My husband can't see what you see.

It's a tough one. Not knowing your husband personally makes it hurt to judge. I think society has made a reliance on porn seem very normal, so most men won't realise they have a problem as it is seen as a social norm to Mastebate to porn regularly. It is only when we try to stop that we realise we have a problem.

If he is yet to realise the damage it does to a person both mentally as phulysically, trying to get him to stop will be tough and you will no doubt be met with resentment.

Your best bet is to educate him with the scientific evidence of the dangers and ensuring you are more available to him.

 

This is troubling. I struggle with porn use, but can't in good conscience ever justify its creation or use. A person is never entitled to the use of others as sex objects in my opinion, even if they consent to being filmed or photographed. The fact that he is manipulating the situation by turning it into a self esteem issue for you is also a bad sign.

If the grocery store was out of milk, would I be entitled to rob my neighbor at gun point for his? Basically some behaviours should not be dependant on circumstances. If something is wrong I'm not entitled to it because I feel stressed or I'm pissed off or I just really need an outlet, etc.

We that being said, porn is really hard to quit. So many of us struggle and fail constantly and only make minimal progress. However, we own our weakness and admit it's toxicity in our lives. I hope he sees the light. Keep up the pressure and don't settle for a half life or half relationship.

 

One thing might be to send him to yourbrainonporn.com, which has influenced me a lot.

Another might be to question in a subtle way the idea that he needs "sperm release". You might suggest he reads about semen retention. I wouldn't make big claims for this myself (some guys do) but I've been surprised at how good (and masculine) it feels to have full balls. If he's into exercise or health, this angle might help him.

Anyway, if he did really need to masturbate, he could always do it with you in the room (if you'll accept that) or thinking about you. Porn isn't the same thing as masturbation.

 

I don't think so. The addiction isn't about you, so it's not realistic to think you can replace that presence in his life. He has to want to quit, and be willing to do the work to get there.

 

The thing is with ultimatums and addiction, ie: saying you will do x,y or z if he fulfills a certain requirement is they rarely succeed. The reason being, the addict has to genuinely want to quit for themselves. I was both a drug addict and a porn addict and they are very similar, in fact some of the best help i received was whilst in recovery for drug addiction which had a healthy impact on my porn use. I learned that one cannot expect external factors to change their use, such as having children, getting married, or getting that long awaited promotion.

Society and the media have a big part to play in formulating peoples opinions that porn is somehow harmless and it's 'just a bit of fun' although the ex users and family members of those affected will tell it differently. It sounds to me as if he is still falling for the belief that porn can ony ever be a good thing and....if people have a problem with it, it's their problem not his.

People currently stuck in their cycle of addictive behaviour often reel off excuses and are in denial, this tends to get more common as someone who cares about them starts to notice the behaviour (the addict often sees the confrontation or offer of help as a threat), the user has got to a level where their use is having an adverse affect on their life and the lives of others but still choose to deny those effects because the brain is still seething with that need or desire which is interpreted (some believe) as a survival mechanism. Because of the intense levels of dopamine released during the use of porn, the brain puts those emotions in a box labelled 'i need this to survive' dopamine is a good feeling and a reward and why wouldn't you do something that feels good right? yet things like cocaine and heroin feel good to the users when they use them, as does gambling, and we all know the adverse life long effects of their abuse.

Porn addiction is a difficult thing for some people to comprehend as an issue in society because on one end of the spectrum we have the 18 year old using a playboy magazine in the restroom as he explores his own sexuality and who may not have addictive problems, and the other end of the spectrum there is the compulsive user who opts to use porn at the expense of other things in their life, it's use often taking up more and more valuable time where hours turn into day and night and the material being viewed gets more extreme as time goes on, this often leads to an even worse side of the spectrum where acting out becomes a reality, groping that woman at the checkout, or making reckless decisions like seeing escorts whilst being married or even committing serious sex offences.

Porn addiction can for some people be a springboard to even worse problems but the addict can recover because the brain has neuroplasticity, that means the brain re-wires itself and new neural pathways can be developed through abstinence and replacement of activities which give a more healthy dopamine reward such as sport, hobbies, socialising more, taking better care of your health etc.

 

If he says he's not addicted then let him prove it by not going through uncomfortable withdrawal effects by abstaining from porn for two weeks to a month. The changes in brain chemistry, moodiness and other adverse signals from addiction recovery tell the story, not his excuses and/or lies that he's not addicted in the first place!

 

From my perspective i can only really talk on behalf of being a single man, i've never had to deal with this issue within a relationship which has it's own difficulties and complexities where compulsive using or addictive behaviour is concerned. I wonder if maybe he has a problem with the word 'addict' ? and it may conjour up a feeling of lost pride...pride often comes before a fall so they say, it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that i was/am still an addict, but today i'm just a recovering addict who abstains.

