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Wives want their husbands to adore them

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TryingHard2Change, May 13, 2018.

  1. Angelos

    Angelos Fapstronaut

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    I see what you mean. If he was honest from the start would it have been okay?
     
  2. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    It doesn't matter if you see it that way or not, it matters to the person that was hurt, lied to and betrayed to decide how they feel. And honestly I don't decide how I feel, I just feel the way I do whether you see it as justified or not.
     
  3. I think it is a question of empathy. Would you feel ok if you found out your (hypothetical) girlfriend or wife was secretly M-ing and experiencing lots of Os to videos of other men behind your back and staring at other men's penises wishing she could have sex with them?

    If you felt ok about that I can see why you are having a hard time understanding because a lot of people are not ok with this. (Please see the glossary for what M and O mean in this forum if you are not familar with the abbreviations yet).
     
  4. Angelos,

    I am going to present you with something to ponder. My recovery involved a program based on the 12-steps. In that program, finding "God" or a "Higher Power" is the path to recovery. Although I claim no specific religion (my upbringing was Lutheran), I did, in that program, find God "as I understand God" as they say in program. You mentioned in a previous post that you are here to "find God" not a girlfriend or something like that.

    So...

    If you are trying to quit porn to find God, how have you not betrayed _yourself_ for your past use of porn?

    Do you see what I am getting at?
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  5. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @TryingHard2Change I agree with your wife, I feel similarly.


    Yes, I agree, wanting to feel important, and a priority whether it's women or work... it sucks to feel last place.

    Actually.... there are PA's (porn addicts) who have beat and raped their partners because of their anger toward their spouse for getting hurt by their porn addiction. It's happened... that may not be everyone's story, but there are some SO's here who have been victim to physical and sexual abuse by the porn addict.

    174 days... does not equal 20 years of lying. 174 is an amazing Start. But it's not the ending. Marriage takes a lot of work, without addiction, but with addiction, it's a million times more work.

    A lot of partners of addicts DO consider porn cheating. Some even stated it early in the relationship. So really, it's up to each partner whether they consider it cheating or not.
     
  6. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    i'm little hesitant to jump in this thread -it had such a nice start, then sorta went somewhere else...

    but i have two small comments to add:
    1- i think everything that TH2T said that women want from their man... also applies 100% as things that men want from their woman. Need to add respect - but beyond that men also deeply need to feel cherished and important to their mate.

    2- (this is more scary territory) the broken plate analogy has never quite set all the way right with me. i hope no one, especially an SO, will take this as minimizing their pain. what the broken plate analogy doesn't allow for is things sometimes being stronger and deeper after being tested. does that not fit too somehow? like a muscle - working out actually breaks down muscle tissue - and it hurts - but the result is a stronger muscle in a few days.

    i throw that out to see it it fits anywhere...
     
  7. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I think what you describe in #2 above is possible -- I don't think very many of us who are here on NoFap are at that place (or even close to it). We are all in the throes of discovery PA for what it is / dealing with its aftermath / figuring out how we pick up the pieces and move on with our lives (separately or together) / etc.

    I also think from our vantage point right now: the idea that we will NEVER be able to fully "get over" all the hurt and pain .. it will always be there .. some reminder / some trigger / etc. --- that is all too real for almost everyone here on NoFap. So the idea of being stronger and deeper .. just feels like a wishful dream.

    ..

    Now, I do think that the PA who comes out of his addiction and fog -- and the PA who gets reconnected to the SO -- I think when that happens, there is a high likelihood that the connection is deeper .. if[when] that happens for me, I'm confident the connection will be like NOTHING my wife and I have ever experienced .... because there has been such a lack of real connection in our 20-year marriage.

    ..

    Anyway, what you said is probably right / hopefully right for those marriages that are 5+ years past DDay _and_ the marriage is back together and healthy.
     
  8. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    i think what it adds, TH2H, is HOPE. if all any of us has in our future is a wobbly glued together plate, or a leaky glass... then that just leaves us in a negative and potentially despairing place. if there is at least the hope that the glued plate has the possibly of being even more durable and strong- even though it will always be glued and scared, then that casts things in a much different and potentially hopeful light IMO.
     
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Let me illustrate something. My husband adored me. He was emotionally available. He always told me, and showed me, how much he loved me and how much I meant to him. My friends were always envious of the attention he paid to me. We were close. Couples commented on our "couple-ness." I always felt safe with him. At the same time, while I didn't realize it was happening at the time, he made me feel that I couldn't trust my intuition. When I would find P, or some evidence of it, I was gaslit, though it was done in such a loving way, I didn't even know. Of course my man wasn't looking at P. He loves and adores me too much. It was just a virus on the computer. That connection I thought I saw with a co-worker? Pffft...not a chance. His eyes are only for me.

