overcome my introvertedness and negative thoughts with this method. It really works because we become what we think. So assume that you are a normal guy or even alpha and act like that. Eventually you will end up there
     
  4. Well, this may not work with everyone, but i say just let it flow. Even if its awkward at first, the conversation usually picks up on its own. I never have a plan of what im going to say. You just start out improvising (if you are funny or witty, i find that helps, but i dont think its essential) and pretty soon everything works out. Also, remember that the girl is only human. We tend to put them up on altars and this makes us scared, but they are people too. They have fears, insecurities, and nervousness just like you (some more than others, but they all have them). In fact, sometimes the most attractive and confident ones are putting on the biggest show. I knew a girl once who was ridiculously attractive and she put on airs, seeming like she was untouchable, but when i really got to know her i was shocked by how down to earth and insecure she was...I didnt mean to ramble on so much. To sum it up, just be yourself and let it flow. The rest will fall into place. Good luck
     
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  5. Here2learn17

    Here2learn17 Fapstronaut

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    It seems like your social anxiety is above normal and that’s probably something a therapist could help you with. I found it very challenging to talk to girls in my younger years also.

    I felt like I didn’t have any things in common with them and it made me very nervous and self aware if they were attractive.

    One thing that helped me was making female friends. If all the pressure of sex and romance is off then it opened me up to acctually getting to know a woman as a person and not just as somebody I potentially wanted to date. After having a friend relationship with a woman for a couple years my ease and confindence around women really went up.

    Also just extending your friend group would help with this. The more people youre friends with the more likely you are to be around women in a laid back situation. Opposed to a high stress one like asking a girl out you just met. I didn’t loose my virginity until 20 and every girl I’ve had any kind’ve serious relationship with was one that I met through my friend groups and who was introduced in a open non stressful social environment.

    If these things aren’t possible maybe try going on a dating site and typing in you just want to be friends with a girl. Try to go out and do something you both enjoy but with no intention of being romantic. It could help.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2018
  6. danidanidani

    danidanidani Fapstronaut

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    There is a girl on my university, comes to some lectures. A cutie. Solid 7,5-8. A little older, I think, than I'm. I know I attract her much. But at first she didn't attract me that much. She attracted me a little more after some time. How would it be if I used the fact that I attract her and just initiate some kind of relationship? I don't know. The fact that she's cute scares me. I think I would ruin it. Even if I wanted to give this relationship something romantic, it would probably end up like that we would end up on a boring, friendly foot. This is also about the fact that when I am in a relationship, it is very poor. It's called commitment phobia. I don't know how to quote: "It seems like your social anxiety is above normal and that’s probably something a therapist could help you with." It's not only a social anxiety. It's more complex. I can talk to people on neutral context (of course with embaracement, shyness, feeling of being inadequate or worse) but my fears become huge only when it comes to make real friends and enormous when it comes to possibility of real romantic relation. "Well, this may not work with everyone, but i say just let it flow." It makes some sense but only to some point. I'm witty indeed. Maybe more practice should be put, because despite being witty I luck of some social skills and I'm really uptight and cold outside. I can smile but It's rather friendly smile. Never erotic or romantic if the girl attracts me. Thanks guys for the comments which appeared so far.


    P.S. Some additional words about the girl. There is a guy who started approaching her. I see that they are beginning to connect more than just by companionship. I have the impression that he is picking her up. When I see this, there is a jealousy, a sense of low-esteem and a sense of lack of masculinity within me. The fact that she still glances at me, even if she's with the guy (also she was f.e. the only one who replied "hello" when I said "hello" to a group of several people) confuses me even more and causes irritation. This is not just about her. I feel that I do not make use of my life, time passed by, I'm alone, I don't know what is love. I could know it, but I don't.

    P.P.S. I could talk less and act more. But I like to pity and I like when someone takes care of me (subconsciously I seek it, so It's harder to take care of myself). I know a lot about myself because I participate in therapy.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2018
  7. treetop

    treetop Fapstronaut

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    My humble thoughts. First in your quote you score the girl. That's the world's objectification of women. What is a 6 or 8 or 2, the old saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And more importantly don't judge a book by it's cover, Beauty is only skin deep.

    Don't look at women as someone you need to be in a relationship with or like or have sex with. Start talking, being yourself. Admit to them you're a little shy. Ask them questions and follow their lead by follow up questions according to what they say. If you can't talk about yourself then talk about them with them. As you know there is no quick or easy fix. I'm glad to see you're in therapy because you can talk it out more there. But as someone said fake it to you make, it's worth doing it. Take it slow and most important be you.
     
