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Trying to piece my life together: An Overview.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by mishquitsporn, May 17, 2018.

  1. mishquitsporn

    mishquitsporn New Fapstronaut

    On Friday night, I realised that I had spent 5 hours masturbating. I even forgot dinner. As I lay on my bed, naked and ashamed, feeling dirty and guilty - I realised I needed to make a real change. A meaningful one. This is the start of my story.

    I am two people. The person I am to the world, and the person I am when I am alone. Two people, two sides. For most of my life, I have kept each identity separate, only inhabiting the personalities when needed. These sides of me have been warring for too long, and I need to change. I can't live my life as a fractured person. It's time to take the best of both people, and become one, new better person.

    What are these two sides? Side one is the light hearted, warm, trustworthy friend who is kind. The person who is intelligent and successful, and looks like everything in their lives is perfect. To the outside, people think I am a successful person. I just graduated Medical School, and got a top job in London. On the inside is the other side of me. The fractured, insecure, sexually frustrated/ confused man-child with an unhealthy relationship with ponography and masturbation.

    So how did this happen? Thinking about it, I guess I have always been good at compartmentalising - separating out my emotions into boxes, and storing them; expressing them and feeling them only when appropriate. At the same time, I've always been ambitious - I guess to compensate for being insecure about my looks and body. So, the drive to succeed academically coupled with my ability to wall my emotions off meant that, whilst I never truly confronted my demons or shared them. I continued to portray to my family and friends the image of wholesome, asexual nerd with little drama in their life.

    My relationship with porn is complicated - in part due to the struggles I have had with my sexuality. I started watching porn from about the age of 12 - probably without realising what it actually was or understanding the damage it could potentially cause. It started off with straight porn, but i remember being intrigued by the strong, muscled white male bodies that seemed so unlike my skinny, scrawny ethnic self.

    This gradually led me to feeling aroused by chiselled abdominal muscles of underwear models. Then, at some point, it discovered alongside straight porn, gay porn. Gay porn became the fastest way for me to orgasm - watching young, white, muscled men be passionate with each other. Sometimes I felt shocked and worried - forcing myself to watch straight porn, just to double check I could still get an erection. I could... but to orgasm was slower. Other times, I wouldn't think about what that meant. To me, I was just a straight guy who watched gay porn. Normal right? I mean I still had crushes on girls that age - I still fantasised about the crushes I had, wishing we would date or be in love.

    ...and yet... that's when the sexual fantasies about the men happened. No longer was just aroused by the gay pornstars of Pornhub. I recall noticing boys in out gym when we would change for PE - not understanding why their physique was so much more toned than mine. I would wish I was them, and get the attention from the girls. OR was I too young to understand that I was attracted to them? I'm still unsure. I started to have fantasies not just of crushes, but of hollywood actors, models and even once... a friend. These would have unnerved me, but but my mid-teens I was an excellent at repressing my feelings - so I buried all emotions to that side of myself. I separated myself from the sexual deviant - thus having 2 identities.

    This cycled continued on, throughout high school and University, with me becoming more reliant on gay porn to get me off, whilst still pondering my sexuality. I still had feelings for women, yet how could I be straight when I could spend hours watching guys screw each other? It doesn't help that I never have had a relationship (yet alone sex) with a woman. The age where people normally experiment, in high school, I was too afraid to ask a girl and and too insecure. I felt (and still do) not manly enough for a women, and too ugly to overcome my self perceived 'camp' nature. Some would ask me 'am I gay?' - did they know before I even did? In hind site, they didn't - they were just being teenage shits trying to screw with me.

    So I started uni with only my right hand to get me off, never having even kissed a girl before, with an unhealthy relationship with gay porn - still unaddressed. That's when the curiosity got worse. I started watching more graphic gay porn, reading stories, and even learning about cruising for sex. I began wasting hours on gay chat roulette sites, masturbating with strangers. All through this spiral, I still kept up my 'successful' side. I worked hard, got into medical school, joined the societies I wanted to etc. I had a crush on a girl I met.

    Looking back... I wish I was brave. I wish I just stopped overthinking my appearance and just asked the girl out - I wish I dared to put myself out there, and not overthink my sexuality or manliness. I was so worried she could smell the gay on me, or see me as too much of a wimp. I wish I just let myself experience a real relationship, instead of retreating to the comfort of porn to avoid the possibility of rejection.

    Instead the porn watching became worse. I used it as an escape and stress reliever. Having had no experience with a woman, I became curious to feel a mans touch, which panicked me. How can I loose my virginity to a man - how will I explane that to my future wife?! I reasoned I should loose my virginity to a woman first, then have sex with a man to see what I liked. But then what if the woman I loose it to is the one? What if we get married, but I am still always wondering what it would be like to have sex with a man? What if that ruins my relationship with her... you can see how I began to overthink things.

