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I can't get her out of my mind (I need some support please)

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by FEEL, Apr 21, 2018.

  1. pezzer

    pezzer Fapstronaut

    honestly, it might be the best to let go, i always felt heartless distancing myself from girls when they told me how they really felt. It just hurts me to be around a girl, knowing we'd be nothing more than friends, and that's some emotional turmoil i just can't deal with so i try and separate myself from them. That, and alcohol to forget how im feeling, both aren't very good advice, but are my most effective methods rather than sitting dwelling day after day thinking about what could have been, thinking maybe, if i do this, maybe something can happen or by some miracle they just strike up a conversation with you one day.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2018
  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t find your post to be bitter at all, but pretty spot on.
     
    JustinX likes this.
  3. FEEL

    FEEL Fapstronaut

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    At least I tried and I did everything that was in my power so I don't have any "what if's" now.
    She was my first love. (It was a one-sided love but I still count it)
    so maybe that's why I've made all those mistakes.
    Maybe that's why I was so afraid to lose her in the first place,
    maybe that's why I opened up to her way too early (it's not only about me telling her that I love her)
    and maybe that's why I didn't have the courage to 'tease' her and to create that sexual tension between us
    but at the end of the day, I'm happy that I met her and I don't regret about anything (I never will)
    Not the gifts, not the time and not the emotions.

    About me hoping her to see the wonderful guy I am - I'll tell you the same thing that I said to @GG2002 :
    It was never my motive and I have never seen her in that way.

    It wasn't bitter, I do agree with some of the things that you said.
    Thanks.
    That was a great advice!
    thanks,bro.
     
    pezzer likes this.
  4. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    It’s never good to push down feelings, you need to grieve the loss and feel thus you need to feel this pain, no matter how much it hurts. That being said if your doctor has prescribed these medications, then it is best to take them until you speak to he or she.
     
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    It may have not consciously been your motive, meaning for her to see you as more than a friend, but logic deduction can only come to the conclusion that it was your motive and that is seen by the way you feel now. You were in love with her, you wanted more. If she would have given you more you would have gladly taken it. You fooled yourself into being her friend. And now you hurt and sad, because of course you wanted more. As a woman who has had this happen to her, I am simply giving the other perspective. I have had men profess love early on, and late in the game that were solely friends. The ones that were in your case, I made very clear I did not feel the same way, I was not physically attracted to them, and wanted nothing more. They agreed, and never did anything to pursue me, an acted solely like my friend, and I trusted them as my friend. But all the while they were hoping for something more, and then they are angry and hurt when it’s not there. It is hurtful to the female. She thought you were her friend for altruistic reasons, but really you were only biding your time for something more. I know you did not consciously do this, and you say that is not how you were thinking, but if she had offered you more, you would have taken it, so yes you had ulterior motives beyond friendship.

    there was nothing between the two of you other than friendship. And love is not one sided. You lusted for her, you were enamoured with her, but this is not love. And yes first loves are VERY hard to get past, becasue you don’t have perspective. At 40 if my heart get broken, I know it will get better, because it’s happened before, and I have gotten bettter, you will too. But you need to use what you have learned for next time. 1. You DESERVE better. You deserve a woman who reciprocates your feelings, from the very beginning and they are out there, don’t settle for less. 2. Women see friendships differently then men. If you are interested in more than friendship, tell her early on and if she does not reciprocate , move on. Do not stay and be her friend. That does nothing but cause hurt and pain, and it takes time away from seeking our a true partner. 3. Do not buy a woman gifts if she does not reciprocate. My friends and I, female and male buy each other birthday gifts, etc. But never does one friend always do the buying, that’s a dating dynamic (one I don’t agree with), and you will never win a woman over this way. It may make her happy temporarily but its what is inside that truly matters. 4. It gets better. You will fall in and out of love many times in your life, like most of us have. You will learn from each heartbreak and you will pick yourself up and move on. Dating and love involve a lot of risk, but you have to take the risk to get the reward. And finally the most important one 5, you will be fine alone. When I came to this realization in life, it was then and only then that I started meeting the right people. Don’t be afraid of losing any dating partner. That reads as needy and leads you to choose unhealthy relationships because you are so afraid of being alone.
     
