Rekindling the physical with the spiritual.

Good morning everyone, I guess I could say I am like many of the people on here who are seeking change and redemption of 'self' of over 20 years of formed hidden habits. I have lurked these forums for about 2 - 3 years and I guess I just had to tell my story. This isn't the easiest thing for a 32 year old to do.......


I found this site when I used to regularly PMO three to maybe four times a day. I used to be full of guilt, hate and anger with the fact I was doing what I was doing behind closed doors. I also felt lazy and hated the lifestyle I was in being stuck in front of a computer or device whilst others were out enjoying themselves. The I started to search on the good ole google around the feelings I was experiencing and realised there were a vast amount of people who are in the same boat as me.

My downfall journey began when me and my cousins used to find my elder cousins adult VCR tapes then after that I would watch the 10 minute previews on cable tv after 10pm. Also this was the start of my dyslexia as well as I was a tired and unfocused young child.

Then came the all singing, all dancing '56K internet' life changer.

This singularly was the best and worst thing you could give to a 13 year old without any regulations or management. My parents weren’t tech savvy and wanted the best for us as children to equip us with the tools to learn for school.

I remember browsing innocently looking through endless Dragonball Z yahoo geocities and other manga sites, going around friends houses to play Playstation and N64 and gaming online playing Quake, Mechwarriors 3/4, watching wrestling, msn messenger and chat services etc etc etc......however all these became boring. Then pubity hit like a bring wall filling me with all these hormones. Females became a lot more attractive like the episode of South Park where they started to notice changes towards females and went in to cave man mode.

I felt like a melting pot full of life stew having so many of lifes good and bad experiences thrown in the equation. Only thing was my hidden secret addiction lead to me messing up all my school exams as I was never focused, undisciplined, never revised or did any home work. I was very unbalanced, foggy clouded minded, made awkward/ dumb comments and unsociable (which has slowed down now I do not PMO as much). Just to help my self-esteem I religiously get a haircut just to convince myself materialism helps to get by in this society. I lack will and self worth as I do things to please others and find it had to say no to others except my parents funny enough.

I cannot say it has been a easy as I am in the same boat as many of you. I have a burning desire to put an end to this obese demon which I have fed for years. I've lost friends, girlfriends, developed rocky relationship with ex friends and family members. All because I urge and seek that oh so lovely dopamine rush. I have slowed down from continously searching for the next fix however the when that time comes out of boredom or habit of being alone I try to beat all my blockers to find the next and better fix, if not then unsatisfyingly pmo'ing to whatever is deemed okay. Being in that position and not stopping myself after the convincing 'one more look' arguments with myself and then never again. Yeah biggest lie I have ever told myself. 'One more look' yeah right bro.

Right now I have a super girlfriend who is my rock through all this, I had shared with her my mild childhood trauma. I tell her when I pmo and she will say it is okay one day at a time. She controls all my passwords for K9, Iphone restrictions even down to my parents phones. I really do not deserve her and personally she deserves better than putting up with my mood swings and my I am so mighty comments. Only because I feel like sh.t....

I feel like such a prat and ashamed when I received the chase effect satisfaction after successfully making other females almost agree to contractual relations and then giving them the cold shoulder and ensuring it does not materialises in to nothing but banter. Oogling is another nightmare but I have over become a lot better from lurking this site started to get better. Women are someones child and are to be respected just like what we should demand for ourselves.

Anecdotally I feel we are the experiment of the internet age as it has not been trialled and tested on people on a long term basis. So we are all finding the effects differently so I make the assumption it is up to ourselves to be really vigilant and hopefully this movement can encourage the internet companies, government and medical institutions and all other factions to really do something without destroying censorship of the freedom of the internet. However what is it we value more?

So there you go. Sorry for lurking for so long without contributing and a MASSIVE THANK YOU to all the contributors and tipsters. Without all the contributors I wouldn't never be able to keep my current job and realise what I have self-inflicted upon myself. Taking the time to step back to assess and evaluate my life. Thank you guys behind the scenes who allow us to use this site and draw in more people to gain knowledge of this industrial beast. The Porn industry has grown and now the average person has the media platforms such as the likes of youtube, twitter, tumblr instagram, reddit snapchat etc to post their goodies. Block them all and throw away the key.

Congratulations if you have made it so far

I cannot think of any more from the top of my head but just be true to yourselves and do not edge as it starts the process of a downfall. Allowing Thoughts to become things is another deception, make use of those meditation techniques.

Keep looking, seeking, searching, finding guys. It is a very slow progress and I wish I could say time is the key but there are too many factors. Find what works for you.

'Quote time, everyone loves a quote here and there'

No man is free who is not master of himself - Epictetus (Love it)

This is the interim of me finding out what I have missed in life and coming to grips with the present.

Thank you even if you had only read the first few words.

Love yourself and the people around you guys.

Peace, Strength and Unity.

 

Thank you guys for the warm welcoming I have been trying to keep myself busy. I am currently on day 7 however had edged nearly everyday seeking that pixelated dopamine rush. Giving away essential fluids to silly Psubs, jhowever I know gratitude is a part of building a new person so. Thank you universe for they guys behind keyword blockers, SPIN browser, K9 web protection and most importantly my girlfriend who blocks most other things software miss.
Funny I have started a new job in the health service and I've noticed I have some mega muscle knots but I know I'm to blame for these by the hours of chasing through life and poor posture staring in to the screen. If anyone has any advice on to how to remove these I would be very grateful!

Anyway guys thank you again and everyone keep reporting those bad sites even those notorious instagram viewer sites to those guys at SPIN and K9

Peace Strength and Unity

 

Thank you The Serpent of Fire, are there any good effective guided meditation videos for beginners which have worked for nofappers? I know this is a long difficult process after years of a habit I just need to fight those urges and not give in. My will power must be in my boots as I go in to this staring zombie hyperfocus mode and its like I cannot shake it off until ultimately I release my life force.... Then I am full of regret, sorrow and regret. I'm sure it is not good for myself to call my self all the names under the sun for being so weak.

I did use to run however it was really impacting my knees so I had purchased a pair of asics gel kayano 23 to try combat this just been a bit lazy. I have also taken out my weights which haven't been used since 2011 just to slowly build up some of these unused muscles.

Any further advise or links you guys have please feel free to post, I know this site has a wealth of information. Its just to really apply it to life.

Thanks guys