I've known people who have to reach real rock bottom before they let go of their ego (probably myself included) and reach out for help. Does he realise that when he watches porn he is causing you emotional harm? and does he understand how you feel about it? i imagine from your angle there's a part of you that wants to make him choose between porn or you and from his perspective he's probably thinking 'but i want both' to put it bluntly, if he doesn't accept and admit to himself and another person that he has a problem, then he will never likely change and people who feel forced into a corner may only change half heartedly or begrudgingly, often leading to no real lasting effect, but that's never the partners fault so don't blame yourself for any failures on his part, his using and compulsive behaviour is his responsibility.

I can only imagine what it feels like for a partner of any addict. I know that some couples choose to watch porn together in order to try and spice up their sex life but from what i have understood it doesn't often lead to a better relationship and can instead cause a fracture and drive a wedge. Clearly it's not something which you subscribe to (viewig porn) and i commend you for wanting to hold on to your dignity and self respect. Maybe in time he will come to realise that real love and real sex with a real partner is no match for porn and choose instead to abandon the pixelated fantasies on his computer screen in favour of true intimacy and connection. As to what it will take for him to wake up and truly appreciate the difference i can't answer that since i don't know him or you personally.

I can recommend a couple of books for you which you may want to read together.

The porn trap by Larry and Wendy Maltz

Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts by Steffanie Carnes (not read this one but as the title suggests it is designed to help the partner, it's also written by Seffanie Carnes who is the daughter of world renowned psychologist Patrick Carnes who has studied sex addiction for 40 years)

 

Hello,

I apologize for my bad english.

I read the thread, and I think this problem is really complicated. First of all, porn is a really strong addiction, and as you can see reading this forum, it's really difficult to quit it, even for people who TRULY want to quit.
Secondly, he probably thinks that the problem is between you and him, because he did not experienced any trouble induced by porn. And it is so deeply rooted in our society, for him it's like "everyone does it", "all my friends watch porn and have a normal healthy life", etc. So basically this is you, the religion and your principles, versus him, his friends and the society. If you want him to quit, you'll have to convince him and not force him. There are not enough studies that prove the danger of pornography and masturbation, and there are possibly even more saying the opposite.

I'll illustrate with an example :

Alcohol is a an addictive substance, which can damage your liver, your brain, and many other things. Everyone knows that alcohol is bad. Despite this, it has some nice short-term effects that make us using it. And a few people fall into the depths of addiction, and get their lifes destroyed by this.

Running is another addictive activity, which is bad at really high doses but that lots of people do everyday without endangering their health. Cases of real addicts with running, to the point they want to quit it definitely are extremely rare.

The fact is that porn is alcohol with the reputation of running. And you are trying to convince an occasional runner to quit running. What a difficult mission.

Most people drink alcohol regularly during their life without having a problem with it. On this forum you will only meet people who have experienced problems with porn addiction. That makes us different from him, and makes him think so.

Moreover, I want to ask you : why do you want him to quit ? I suppose that religion is the main reason, which is a good one, and that you feel like he's cheating on you, that his love goes down, which is a bad one. If it can reassure you, this is probably not true. You can be in a relationship, watching porn and also being truly in love with your wife. It is all about his mindset and porn is not a good indicator of his love and loyalty. It will become one if he starts to watch porn instead of having sex with you (it's perhaps already this, in that case you can forget what I said)

Finally, what I can suggest you to do :
- Make him realize his addiction and its effects : Tell him the problems induced by porn addiction that he experiences in his daily life (several masturbations on porn but less real sex, he can't get rid of it even knowing that it hurts you, perhaps mood disorders, etc...)
- Reassure yourself about this practice, because he probably truly loves you even if he occasionally watches porn.
- Keep telling him that it hurts you, in order to push him to see the damage caused by porn in your relationship and in his life in general.

Sorry if this doesn't help you much, I just tried to give you my point of view. And again sorry for my English.

Good luck !

 

Listen listen listen
I used P to escape
I needed help and support
Not judgmental morals.

The P. Addict is part of a system. If you are happy and not codpendant. He will be happier too and try to imitate you.

The best way to help him is to start with you and give him space. Love never says it's the last time.

Stay strong we do this together

 

It was a very hard task for my SO to convince me that my problem was a problem. I could find an article/study supporting my cause for every one she found. She made deals with me and I'd stop for a little bit, only to start up again and not tell her. I made her my accountability partner at one point because I didn't want to tell anyone else, but stopped reporting to her because it was hard and it made her into my mother/police/nanny. At one point, she had a list of asks. She emailed it to me so that I could read it with a cool head, and I did anything but. I read it as a list of ultimatums that amounted to "Stop doing this thing that makes you happy or else". I'm not sure I made it past the main bullet points (I've since read it with a cool head and it was pretty reasonable given the situation.) She brought up the religion aspect and that drove me away from religion for a while (it might've been that or other issues I had related around sex and my "habit"). Shame was huge in my struggles and once I started to feel shame come on, I clammed up and retreated to the only thing that made me feel safe (PMO). It's taken a while to be able to talk without that sense of shame. I was reminded recently that I often told my SO that there was absolutely no shame/problem in what I did.

