BDSM porn, help.

heyo,
when i was fapping much i imagined much about violence and rape. As i was a teenger i realy thought about rapping a girl. I think it's because when you watch porn you get impotenz so you will have to think or watch harder stuff. When you don't fap AND watch porn than you can get easier an erection. Than you can get an erection or make sex with someone though tender movements. You won't need the hard stuff if you make the challenge because he's getting errect anyway you know?So you learn again from how to have normal sex or having normal thoughts. You learn to have through tender things all what you want, so you don't need the other...

You talk here about unhealthy sexual imagination? right?
sry for my english

 

Whatever you fap on (even trees) it is the same case: it is still the same habit. You marstubate on something you like very much. Look for another habit to avoid this fap-habit for example playing videogames or making gym.

 

I think that BDSM is not in principle in contrast with any human rights - male or female. At the end of the day it is two people cooperating on making each other feel good no? If anything it might be possible for the trust it takes to breed closer intimacy. Even for dominant partner as you are letting someone see that dark, hidden side of you. It is vulnerability of kind too.

I don't haver personal experience though...

So I think problem here is same as anyone's - porn addiction. Do particular kinks matter as long as they are not pathological or criminal?

 

Not wanting to paint myself as an expert on BDSM or anything, but I'm trying to understand what your question/issue is? I'll try and answer as best I can.

Pornography is a very visual medium and the more you use that medium then the more your brain will be conditioned to it. It's not surprising that if you are a user of pornography for long enough then you may find yourself craving more stimulating material (i.e. going from softcore to hardcore to BDSM).

Regarding your statement on BDSM and women's rights - There is certainly a line. Be aware that the women performing in BDSM scenes are paid actors and there is consent and strong safety precautions involved (allbeit off camera).

If you're practicing BDSM in your private life, as a rule of thumb - don't do anything you wouldn't be comfortable talking about with your partner.

Hope that helps.

 

BDSM, well the women that "enjoy" that.. I listened to a conversation with a guy that was into that (trying to get out of it) and I will put it bluntly:
He said every single one of the women he encountered in BDSM had been raped as a child.

There is no normal in enjoying being dominated.

 

Yeah man, it's hard to let go and take it easy, for this world we live in is so fast-paced, and it's like someone or something always wants something from us, and it's like we have to perform, and meet expectations to make others and ourselves happy, which drains us of energy. Then we say, "I'll do more of this to get more of that!" and it drains us on so many levels..

I used to do this myself, and it didn't work. It wasn't until I found out true reality, the true truth, love, family, true family, peace, contentment, and how to be okay with who I am as a human being, and my own potential, that I could operate on this earth as a truely happy and joyful individual; masturbation to pornography, or just 1 without the other really destroys that, for we're like little kids, and masturbation/pornography are like a bad mother and father that don't raise us as we are to be raised, but only want to hurt us, and don't feed us as we should be fed, or nurture us as we should be nurthered, therefore our lives become bad households where there is just fighting, fighting, yelling, and more fighting... and where's the peace in that?

If you want the freedom you desire you'll have to deal with a lot of uncomfortable things, like going from masturbation to a healthy habit, or from pornography to something that's beneficial to you and others. I remember how uncomfortable it was for me, but having a great Friend and Father or Family can definitely help out, as support is needed.

Keep persevering through trials and overcoming, focusing on your steady progress, and seeing the bright side of things, (or, at least trying to!). You'll find after a while you have a much better character and are much more hopeful!

And don't forget:



- Captain Cornelius

 

I believe someone noted in an above post that some women do enjoy BDSM. I would guess that this is a small minority of women (not all women) which I think is a fair assumption.

The problem with third-wave feminism and women's rights is the two often conflict with each other hence your confusion, which is understandable. Men are hearing two conflicting messages.

The first: "Men should not be violent towards women" - Which is true.

The second: "Women should be allowed to do what they want and if that involves BDSM and being dominated, who are you to say otherwise?" - This is where the first message is in direct logical conflict. Is it okay to be violent towards women, if that's what women want?

The trick is that instead of using broad strokes like "women" you need to bring it down to the level of the individual. Instead of treating her "like a woman", treat her "like an individual". BDSM does have a focus on safety and if at any time either partner is uncomfortable they should be able to stop the act. If you have a partner, discuss what the boundaries are and what you're comfortable doing. I did mention in an earlier post, but for added emphasis: "as a rule of thumb - don't do anything you wouldn't be comfortable talking about with your partner."

I'm happy to answer any other questions you have on this.

 

That

 

This is a difficult discussion because BDSM isn't the same thing as porn, but there's a lot of BDSM porn that people are escalating to. So BDSM porn is a part of the problem but BDSM isn't necessarily.

I'm sure there are NoFappers who think any interest in BDSM is a kind of sex addiction and *they* need to get away from it to have real relationships. Fair enough, that's right for them. But there are also NoFappers who know the problem *for them* is porn and that BDSM is okay.

 

In BDSM the submissive part is the dominant because its limits are respected. He sets the rules.
But the notion that comes from BDSM (or interest in BDSM) is often an idea that would like to abolish this subtle dominance.
I have seen a documentary saying that 40 percent of pornography is "violence". Especially against women.

