A squirrely Journal

I just started reading my new book. About narcissist and fixing to go back over my lists. I've also been trying to come up with better punishments for breaking my boundaries.

 

Yesterday I got up and got ready for church. I went to church but I really wasn't mentally there. I didn't talk to anybody, I just went to church and when it was over I left. When I got in the car. I took my phone out of the glove box and saw that Rachie had text me saying "I'll meet you at a park", I said "okay I'm starting to heading to that park. We both met at the Park. I brought my disclosure letter with me that she asked me to write. When I got out of the truck I saw Richie and she look beautiful. We walked a decent distance until we were at a table were nobody else was around and she had me read my disclosure letter to her. Then we talked for quite a long time. She wanted to know that I was for real this time in my recovery. I admitted that I thought at times I was serious but I've never truly been serious. I did just enough to keep her. I told her I was still gaslighting her and explained how I was gaslighting her some of the ways I told her about she didn't know about. I told her maybe we didn't know some of these things but the effects of gaslighting is a parent. If I had stop gaslighting her she would feel at a healthier place than she does now. Rachel and the kids are home. My heart is filled with joy from this point on I'm serious about my recovery. I don't want to slip into what I've been. I don't want to be the person known for lies and inflicting pain on others. I don't want to be the person who passes addiction down to my kids and I want to stop hurting Rachie. So what I'm going to do today for recovery; read my book on understanding narcissism, go to my new csat therapist, Journal and look at it video from a NoFap thread. The understanding narcissism book is written more for people who live with narcissists, so I'm trying to read it from the perspective that if Rachie was reading that book. I feel by doing this it will help me in two ways; one I'll start being able to catch when I'm gaslighting, two I'm hoping that having a book to read from my wife's perspective. Will help me see the world from her perspective more. If I can see the world from her perspective better then I can recognize her triggers and do what I need to do to help her not be triggered.

 

May 1st "First Day of my life"

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Read my book
• Come up with color limits
• Figure out bills
• Push for a raise
• Spend extra time with kids

Yesterday I had my first appointment with my new CSAT therapist. I think it went well. I feel like he was having a hard time finding me. I got the expression that he's not used to guys who have done some recovery work.

I've told him about saws and notices, he said some of the guys in his group keep track of how long and gave me an example like 30 seconds. (To me that's a ogle and a relapse. I didn't tell him that.)

He told me there client has PAs and SOs go seperet then after so many session we will start going together. I thought at first "that's great", but the more I think about it I don't like it. At less in my case, so much of what I did was so opposite from what I betray in day to day life. I was so different that the pain and trauma I've caused Rachie has left no trust in me. I just don't think it's good for Rachie for me to be talking to a therapist without her being there until she can trust me more and now that I'm not deceiving the therapist.

 

Goels for Recovery today:

• Journal
• Men Group
• Vedio
• Read

I thought yesterday was good. Rachie had therapy and she felt really good afterwards. She told me how it went. At some point in our talking about her recovery it hit me that betrayal trauma and PA recovery mimic each other in a way.

As a PA we spend time trying to not fantasy. As a SO they deal with trying not to think about what the PA has done. Rachie said to me "when I think about the things you did. I see everything. ( then described in detail) and it just doesn't stop.

I was quite for a long time after that. I was processing the kind of pain she had just described. I tried not to but I did cry when I said "That's F up. Here I am as PA telling you, "how good I'm doing about not fantasizing and everything else and your right there reliving and reseeing it." I don't understand way you would stick around. Just to be hurt like that and even more so when I was doing." Rachie said "you can't put limits on love."

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Rachie went to bed last night mad at me. She told me why she was mad this morning. Last night as a family we watched a movie. Towards the end of the movie she stated petting me and I put my hand on her leg (not in a sexual way). Soon after the movie was over and the kids were getting crazy plus it was way past there bed time. It took a minute but I got up and put my son down. I had lots to do last night, bill, send a change of address email to the company I work for and transfer money from one account to another cuz we are overdrawn. Which is things I told Rachie I would do.