    In the summer of my second year I decided to give in to my curiosity. I went to a gay sauna in london and made our heavily with a young spanish guy in the steam room. It was hot, I had to admit. Liberating. And for that brief moment after I felt a penny had dropped. I wasn't into it as much as I had thought! It's not like I could compare it to a woman, but still... I wasn't too keen. It was a moment of clarity and for a short while, I was convinced I was straight. How naive a was...

    Fast forward 6 months later, and I had fallen back into a porn spiral, and this time, was curious to go all the way. Porn made me so obsessed with sex, and gay sex, that I wanted to feel what anal was like. I wanted to get penetrated. So I went to a gay sauna again, and did a stupid thing... I got f***ked by a polish guy. Granted, he was young, and muscled. But that was dangerous. After I felt to disgusting I went to get emergency HIV prevention medication (even though we used a condom). To top it off... I just lost my virginity to a stranger in a gay sauna, almost having a breakdown after. Not exactly the standard way, or a story I am proud of. Again I thought this would free me. I thought that the experience would liberate me from porn as I knew what it was like. It did for a month or so... but I relapsed again.

    To top this off... a few weeks after this... the girl I liked during freshers told me she had feelings for me and like me. You know what I did... I fucking said 'thank's but lets stay friends'. Why? I was a coward and I was in a bad headspace. I told myself at the time it's because I didn't think she was tough enough for me mentally - but that was rubbish. IF I ONLY REFRAINED FROM PORN AND AVOIDED THAT SAUNA I COULD HAVE HAD A REAL RELATIONSHIP.

    Fast forward a few years, and I ended up seeing a therapist and have started to accept that I a bisexual or even gay. I am open to a relationship with any man or woman, and want to have a meaningful one, not rules by lust or sex.

    That being said, porn is a constant spectre and drug in my life that catches me off guard and sucks me in. I recently became obsessed again with webcam masturbation with other men - I'm disgusted with myself when I think what I have done. Usually I was careful not to show my face, but still. They could be married men, or minors - i could loose so much but I couldn't stop myself. That's when I realised I had a problem. That I know this was bad but felt compelled to keep going. That I kept promising myself one more webcam in case the guy is hot, or one more gay porn video.

    I am still closeted, and still two people. As you can see, I have a lot to work through. I've never shared any of this with anyone, apart form some details with my therapist. Gay or Bi am ready to be a better person. One person. A whole person. And I think my unhealthy relationship with porn needs to come to an end.

    NOTE: I wrote this as one stream of consciousness. I haven't even touched on my anxiety, my religious crisis or how I feel about coming out or my body image and porn. Feel free to comment, ask questions etc. I want to engage to help me quit.
     
    Deleted Account and PMO addict like this.
  2. PMO addict

    PMO addict Fapstronaut

    Hi mishquitsporn! Thanks for sharing your story. And welcome to nofap. I believe nofap can certainly help you quit porn and find what you want. Continuing to participate has helped me stay clean so far. Feel free to write about anything else on your mind if it will help you. I can relate to a religious crisis. I went through some gay porn use, cross dressers, femdom type things, and did some other things that kinda bother me now. I think I am straight though. I want to be with a woman, not a man. But it scared me for a while there. I think I still have a choice in terms of not continuing to reinforce sexual association with males through PMO. That's not to judge you for any decision you make, just where I'm at with my orientation. I support you in whatever is right for you. Nofap is just about staying clean and that's what other members and I are here for. To help you stay clean.
     
  3. ByTheLion

    ByTheLion Fapstronaut

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    This is exactly me! I'm so happy you took the time to write all of that. I'm even on 9 days PMO.
     
    PMO addict likes this.
  4. Protagoras

    Protagoras Fapstronaut

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    Wow. What a great introduction. Honest and raw. Brother, you are not alone. I have lived as two persons for years. It kills your energy and wears you down. I have been afraid to ask a woman out and was petrified when one showed interest in me. And I have wrestled men in erotic fashion.

    But all this can be overcome. There is recovery and I am starting to live it. You can too. Welcome.
    HERE are some things helping me.
     
  5. Hi. Welcome to forum! Amazing introduction. Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
     
  6. nia108

    nia108 Fapstronaut

    Hi there! Can relate to a lot of this, see myself in it. Wanting to write like this also, completely openly and honestly expressing what is going on, as I have never felt able to do, I have always felt so much guilt and shame, and again and again fall back to masturbation, porn, chat room sex to try to male myself feel better for a moment. Of course for those few moments all is fine, I’m lost in it, the sadness and numbness is gone, but then it comes back even stronger. I wonder and wonder why I don’t get this, why I keep thinking that the next time jerking off is going to make me feel better, somehow solve my problem, or even be just the last time that i need to do it. It’s kind of insane. I’ve tried keeping a journal of how i feel after masturbation, the depression that comes, the shame, the loss of energy, the loss of connection, but despite that something compels me to just do it again. I have had long periods of not doing porn or jerking off and have felt great when I can do so. This is the first time I have come to this site, just checking out how trying to express my feelings and problems really openly can help.
     

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