PA and Marriage

Here is a thread with a lot of good Ted Talks related to porn:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/good-ted-talks.124288/

 

I apologize to you @Angelos. I see now more clearly what is informing your perspective. Best of luck on your journey.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

my thoughts exactly...

 

Really? What? Maybe at some stage he'll explain his feelings and needs and work through why they aren't having sex. He could also do none of those things.

 

If you ever decide to pursue a relationship this (being honest) will serve you well. P causes problems in relationship when partners are dishonest (both with each other and with themselves).

 

"I don't know, I was thinking every day, but if she wants once a week, then I would prod her for more."

My partner and I have sex almost every day, I never turned him down for sex, not even when we were in different countries( I was always available to him through virtual means). And yet, he choose P over me. I would spend days of my leave from work, doing things for him, trying to make him feel loved and desired, had sex with him and done whatever he wanted, and yet, day after I left to go to work he did not wait even the necessary time for me to get far enough, and he was on P. No it does not matter how available, or willing, or kinky we are, we are not a first choice for an Addict. Porn kills the mind, kills love, kills everything that is good in people. It teaches them that it is ok to abuse a woman or a man, that it is ok to be promiscuous, that it is ok to lust over any woman/man we want and that it is ok to choose the screen over a live willing partner. Everyone does it anyway, right?

 

THIS. This right here.

 

Great reply!

Why would a man and woman be different but not equal? Look at your hands..... each is different..... but your hands are equal and opposite.

Why can't a man and a woman or two people in general regardless of sex, race, color, sexual preference, etc. be both equal and opposite?

 

I think sometimes the problem is in the definition of equal. Some think equal means the same.
I think equal in this case means equal in value.
The question is equal in value to whom?
The law?
The person speaking?
Everyone?
My personal feeling is that no person is worth more than another objectively.
But some people have more value to us (our children, spouse, family)
That’s why we would sacrifice other people first.
But that is a subjective view.
Objectively women and men are equal in value.

 

I agree, the term equal is subjective. For me I simply look at everyone as my equal. I am no better and no worse than anyone else. My SO is my equal and opposite, her strengths are my weaknesses and my strengths are her weaknesses so we balance each other. This is merely how I view the subject.

 

I think in this day and age you were going to have a really hard time dating if you take this point of you. Personally I out earn. Almost every single man I have ever dated. I am also more educated and have a powerful job. Most definitely I would want to man to see me as his equal. I would never want to be with a man that attempted to assert authority over me. I also would never want a man Who put me on a pedestal. Marriage is a team lead both people playing equal rules. Wow men may not be able to give birth they can certainly stay home with the children after they are born. In my case my partner will stay home with the children because it makes more sense for me to continue to work . Or men and women physically different? Of course we have different body parts. If that does not mean we are not equal. In this day and age it is very difficult to find a woman who wants to play traditional gender roles. So if you were looking for that type of a woman you were going to have a hard time.

 

He says he has no interest in dating. Which makes me wonder why he is posting in this section. He has other areas he can post in that he won't be insulting the SO here. It almost seems like he just wants to stir up trouble.

 

I am of the opinion that deep down most people have the desire to be loved and feel safe in a relationship. So when people say they don’t want one particularly people who are wounded emotionally I read sour grapes. “Since women reject me I don’t need them anyways.” Or even the non wounded who fear rejection so much that they talk themselves out of relationships, set unrealistic standards for what they seek or make generalizations about the opposite sex to justify not dating. That’s what I see going on here and that’s why I responded as I did. I do think often people who I described above often do stir up trouble or try to to reinforce their beliefs that they are right about how women act or how they are all the same or how they will never find someone who they desire. There certainly are those that simply don’t want relationships for reasons unrelated to baggage, fear or pain but they are normally asexual which is a totally different thing. I also truly believe in the saying thou protest too much. If you really don’t want to date there is no need to talk about it so much. It’s like you are trying to talk yourself into what you are saying.

 

Everyday sex is unrealistic. Again if that is something you expect you are unlikely to ever find a mate that makes you happy and even if you do have everyday sex, when marriage, kids, work school etc come along in the Long term this is even more unrealistic.