  8. Hey man, I recognize your situation. I noticed, that when I use pmo, it affects all area's of my life in a bad way. And with nofap, it seems like i become a different (more normal) person, social interactions go smoother etc. I had some streaks going, but relapsed a few times lately, but now 100% comitted to nofap (again..!). Still.. i want and need lots of improvements, i have not many friends, no gf.. but i was so rock bottom a few months ago... lived such a crazy lifestyle for years, my health went down due to smoking all the time.. anxiety issues, low confidence, you name it. So i really want to recover, getting in good health, bettering my career position, and then also focus on the girls and social life in general.
    I think part of the trick to succes with women, and life in general is to put the on being your best self, and life goals always first. Personally i got a lot of inspiration from Infinite Waters on youtube. To use his quote: analysis is paralysis. What I understand of that, and how I agree with that is.. for example in a social situation, when I'm nervous and stresses, and i'm analysing what to say, how to etc. it almost never works out smoothly..
    Its about the energy behind the words, not so much in what you say. If I can be really proud of myself, have more inner peace, have it physically and mentally together, and not get lost too much in thoughts, but just go with the flow in the moment.. i feel that's the best approach with girls and social interactions. That's why i also feel nofap is so crucial in my situation.. after a relapse.. i just noticed such a big difference.. but yeah dude, take care and all the best!
     
    kd1 likes this.
  9. Potato93

    Potato93 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, this is so true.
    I identify a lot with you @danidanidani,
    I'd suggest you inviting her out to some stuff, It doesnt need to be a direct invite, like:
    "Ill be walking the park later this weekend but all my friends already got stuff to do, would you be interested in joining me?"
    (if you can engage in conversations with her of course)

    or simply say you liked her and would like to meet her to talk out of university lectures, meet her on campus or something...
    maybe you could do a research about something and ask her to participate, in that case, you arrive with some diplomatic questions then you start putting that aside and actually start making her laugh, ask about her life, etc

    There are soo many approach tatics you can use during university... seriously
    Enjoy this time, office / work environments also have tatics but they dont look as casual as university sometimes, mostly because of the mindset and age group, looks like people are more susceptible to talking and meeting new people during college times.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2018
  10. Adam smithsonian30

    Adam smithsonian30 Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to what u write ,im consider my self not that handsome or good looking but people around me (not friends with same age)elderly people often directly said that im handsome ,im getting much of that to the point that it gives me pressure tha handsome guy like me 20 yrs old (they say) didnt have gf.It gives me anxious and lack confident than i should got from being told handsome .It scares me makes me not confident around girls and lack of social skill to the point i dont know if i have friends that i can have talk whether on social media or irl,im noticing a girls like checking me out like a lot but often i do nothing about it i just let it slipped or i got self doubt whether she checking me out or just me looks weird to them .please respons!
     
    Potato93 likes this.
  11. danidanidani

    danidanidani Fapstronaut

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    @Potato93. I feel like that stuff you propose me is great, but It's too much, too tough. I don't know why. Even thinking bout it makes me feel like it's extremely innacurate for me, unnatural. I do not even have a great desire to get really familiar with her, but on the other hand, why did I feel jealousy when this guy started to build some acquaintance with her? I don't know it clearly.

    Many of you say: fake it till you make it. Fake what? I don't know. I thought of dating more often. Maybe faking that would be kind of fake when I started something romantic with someone unknown. When I was dating one girl I remember I though I would pick the one which I like more. I didn't. I considered the date a kind of training, a kind of fake. I didn't know If want to meet her at another date.

    Thanks. I really appreciate everything you write, even if I don't directly respond.
     
    Potato93 likes this.
  12. treetop

    treetop Fapstronaut

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    Have you heard of self-fulfilling prophecy. "The term was coined by sociologist Robert K. Murton to describe a phenomenon that dates back to Ancient Greece. Basically, a prediction about the outcome of a situation can invoke a new behavior that leads to the prediction coming true. For example, if I believed that I was going to fail an exam, that belief may have led me to alter the strategies I used for preparation and taking the test, and I would probably fail it. While I may have had a good chance to pass, my belief hindered my performance, and I made this belief become reality. Psychological research shows that the self-fulfilling prophecy works for both negative and positive predictions, indicating again that the beliefs you hold have an impact on what happens to you."