At one point I went downstairs and she asked if I could get her head phones. I said yes but I forgot. I was taking care of some of the thing I just mention but could tell some with Rachie was wrong. She mention the head phones and I said (not in a negative way) you have feet. She was smiling and said I now I have feet. The went back to looking at her phone. (When my wife is looking at her phone I figure she's OK and that she's happy with whatever she's doing.) I did go get the head phones. Then I went back downstairs and finished cleaning the downstairs. (I vacuum, do the dishes, wipe down the table and take out trash everyday. So Rachie doesn't have to wake up to a dirty house)

She told me everything that I did wrong yesterday when we woke up. I forgot the headphones she asked for. I said "that she has two feet", I'm touching her to sexual still other then when I touch her leg, I'm not showing love in other ways except when I opening the door to the car, I didn't knowledge her when she was petting me on the couch. I started to defend myself but stopped. It was to late she was done talking and I was late to work.

I focused on a lot of big things yesterday that she been asking for me to do but I missed the little things. So a list of things Rachie needs from me everydat:

• Show I love her in a not sexual way
  • Hand on her back
  • Open doors
  • Tell her I love her. Other than when I want her.
  • Lots of hugs and kisses
  • Lots of petting
  • To knowledge her petting me.
• Don't defend myself
• Don't forget when I say I'm going to get something.

 

My Recovery Goals for today:

• Journal
• Read
• Man's group
• Watch "Helping her Heal"

I posted this in the man's group thread.

In thinking about relapse prevention, what advice do you [inner addict] have for me to keep me from wandering in to my old ways?
Know my triggers, what can lead to a trigger, and know what is safe.

How can we work together so that I do not repeat these old cycles?
(Red) triggers are sites that have porn. (Yellow) what leadd to triggers, Pinterest, workout tutorials, gyms, ogling, stress. (Green) what is safe. Watching cartoons, playing boardgames, talking, limited vedio game time, playing with kids and books.

Today, I'm sorting through my thoughts:

How to stay out of RED:

• Pinterest
  • Don't go on Pinterest
• Workout tutorials or anything like that
  • Have Rachie look into something for me.
• Gyms
  • Don't go to a gym and don't be looking around if I get close to one. If needed find ways not to pass a gym.
• Ogling
  • Remember those people I'm looking at like an object are people. Wives, daughters, have lives and don't care about me. I'm just some creep to them.
  • Remember My wife is the one who loves me and will do anything for me.
  • Think "if Rachie was here with me. How would my action make her feel".
  • Think of something unattractive about the person I saw.
• Stress
  • Remember "RACHIE BELIVES IN ME" don't go back to pmo.
  • Reach out to others.
  • If the stress is from feeling of guilt or sham then resolve the problem.
    • I'm I being truthful to Rachie
    • I'm I doing everything I said I would

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The other day Rachie said I'm not showing her love very much. I do sometime. So I looked up "How to be a gentleman" my thought is if I treat Rachie like a lady. Then she will feel loved and special.

A list of what gentleman do:

1. A gentleman opens doors for a lady.
2. A gentleman walks closest to the curb.
3. A gentleman makes reservations.
4. A gentleman gives her his jacket.
5. A gentleman is punctual.
6. A gentleman rises when she enters the room.
7. A gentleman gives compliments sincerely and often.
8. A gentleman helps her to be seated.
9. A gentleman gives up his seat.
10. A gentleman helps a lady with her coat.
11. A gentleman says "please" and "thank you."
12. A gentleman minds his table manners.
13. A gentleman is never rude to servers, bartenders, or anyone else for that matter.
14. A gentleman pays.
15. A gentleman gets her safely to her door.
16. A gentleman listens.(ouch )
17. A gentleman keeps his word and a secret.
18. A gentleman never hits a woman. Ever.
19. A gentleman shows initiative.
20. A gentleman pays attention to details.
(Double ouch )
22. A gentleman is a jack of all trades.
23. He goes out of his way to let her know he cares. Every. Single. Day.

Oddly enough if I fallow these things it will help me not gaslight Rachie to.

Gaslighting: They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits.
VS
Gentleman: A gentleman gives compliments sincerely and often.

Gaslighting: Their actions do not match their words. I keep saying "I will do this or that" and I never do.
VS
Gentleman: A gentleman keeps his word and a secret.