    Then DDay happened, and everything came to light. Suddenly I questioned absolutely everything about this man. About my life. About my judgement. This wonderful, amazing man I thought I had for TWENTY YEARS was gone. Everything he ever said to me is now tainted. Pictures are colored differently. It wasn't real. He never felt that way about me. At least not only me. He brought thousands of women into our marriage bed to lay between us every night and I didn't even know. The things we did in bed, that I thought were special just between us, were re-enactments of porn scenes. My heart, my marriage, my life, were now nothing but shattered messes of devastation and destruction.

    So I ask you...after the kind of trauma that my husband has caused, you want to try to turn that around on me? You expect two decades of damage to be repaired in a year? You don't get to lay that at my feet. He said and did all the right things before. I gave my whole heart to him. And he crushed it all. I can't trust anything. Make no mistake. I absolutely love him more than anything. I will do everything to make our marriage work. I have no intention of leaving. It's been a year and we have come quite a ways. We are not in a bad place. He is in recovery and does not know exactly how much betrayal trauma I carry with me because I want him to heal. I'll worry about me. But he is not my safe place anymore. Maybe he will be again. I hope he will be. It's going to take time. How much time depends on him. It we fail, it will not be because I gave up.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
  10. When D Day is mentioned I think of that and then I think how can it have anything to do with WWII so I just accept I don't know what it actually is. Why even have the term D Day? Are you trying to confuse people who don't know what it is?
     
  11. Angelos

    Angelos Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys for your comments. I've read them all, it appears that women consider porn as cheating. As I mentioned, I am not married so don't know how it works. Because I am autistic I very much doubt I will ever get married. The truth is porn does corrode our minds, but I would never imagine it would corrode a marriages. I can't guarantee I would go porn-free, and I can I guarantee I would never go with another woman, so maybe this would be enough, who knows.

    I never realized women considered porn such a bad thing. I don't know the future of the younger generation but I can guarantee they are all pretty hooked on it.
     
  12. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

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  13. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

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    Angelos, how old are you?
     
  14. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I have read something about how in Japan they would fill the cracks of broken things with gold when repairing it, to make the object even more beautiful. That reminds me of what you are talking about here. I think yes, that IS possible. In fact, a couple of points in our last year, I've though some things in our marriage are much stronger now, and those things are good. But they don't make up for what it took away (for me).
     
  15. Angelos

    Angelos Fapstronaut

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    We all have our own ideas on things. Thanks for your recognition. I will come back to you guys tonight because I've been thinking about what you guys said all day long, and even though it makes sense, it still confuses me. For me anyhow, I don't want to feel porn (as bad as it is) should really hurt anybody except for me. I will no doubt get back to you guys with what I feel and believe. It will be rather lengthy, but again, this is not intended to offend, but to understand the core. Hopefully it will show up another insight to things.
     
  16. Hi Angelos,

    When you do, start a new thread, because this thread _was_ about another topic. :)

    Peace,
    Quinn
     
  17. This...I feel like you were writing my story, or at least all the way up to the 'year in recovery' part. We aren't there yet, but I hope we'll get there eventually.

    Like @EyesWideOpen, I have been fortunate to have a time in my life when my husband showed me the wonderful adoration most people desire but haven't yet experienced. Along with that was the incredible sense of security in believing that my marriage was special, and I didn't have to worry about things many wives worry about because he loved and wanted only me. There was a lot of happiness in all that naivety.

    Looking back, part of me feels lucky to have had that time, but the other part feels like, because of that, I've been hurt even more because I had farther to fall (farther than if he wouldn't have built me up so high...I don't mean to sound like I'm minimizing anyone else's pain because I'm not). Although unintentional, it's like he set me up. Now, it hurts to think about how great he made me feel. Crazy...:confused:


     
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  18. Angelos

    Angelos Fapstronaut

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    Will do! :) Thanks! I'll tag you in for your input and debate though.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  19. My comments weren't aimed at you personally.
     
  20. usernamenaive

    usernamenaive Fapstronaut

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    i feel like from what iv read im in the minority here but i dont agree with this.
    i dont want my SO to adore me, im not perfect and some times i want to do other things ,sometimes im moody and argumentative . i dont want to be adored, I'm not an object but i want two way respect, love, affection and understanding. For him to know how to support me when im having a bad day. i want to made love to and my desires met.
    i think about my SO at work sometimes and we text but also I'm at work so im focused on that. He should enjoy work and do a great job not be thinking about me 24/7.
    i would expect sometimes he doesnt want to see me, i dont want to always see him. especially right now! i want him to have his own life. though i think a little time apart is nice to make you miss each other.
    i do want to be the most important thing in my SO life, i want to know he has my back and it winds me up when hes selfish sometimes. but he needs friends and hobbies away from me. i want the same. id like if he went out with friends more when i do and not sit at home and PMO like i now think he does.
    basically i think that many people have too high expectations of romantic love. we are all human therefore not perfect, sometimes in a relationship life is so tough and you dont like each other but if you love each other you'll work on it. im not going to blame myself for any of this it started long before we met but i know i can either help or make it worse. i dont 100% know what helps and what doesn't. but its not my fault but im not sure its his either. but you are both PA, is it necessary to place blame? you need to take responsibility of it however.
     
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