    Fake it to you make it simple means to believe you can do it and more importantly start doing it. Basically just talk and listen, sometimes you might feel more toward someone and other times it's just flat or nothing, both feelings are okay.

    You say "I feel hopeless with myself. I feel weak and helpless, because I can't conquer my complex, internal barriers to start building relationship. I feel devoid of self worth. I feel I'm not enough, and that women are perfectionists." This is your self-fulfilling prophecy. Start changing how you view yourself by asking people who love you what they think about you and listen to them. Write down what they say and post it around your home along with other positive affirmations.
     
    Clerk373, Decerebrate and Potato93 like this.
  13. TheNewPat

    TheNewPat Fapstronaut

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    Theres something you haven't realised.
    Either you aren't handsome at all, you have the personality of a brick, or.... i dont know.

    Im 28, average looks, pretty good personality i guess. Ive slept with about 25 people, had maybe 5 gfs for over 3 months. A couple for year+

    Address the issue and dont blame the world.
     
  14. PJT

    PJT Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes there is just nothing in my head and I don't know how to act/what to do. I don't know how this is for other guys. Does this all come naturally to them? I can't imagine it being that difficult for other guys. Socialising is literally the most difficult thing in life for me.


    I struggle with this too, especially on first impressions. Now I have certain friends who have grown accustomed to me generally enjoy hanging out, but I'm useless if we go out to the bars or wherever in hopes of meeting new people/women. Like literally on this past weekend a drunk girl picked me out of the crowd to dance and talk and I had nothing. She would say something that I couldn't understand and instead of trying to compliment her or ask her to dance or anything I said, "what?" and "i can't hear you" or something along those lines. I could have easily done more than what I did in that instance. Friends egged me on and said I messed up and I mean I agree with what they are saying.

    For me, a lot of the not knowing how to act and what to do is a result of me subconsciously always comparing myself to my friends and the people in the surroundings. My lack of experience is what is more than likely causing the problem. Maybe just avoid those situations all together? I am not sure what to do about it.
     
  15. danidanidani

    danidanidani Fapstronaut

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    "Either you aren't handsome at all, you have the personality of a brick, or.... i dont know." - If this explains something, I was diagnosed once as having a mixed personality disorder. Avoidant personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder, dependent personality disorder. Note that people who suffer from AvPD avoid close relationships and people who suffer from DPD cling tightly to relationships. I thought so now that perhaps I am realizing this contradictory model in an alleged, symbolic relationship with my mother. Perhaps it is difficult for me to leave this symbolic relationship mentally, to start functioning in a real relationship with a partner. I don't know if it's the key to the problem. Doesn't matter. I try to at least not think about myself as a person with disorders because 1) I don't want to treat myself leniently (it would be harmful) and 2) it would create the mechanisms of a false prophecy. But sadly it would clarify a lot.

    @PJT. We have something in common but in my problem it's like it's hard to take step forward, no matter in what kind of situation i'm. I often don't know how to act also but the main problem is my huge fear related to getting closer. I think it is sustained by a complete lack of experience. I've never made a real step, a real approach to a woman who could be my partner. If I have a good run, I'm preparing for it (more open towards others, meditating more, doing behavioral trainings, once gone to the date) and when I have a bad run, I just sit and complain. I have had some bad times lately.
     
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  16. TheNewPat

    TheNewPat Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you are a smart guy. I also dont like labelling myself with disorders. It doesnt define me.

    Meditation and self improvement works wonders for me. Hopefully it helps you too bud.
     
  17. Vulkan

    Vulkan Fapstronaut

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    I believe it also has a lot to do with social milieu, luck and taking the chances. The girls show interest, but he basically ignores his chances.

    I uploaded pictures of myself and they are rated around 7/10, so those girls see me as handsome. Still I am only rarely approached by girls (guess most average guys probably never) so I can feel the OP. Maybe only very handsome or famous guys get the attention we as males would show to girls. And if you are not charismatic (difficult when frustrated), you will get a lot of rejection when you approach them first, vicious cycle. So it´s not only a problem for ugly boring guys, they only have it worse.
     
  18. TGtheoutsider

    TGtheoutsider Fapstronaut

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    I had the same thing (never knowing what to say to others). These 2 videos below helped me a lot with that.




    The main thing is that you should not try to entertain other people. All you have to do is to genuinely listen to others and to use the things to say as a source for new conversation topics.
     
    Quexx likes this.
  19. Potato93

    Potato93 Fapstronaut

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    Thats a realy cool thing man, thanks for sharing. I do believe in that as well!
     
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