Gaslighting: any of it!
VS
Gentleman: He goes out of his way to let her know he cares. Every. Single. Day.

 

Goals for recovery today:

• Journal
• Sex boundary list
• Vedio
• Read
• Read over former list

Yesterday Rachie and I went and talked to our Pastor. I told him everything, why Rachie left, what I did to make her leave, and what I was doing for recovery.

At same point, our Pastor asked "How are you (meaning me) doing on the spiritual side of all of it". I was honest and said "Not good. I believe in what God can do but I've been hurt to much by people. People who were supposed to have authority in church. I've been beaten down. When I started going to church I tote Bible study, prayed with people, I even use to go to parks with a hand full of people sing a few songs then teach a Bible lesson for anyone who wanted to hear. When I had to leave the first church I went to and started to go to another one. I was made to feel like I was doing wrong and felt alone. Then after some time I turned back to porn to cope with the pain. So I feel like "church" has never helped me but doing recovery work has. I do believe God has help me. I believe God has put people in my life and has opened up resources for me to learn to get better." After I said all that my Pastor was not mean and seemed hurt by the pain I had gone through. He said "Keep doing your recovery work. Don't forget the spiritual side of things to and I'm here for you if you need me."

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Man's Group Thread
• Read
• Make phone calls for bills
• Watch Video

My weekend was OK. I have started keeping track of when Rachie is triggered. I figure that if I know what triggers her then talk to her about it, mostly her feelings, then I hope that she can start healing in some way. Also, if I know what triggers her we can come up with a plan to avoid or something so she won't be triggered.

The mess up thing is I'm the one who caused he to be triggered in the first place. If it was not for me being a PA then she would not be going through this pain, worry, feeling less than, feeling ugly, and feelings of sham. All those things she feeling are my fault and she never desired to feel that way. She's a strong, smart, HOT, and caring woman and I pray that she can start seeing that herself.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Man's group thread
• Read
• Video

Yesterday Rachie had her first woman's group. She said that "she's the youngest woman in the group." and "that the next youngest woman in the group has been married 14 years." Rachie and I have been married 6 years, so I was surprised by that. By what I gathered most everyone in the group is some were in there 40s. I thought there would be more younger than older woman in the class. Rachie is the youngest.

I don't think that bothers her to much. What bothers Rachie is that she never gets out and hangs out with other people so she said "just standing and talking to a bunch of people is very tiring to her." She told me that once a month the woman get to gather and eat dinner somewhere and I told her that she should go.

Rachie is a people person. She loves being around people and it used to give her more energy. Since we have been married that has changed. My PA and gaslighting has hurt her making it hard for her to have the confidence she once had. So when she gets around others she worries about if she looks dumb or if she's going to say something stupid. I feel like she needs to get out more and see that she is a person others like to be around. My hope is once she feels likes others like to be around her that her confidence will come back.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Man's Group thread
• Read
• Look up "How to have a conversation"

Here lately I'm messing up on little things. Yesterday, for example, when I was heading home from work I talk to Rachie. After we had talked for a long time I noticed Rachie was really quite and asked "what's wrong?" She said "Your talking at me not to me." She has told me this before and I try not to but I'm still doing it. What happens is I start telling a story and I don't stop telling the story. Normally I do this cuz I'm nervous. Today I'm going to look up "how to have a conversation." Hoping I can learn how to talk better.

Another example of messing up. Rachie told me that the kitchen light burned out. When I got home I started looking at it. Come to find out the light is an LED and you can't replace the bulbs in this particular fixture. I do electrical for a living and wanted to trace out to see if it was actually the fixture or the wiring to the fixture. That made my wife upset because we live in her apartment and there's things people to do those kind of things. She wanted to know why I wanted to fix it myself so bad and I told her "it's because I I want to be your hero" she said "You right my hero in a lot of other ways."

I know these things probably don't seem like much but little things add up especially when I mess up in a small way every day.

 

Rachie told me to leave yesterday. She said I've not change, I'm selfish and that since she's been home I've made her regret coming back. I left and came back.

