89 Days

Almost 90 days ago I decided my life needed a change. This summer had been rough with lots of fights with my wife and lots of PM. My job gives me way too much free time in the summer, and I was spent too much time doing thing and looking at things that were tearing me up on the inside. My temper could be set off by any little annoyance. My spirituality felt fake. My wife was telling me that she didn't feel loved. My sex life was boring, and I wanted sex way more than my wife did. I hadn't hit rock bottom because things could have been way worse, but I did not like my life. I did not like the direction my marriage was taking. I did not like the man in the mirror.

I have tried to stop PM for my entire life it seems. I have had little successes, but I always fell back into the bad habits. Finding this website, yourbrainonporn, and fightthenewdrug.com really helped my internal motivation. Reading posts about guys younger than me complaining of ED really got my attention. My wife would even say that she knew when I had been looking at porn bc I was not as responsive during sex. Yikes! I decided that I wanted to go 90 days.

I'm almost there. The struggle is still around, but it's not as bad or as constant as it was 3 months ago. Don't get me wrong, I still have the temptations, but when I look at my counter and see 89 days of purity, that desire to look at a computer image loses its appeal.

My life is so much better now. My temper is under control. I am more patient and kind. My spirituality is on a higher plain. My wife says that she feels loved and has noticed a huge difference in the way I treat her. She is more secure with her appearance and our sex life. Our desire for sex is closer to the same level. I still want it more than her, but I'm not constantly bugging her. She actually initiates sometimes! Things like hand jobs and blow jobs are something that she will do because she loves me now, not because she feels pressured into it. I like the man in the mirror. I feel like a man now, a man who is in control of his life. With PM, I was like a slave. I didn't want to do it, but I went back again and again. I hated myself for my weakness.

My goal is not over tomorrow. I want to continue. But when I compare my life now and my life 3 months ago, there is no contest. Life without PM is richer, deeper, sexier, and way more fun. And the icing on the cake is that my wife found out she was pregnant 2 days ago! I never wanted to bring another life into this world while I was out of control. I know that there will be tough times ahead, but with this aspect of my life under control, I feel ready to tackle the challenged of fatherhood. Being a dad is a huge responsibility, and when I was stuck in PM, I was hyper-critical and moody. That is not the environment to raise kids in. I want the best for my family, and me off of PM is way better than me 3 months ago.

Be encouraged men. Life without PM is worth the fight. Do it for you wives, your children, and yourself. My journey has just begun, but the first chapter is over. I can see the light and want to shout back into the darkness, "There's hope. Never give up! Never surrender!"

 

Wild at Heart by John Eldridge and Iron John are both great books about manhood