All that being said, I don't know of a magic bullet to convince anyone. What seems to be working for me currently:

• Knowing she loved me, even though she was extremely hurt by this.
  
• Letting it sink in that it could destroy our marriage.
  
• Reading a lot of beneficial articles and avoiding the ones that I used to quote to her (as I said, I found so many that "disproved" what she said. Many that gave the line "since it's not about your SO, it shouldn't bother them".) A series that helped was one by the Art of Manliness (https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/men-and-porn-an-introduction/ and the following 3 articles). I'd read other things from that blog before that rang true so I gave that a shot. It was also useful because calling something an addiction and someone an addict wasn't jiving with me at first and actively pushed me away. However, I could definitely admit that I had a habit. Another one that I could latch onto was from Psychology Today (I don't really recommend going there because they've got articles on the extreme in both directions), but it had a quote that regardless of if I believed porn was bad or not, it was bad for the relationship. That was tangent enough to not attack porn directly (of which triggered an emotional defense of it and was counterproductive in my case), but was something that I could see and believe to understand that it was a problem and that something should be done. I can't find that article now that I'm looking for it though.
  
• Finding a therapist that I could trust and wouldn't judge. I went to one when it first came up (well, about 8 months after it first came up) who I didn't feel I could trust and it was a miserable time. I since started seeing someone for a major depressive episode and it has morphed into working with my porn problem and relationship problems.
  
• Finding a marriage therapist and (willingly) going together. Having that mediator to help put things into context can be beneficial. The first one we went to caused my wife a great deal of pain by suggesting that porn and masturbation can be a normal part of any relationship and that she might have a problem. The current one suggested having boundaries in the relationship. And making it absolutely clear that by staying in the relationship, I am *choosing* to abide by those boundaries. My wife is not forcing me or making me do a damn thing.
  
• Having an accountability partner that wasn't my SO. I found mine through nofap because I wanted/needed some anonymity. I keep my wife in the loop every day by telling her "I am with you" (in my struggle against porn, and it's hard and I realize I might relapse, but ultimately I want to be with you and I am choosing to be in this relationship).
  
• (willingly) Doing a 30 day no PMO challenge while journaling my thoughts and more importantly, feelings. It's been quite hard, but I've found some of my faults that I covered up with PMO over the years.
• Exercising regularly (it started as a way to deal with some of the anxiety I used porn to cover up) and listening to positive podcasts during that (currently listening to Pornfree radio).

Reading what you've written is painful because I see a lot of myself in your story (and a lot of other SOs stories on here). I wish you the best and sorry for some of my rambling.

 

I don't want to be discouraging. But you can't make somebody solve a problem they don't want to solve. And this problem is unbelievably formidable, even for people who want, with all their hearts, to be free of it. There are people banging their heads against the wall to get porn and masturbation out out their lives only to relapse after 100+ days of success. There are others who (try as they might) can't seem to get past the two week mark.

So what are the odds that somebody who doesn't even see porn as a problem is going to overcome it? I'm not a big fan of counselors/psychologists... They've never done me a bit of good, one on one. But, I think they DO have the ability to facilitate difficult discussions between couples. And that might be important... Because it sounds like he's just getting mad at you (and seeing you as a nag) for bringing this up.

And there may be more to the story too. Maybe there are ways in which he's dissatisfied with the relationship that are just too difficult for him to talk about. And, if there was some third party to mediate the discussion, then it would take a lot of the heat off you... and maybe, also, bring issues into the open that would help both of you to be better partners to each other.

Otherwise... you just have to make him understand three things:

1) That this really, actually hurts you a lot. And it's not something you're just being dramatic about.

2) That you understand it isn't easy to quit. And you're willing to give him all the support he needs.

3) But that making the effort is not negotiable. And it has to happen.

Also... realize that even if you can convince him to see this as a problem, and work to fix it... it still isn't going to be easy. Don't take it personally. Once you get stuck in this trap, it's like the fight of your life to get back out again. Read through the boards here, and get a sense of how hard this struggle is for people even when they're trying with all their heart to quit.

 

We don't know him or your situation in detail of course.

But you said earlier he claims it's about his need for "sperm release". That may be bullshit but (if you can accept the sexual compromise involved) it *might* help to make it clear that he can always have "sperm release" with you. It would at least remove the excuse and strip it away if it is bullshit. I know I'm very motivated by the idea of sex as you describe it.

 

Your husband is justifying his porn addiction and when he is driven to get more dopamine, nothing else matters....not even you.

 

I don't think that's gonna help at all. An addict isn't gonna care about their story anyways. Only thing he's gonna do is remember their names so he can watch more porn.

You could try to download http://www1.k9webprotection.com/getk9/download-software If he's okay with it. This blocks all porn sites, nudity etc... You can even put a password on it so that only you can disable it.