Sorry for the long quote but for whatever reason it is quoting your post like five times. On the divorce rate thing, I read your article and I think you may be interpreting what it says incorrectly. Yes women who marry as virgins are less likely to divorce, but that’s because women who remain virgins before marriage tend to be more religious, and therefore don’t see divorce as an option. The article says they go to church at least once a week. So its not likely they don’t divorce due to less sexual experience, but due to religous beliefs. And if you marry a woman who is religous in this sense, you often end up with one who is a prude in bed and not open to new things. You also have zero idea how sexually compatible you are. The article says that women with three to nine partners were less likely to divorce than women that had had only two partners, again if more sexual partners makes a woman more likely to divorce how does that make sense? Because as the article points out this has just started happeneing recently I suspect it’s less about sex partners and more about women becomin more equal with men and have the bability to leave if they are unhappy. Sure if I had sex with others I know if my current partner is horrible in bed, and that I could have better, but I communicate that to him. IN the past women feared communicating this to men, because they needed the marriage to survive. So even if they knew the sex was bad, they stayed because they had to. Now I can support myself. IF a husband is bad in bed I discuss it with him, and if things don’t change I can leave. You say “men must satisfy themselves if their spouse does not for sure.” No they must not. Men have free will, and their spouse is not their for their sole sexual pleasure. The reason many men are not having as much sex as they want is because they take the attitude you describe above. No one wants to be treated as a sex object. Then you go onto state that if they “happen to” watch porn it’s definitely not the end of the world and they should say it to them. Again you say it as if watching porn is not a choice, you just don’t “happen to watch it” you choose to unless you are addicted. And it is the end of the world if. Your spouse thinks it is. And they should just say it to them okay “Honey it is your job to satisfy my sexual needs. If you do not I am going to watch porn and you have to be okay with that.” So woman has sex with you even though she does not want to and is not at all into it, becuase you threaten to watch porn, do you enjoy being with an unwilling partner? Ick. And yes while it used to be legal to rape your wife, it is not anymore and that mentality is problemsome. I presume you are from a Country that has arranged marriages, but if no one is willing to arrange you then go date. And having sex once a day is an unrealistic standard. And woman who are being “prodded” for more sex daily, are going to want to have less sex with you.

 

Off topic, but I have to point out a couple of things...

This is a stereotypical statement and 100% inaccurate.

This is a fallacy that many believe and is not a predictor for divorce. It can take YEARS to find out if two people are really sexually compatible. Those who have been married for 10+ years can attest that it gets better with time. It is too easy for people to turn tail and run when sex doesn't seem to be working out when they aren't married, instead of doing what they can to work through the issues like they would within a marriage.

 

I’m not sure that anyone can say it’s 100 percent inaccurate that religious women tend to not be prudes as there are very few things That you can say with 100% accuracy in life. Maybe based on your own personal experience and life you have seen it to be that, but I have seen quite the opposite. I should clarify that I meant women who participate in organized religion not people that are solely religious. I went to Catholic school but no longer practice, however many of my female friends are still very catholic and by that I mean church every week. They feel guilt over enjoying sex ,even in marriage. Many sex acts they seem to be disgusting. They are not open to new things and quite frankly don’t enjoy sex. They also don’t believe in birth control so they don’t enjoy sex or want to try new things, for fear of pregnancy. This is a pretty large group of people. And my male friends that married religous women share this belief strongly. And as far as sex before marriage I could not disagree with you more on this matter. I think it’s essential prior to marrying. It’s not just about what One desires in bed it’s frequency of sex. In addition if a man suffers from PIED or ED you would not know that prior to marriage. And there is such a thing as bad sex that can’t be fixed. If a man’s member is too large or too small. If he won’t take direction and do want you suggest will please you. If you are committing yourself to monogamy with someone for the rest of your life you are best advised to make sure you enjoy having sex with them! And I do think sex is very important in a relationship. It’s what separates love from friendship and if it’s not there it will kill a relationship. Could you work on it after marriage? Sure you can but why choose to marry someone and already go in with a handicap? When you are married and have a good sex life but then it tanks that’s totally different yes work on it but pre marriage why! And I also don’t think bad sex gets better in most cases. I can’t tell you the amount of male friends I have who married thinking the sex would get better, it did not and they are now divorced.