The reason is probably 1. it is a market: a market lives on extremes. 2. It is a matter of blunting (on the side of the consumer) 3. To a certain extent, one can regard sex as "violent": by nature. 4. Porn reflects unconscious fantasies - which we are not allowed to live in everyday life. Porn satisfies resentiments (interracial etc)

We live in societies where "to fuck" is a synonyme for "getting in trouble" or "beaten up" etc. (not to talk from ass-fuck) we talk about "punishment" when we want to say that "he went to town on her" etc. telling, no?

 

You are probably completely right. Although I would change the word "women" to "children" and men to "adults." 80%+ of American parents spank their kids despite the solid evidence that it changes the way the brain works. I experienced a heavy amount of verbal and physical abuse from my mother. I have no doubt in my mind that that influenced my sexual tendencies with note of the unresolved rage towards my mother.

I don't tell people what to do. You can do whatever you want as long as you are not hurting someone else.

The fact that childhood experiences affect us, especially if we were violated in such a way, is not sexist, it is beyond a proven fact. It transcends gender - it affects men just as much as women. I have read the studies and listened to conversations with women and men that it affected. It is a horrible, destructive life experience that I equate to murder - soul murder.

If you want to understand violence, you can start to look at the childhood of violent people and the abuses they suffered. The last two notable school shooters in the US had indicators of sexual abuse and they were neglected, and the infamous mass murderer Charles Manson was abandoned by his parents, beaten, and raped multiple times before he was an adult according to his biography.

To say child abuse doesn't influence your actions as an adult is ludicrous. Brain scans show decisive changes in the way the brain fires after being abused as a child. Particularly in the empathy regions of the brain. War has even has been linked to child abuse.

Think about it... America has hit its kids for hundreds of years, and we have been at war for more than 90% of our existence. Learn from us.

Audiobook - "The Origins of War in Child Abuse" by Loyd DeMause: http://cdn.freedomainradio.com/OWCA_Audiobook_64.mp3

I highly recommend video #1, 3, and 4 in this series.



Let me be clear. You can enjoy whatever fetish you may have whether it is BDSM or not. I just think that you are accepting the guilt/shame/worthlessness from those terrible experiences (particularly with BDSM), rather than rejecting them as pure fucking evil.

 

Why are victims fo sexual violence attracted by BDSM and not repelled? Im really curious. I mean technically one should guess it sthe oposite right?

 

This is an interesting explanation of some of the emotions that can lead a woman to interest in BDSM. There's nothing porny or problematic about it.

Maybe the difference between us that some people here feel an interest in BDSM or some fetish is part of their sexuality and is real and "natural" for them (not part of a sex addiction), but others here have encountered it only through porn, and feel it as a porn induced thing. I think there'll also be an intermediate group who know their interest in BDSM is real on some level but has been escalated or distorted by BDSM porn.

We all agree porn addiction is a problem, and can support each other.

 

It is not a one-size-fits-all situation. There are many, many different responses to sexual abuse such as alcoholism, drug abuse, theft, arson, hygiene neglect, obesity, hyper-sexuality or no sexual boundaries (Marylin Monroe), complete asexuality, becoming a sexual predator, panic attacks, etc., etc., etc. There is nothing positive that comes of it.

The drugs and alcohol stop the endless barrage of thoughts - sadness, rage, emptiness, feelings of being tarnished.
The arson and theft is doing exactly what was done to them - steal or destroy a childhood.
The hyper-sexuality is accepting being taught that one has low self-worth - a sexual predator gives a child ZERO (hell it's fucking negative) worth with his/her actions.
The obesity, asexuality, and lack of hygiene is a defense mechanism to not let people get close by creating a physical or mental barrier.

At the most fundamental level, child abuse is teaching a child a few things:

• You are worthless
• You must serve other's interests before your own
• Your needs and preferences do not matter
• Large people dominate small people (eloquent right?) or children are in the way

Trying to go out into adulthood with these core beliefs burnt into your soul is a challenge to say the absolute least. It of course leads to more child abuse and the cycle continues unless one recognizes it.

I think anyone can get help and get these issues fixed. It is all within the mind, but no doubt extraordinarily damaging and harmful.

One interesting thing to keep in mind is that it is estimated that 50% of people have amnesia surrounding the abuse, so they don't actually remember. Although it tends to come out through "body memories" or unexplained emotions around their possible abuser. I have asked myself if I was a victim, but I cannot say for sure at all.

I am very sorry. This is a very frustrating situation to be in.

I would like you to find the part where I said "All sexual abuse victims like BDSM" for me, because I can't find it (I am assuming this is what you mean by the a, b, c part - correct me if I'm wrong). Nor can I find something similar. To say that after your brain has been bombarded by negative stimuli from awful people you are a changed person is factually accurate. You are on NoFap. Please don't tell me you don't know how changes in your brain in the past (dopamine release from PMO) can lead to changes in the present (chaser, pre-PMO dopamine bombs, caving to porn, etc). Our brains are like trees. They grow into the surrounding terrain and around the obstacles (life events).

I don't wish to insult you by stating the obvious, but I would appreciate it if you don't jump to conclusions about what I type here unless I explicitly say it. If you want clarification, that is no problem. I don't mind if you ask or challenge me, but misrepresenting my ideas is plainly annoying and I find it boring to point it out to people. If I misrepresent you myself, please let me know.

 

This.

You seem reasonable. Unfortunately the person you are debating is not.

She accused me of being sexist for saying that "men should not hit women" and "men should talk to their partners" - I stopped engaging in the conversation at this point.