I've messed up here lately and I know that. I've been selfish and fun to be around and whiny. I keep telling myself I'm doing good I'm changing but come to find out I'm not. All my list all the hours of recovery work, listening to helping her heal almost every day none of it is helping me be a better person.

I don't know how to change me but I want to.

 

My problem areas:

• Being selfish
• Excepting prays
• Whining
• Being Defensive

Being selfish. How to stop:

• Listen
  
• Put your needs last
  
• Put yourself in their shoes.
  
• Get off your high horse.
  
• Do you want to be known as the jerk?
  • People that always get what they want don’t exist, but people that always try to get what they want do—and those people are jerks.
• Break the habit
  
• Let it go.
  • I'm still stuck in the past over something and it's hurting my future.

Excepting prays

• I just need to stop. I can't control others feelings or reachens

Whining

• Watch your voice inflections.
• Win people over with honey, not vinegar.
• Stop guilt tripping people.
• Steer clear of wearing people down with your whining.
• Be aware of your eyes and face, too

Being Defensive

• I just need to stop. I'm wrong and I need to get that in my head.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Man's Group thread
• Go over list
• Read "Worthy of her trust"

Yesterday I took Rachie out to get mom a present for mothers day and out to eat, without the kids. I told her that we need to do this every week. We try to contact every day but there's just something about getting out and having us time.

We had a talk about sex last night. I've been boring in the bedroom for the most part our hole marriage. I've had no imagination. My imagination is coming back and (very) slowly things are getting better or at lest I want to believe that. Rachie ask me last night "Why do you think you have had no imagination?" I told her "I think porn has a lot to do with it. I also think that I am stunted sexually. I started using corn at a very young age and didn't need imagination. Combined porn at a young age and all the molesting done to my mother and sister sex was something hidden and a bad thing." I also said "I'm coming into my sexually now and would like to share it with you."

 

P is watching Porn
M is masturbation
O is orgasm

No PMO is hard mode. I have not done a hole lot of hard mode.

I think of them separately. When I say PM that means I have not watched P or M. Before D-day I would watch P but not m or O. I also M and O without P. I even M without P or O. When I say no O that means I've not O with wife.

Since D-day I have only O with my wife and it has been life changing.

I hope this answers your question.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Read
• Watch Video
• Men's Group Thread

Had a pretty good weekend. I was agitated on Saturday because we are short on money and that always puts me in a bad mood. By the middle of the day on Saturday my mood started being better and from that point on our weekend was good. Saturday night I went ahead and gave Rachie her Mother's Day gift. I painted a picture then put the kids and myself hand prints in the painting. Also I got her a card and some candy. She loved it

Sunday was one of the best days I've had in a long time. It was mothers day and I said to myself todays is Rachie's day. I didn't do anything big, but I did the little things. Not complain, keep in mind "could this be something that would get on Rachies nerves?" and not be selfish. I told Rachie later that night "I need to treat everyday like Mothers Day. This has been one of the best days I've had in a long time." She said "It was one of the best days she's had in a long time too."

I learned on Mather's Day, that putting her first makes me the happiest.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Man's Group thread
• Video
• Read

Had therapy last night with Rachie. It was OK. I was not fully there. I just didn't feel right yesterday and when I'm like that I seem distant. Something I need to work on. The way therapy went last night. We had both our therapist in the room with use and they tried to get to know us and we're we are at.

I feel like Rachies therapist is a very good match for her and just what she needs. However, I don't feel that way about my therapist and I'm hoping that will change. The program we are in I feel works best if Rachie has the therapist she has and I have the therapist I have. My therapist and I just don't click but there is a man group once a week and I feel like I can get a lot out of it.

Yesterday I started school and I am worried about some thinis. So yay me and Rachie won't see as much of each other and I HATE that.

Rachie has woman's group on Mondays. I have man's group on Tuesdays. We have church on Wednesdays and Sunday's. Also, I have class on Tuesday and Thursday. Giving us Friday night and maybe Saturday to be with each other. I don't think this is a good thing.

One of the things that causes a person to become a PA is disconnected and being a lone. I'm not worried about a relapse but I'm worried about my old bad habits coming back up: lying, being moody, and being selfish. I don't want to be that person ever again.