    Hitto and pezzer like this.
  6. FEEL

    FEEL Fapstronaut

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    That's exactly my problem.
    In my mind, I knew that it's over and, I really wanted to just let go of my emotions and to be a normal friend (just as I used to be) but something inside me didn't let me to.
    It's like my heart and my brain are two enemies.

    I was just searching for my happiness and, she was my happiness for over a year.
    I still have some mixed emotions towards her, I'm sorry.
    The saddest part about it is that we stopped talking without even saying goodbye.

    Thank you very much for your reply.
    I really needed to hear a woman's perspective, you're awesome!
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2018
    pezzer likes this.
  7. FEEL

    FEEL Fapstronaut

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    Day 24 since our last conversation, I'm feeling weird.
    I get this stupid urge every once in a while to remove her from my cell phone and my social media
    but then I always think about "the next day" - the day I wake up and she is not in my life anymore.
    Because I realize that after making such a move there's no turning back. And, I'm not sure if I'm ready yet.
     
    pezzer likes this.
  8. TheBigBadWolf

    TheBigBadWolf Fapstronaut

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    I know it's tough losing a close friend. You have to accept the fact that she is not putting effort into rebuilding your relationship, so why should you? Meet some more people, learn something new, and over time if she cares about fixing your broken friendship, then she will contact you. Good luck, don't be afraid to move on.

    -TheBigBadWolf
     
    pezzer and FEEL like this.
  9. FEEL

    FEEL Fapstronaut

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    Day 27 since our last conversation.
    I had a bad depression this morning, I was dizzy, I couldn't concentrate and I was literally about to collapse.
    Right now I'm feeling a little bit better but still this whole situation really sucks.
    Why is that so hard for gods sake
     
  10. Dude counting the days since you’ve last talked is not going to help you get over her at all. Focus your energy on moving forward.
     
    Hitto and JustinX like this.
  11. FEEL

    FEEL Fapstronaut

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    Believe me I'm trying..
    It gets easier.. I won't say that it's not
    but I still catch myself a lot of times thinking about her
     
  12. FEEL

    FEEL Fapstronaut

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    I removed her from my phone and social media..
    I don't know what I got myself into
     
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  13. SolitaryScribe

    SolitaryScribe Fapstronaut

    seems she friendzoned you and isn't interested in even staying as friends. Move on dude, not worth the hassle. Or do what I did, start dating one of her friends
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  14. Hitto

    Hitto Fapstronaut

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    All good things come to an end or they wouldn't be good let her go and she was really your friend she will come back but for now you need to find ways to cope with your emotions in a healthy way and give yourself closure because seeking closure from her is only gonna hurt you even more but you will be ok be thankful you had this experience and learn from it and most importantly be grateful for those who are still in your life and cherish them
     
  15. shezraan

    shezraan Fapstronaut

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    I was dumbfounded, astonished even. This was me, exactly two years ago. Each description I read, and the ways in which the problem was described (oneitis?) fits my mold as does yours. For me, that was 4 or 5 years.

    Now, since I couldn't bring myself to block her out in my case, she did it on her own, so it's been about a year since we exchanged emails. That said, @GG2002 summarises the rationalism that I couldn't figure out till this day, and reading about it being almost a medical condition opened my eyes.

    It is hard. It is goddamn hard. Unknowingly, I even spoke of this to my most recent crush, and I could feel the effects of the condition coming back like a flash, and lo and behold, she distanced herself with much hostility. This time, I wanted to address the underlying problem instead, but that's a personal detail.

    I counted the days as well at one point, but the thing is, it's best to redirect your time to something you truly enjoy. Reading, programming, video games, memes and rants, amateur philosophy, and friends fill up my time; meditation, prayer, or other combinations work well too. Find your niche, get better at it and stuff. I'll not give dating advice since I'm younger and I fail each time (the reasons here summarise my attempts as well).

    Please continue persevering, and I'll be happy to share my observations with you if you're interested in discussing this on pm.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  16. Mets1986

    Mets1986 Fapstronaut

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