 

I broke a boundary today. When I get to work I am to let Rachie know. I forgot because I was running late. When I was heading upstairs. I remember and sent her a texted saying "made it to work I love you sweetie". The text was sent 21 minutes later then I normally send a text. So Rachies gets super triggered and texts me "why did I get to work so late." I told her that "I got to work a little late, my boss was still in his car and when he went inside I did to." She said "I'm supposed to believe you?" and "You have said things like that before when u used P. Why did you not tell me before I asked?" I said "I started to and stopped and don't know why."

So at this point I have lied and gaslighted Rachie. I finally told the truth. I did forget to text her when I got to work but saying I don't know why, was a lie. I didn't tell her why because I was hoping that she would not notice the time.

After we talked I told her that I am going to come up with consequences for braking bounderyes. I've not been good at the consequence part of recovery so she is skeptical and I would be to. If I was her but I'm going to make consequences and do them this time. I want her to know I am committed to recover.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Man's Group thread
• Read
• Reflected on yesterday

Yesterday I made a list of things I'm going to do when I brake a boundary:

• Clean all 3 bathrooms
• Double recovery work

I have gone through a lot of boundary consequences but none of them in the past helped me. This list is short but good for me. One I HATE cleaning the bathroom. I am happy to clean any other place in the house but bathroom. Two, double up on recovery work. I realized yesterday that the reason I am braking a boundary is that I'm starting to get lacks in the way I'm thinking or in my work. With all that being said I feel like I need a few more consequences.

Rachie and I went to: https://howwelove.com/core-patterns/vacillator-pleaser/
Yesterday our therapist told us to. It's not the 5 love languages. You take a little test then it tells you your love problem areas. For example, I'm mostly what is called a "victim":

"Kids survive a chaotic home environment by trying to “stay under the radar”, making themselves as invisible as possible. They’ll hide and appease, learning how to escape into their own heads to lessen the pain from their angry, violent, chaotic parents. Victims lack a sense of self-worth or personhood and are often anxious and depressed. Rather than engage, they’ll resort to just “going through the motions” in order to get by. Victims may emulate their childhood home environment by pursuing a relationship with a Controller. When children are involved in such a relationship, the Victim may even inflict their suppressed anger on their children whenever the Controller is not present."
​

This was copied and pasted form How we love.

Rachie is mostly a "Vacillator":

"Growing up with an unpredictable parent, Vacillators’ needs aren’t top priority. Without consistent parental affection they develop feelings of abandonment, and by the time the parent feels like giving again, their child is tired of waiting and too angry to receive. As adults, Vacillators are on a quest to find the consistent love they never received as children. They idealize new relationships, but then get tired of it once life (and the relationship) gets less than perfect."
​

Again copied and pasted.

After you and your spouse take the test. You can can go to "Core Patterns" and put in you and your spouses core. Then it will tell you your fight pattern and (for a cost) how to stop it.

For us,

• Rachie vents and assume my intentions are to hurt her.
• I lie or minimize the problem and think "she should be happy because of my niceness"
• Rachie: feels dismissed & misunderstood. She want “real” not “nice”; truth, not lies. She escalates, protesting angrily.
• I: Anxious about Rachi's anger, I do nice things to appease her and stem the anger… but I do so while avoiding the problem.
• Rachie: Feels abandoned, which intensifies their feelings. Strong language might be used, they may threaten to leave or divorce. Internally, they begin to devalue their partner and, over time, may feel contempt and disgust for them.
• Me: Anxiety intensifies and I become frantic. I feel dejected, thinking “I can never do it right!”
• Rachie: Ultimately, Rachies anxiety is relieved through anger. She may express her displeasure by pouting or sulking. Privately, however, she will review the event and assign motives and intentions to the my actions. Eventually, she will privately feel shame over her anger and/or words, and may feel unloveable.
• Me: I waits for Rachie to re-engage, and I am relieved when she finally do. I redoubles my efforts to please, in the hopes of avoiding another outburst.
• Repeat Cycle

Notice one of the things I do when I brake a boundary: "Double recovery work"

This is our pattern from the second we got married.