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First love, lack of experience, beeing a fantasizer

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by manimlonely, Mar 29, 2018.

  1. manimlonely

    manimlonely Fapstronaut

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    Greetings.

    I've been experiencing extreme feelings for my ex. We have a very long story, we started dating when I was 16(she was 15), after a long strange friendship. We were together for half a year, I stopped fapping to porn before the real-couple relationship and for the first 4 months of it, then I started again, cause our feelings started to get worse and worse. We wanted to be together, but personally I thought, that I will one day do something bad to her emotionally, cheat on her or something more. I really loved her, but didn't want her to get hurt. All this relationship time and while we still were friends after the breakup(it was like nothing happened just no physical touch) I was like a some sort of a teacher, telling her how to react, what is normal what is not, it felt bad, I felt like she didn't have her own opinion, I was always trying to find her ego, her some sort of ambition, fire, that could put me down or just show that she has her opinion too on life. She was smart, she was so kind, never smoked or drank, was so connected to me, I couldn't tell if I would trust someone more than her when we were together...

    SOOO
    1. We got together right at the ending of musical school.
    2. I started going to her school(I'm 1 year older than her so I went to higher grade)
    3. I made a decision to break up at school, 3 years ago. Next day we didn't talk much, after that it all went like I said, almost with no changes...
    4.I stopped kind of meeting with her as much and helping her out after I started studying at uni and it came to a point, she still wanted to meet and I didn't. I made a decision. Offered her to stop communicating this July. She kind of agreed. Then tried to still do something with me, but then suddenly, blocked me and went doing her stuff. I told her that I want her to start living by herself. That she should start socializing and stuff...
    5.Whole summer I worked, had things in my head. Then, in September, I came back to uni, I suddenly out of nowhere saw her in my faculty, to be more precise, in the same fucking course as me... I mean, yeah, she is more of a math, physics, IT person, but man, to the same course??? fuck me sideways... At least she is 1 year younger. AND SOOO the whole university yada yada went on, we studied, I didn't talk to her or even say hi.

    Then all these life changes with nofap started, I always liked to fap to memories of her and our love life, from time to time. BUT MAN OH MAN, nofap made me fantasize each day, hardcore, about her body, I mean, she didn't even wear sexy clothes or something, I just started creating all these illusions which were WAY harder to control than usual social media pornification... After few weeks more, I started to think too much about her, talk about her, so I started bothering friends about all these questions, what should I do.

    We somehow meet in random places of our city and I just can't stop stupid thoughts each day when I see her. It just tilts me, love or hatred it is I don't know. Last day I met with her, saw her smoking, what is fucking stupid that she's doing, since she didn't love it when her pops was smoking(until we stopped communicating)... Went to her, had a strange chat for the second time after that 7 month pause... This night had such a fucking chaotic mind, hard feelings, couldn't sleep for 4 hours. I couldn't stop thinking about her, all changed, but still the same girl I once knew... I thought about her, about coming back to her, about not coming back to her and stopping communicating like we did before March...

    We will talk tomorrow somewhere in the city - she wrote me texts after all that time that she understands we can't be friends, but we should stop avoiding each other. I told her we should meet up and not, again, decide our relationship trough texts...

    I don't know anything, I'm feeling like she's changed, I don't know if she's not just holding the pain for this long or what, I don't know if she still loves me, but I'm feeling destroyed, straight up, destroyed. Probably because she went from saint to trashy casual girl...

    Guys, please, help, it's been such a long relationship, I really care for her, I really care for myself, but I can't let her go, I see her almost each day, my city is a small shithole where everyone knows everybody... What do I do, how should I think? I'm trying to stay with the " more girls, more experience what I'll need in life" logic
     
  2. xeon1993

    xeon1993 Fapstronaut

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    2 questions.
    1) Do you want to be with her? (I guess not as you said you desire quantity over quality?)
    2) Does she wants to be with you? (like for real, stalking you doesn't count)

    First question can be answered by yourself, second one only meeting in person. Believe, it won't get any easier if you two keep this awkward book between you two unfinished. You have to arrange time and place to talk.
     
    manimlonely likes this.
  3. Just because she smoked once doesn't mean she has become a trashy girl -_-

    Are you sure it wasn;t your behaviour that caused the breakup?
     
    xeon1993 likes this.
  4. manimlonely

    manimlonely Fapstronaut

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    It was my behavior.

    We talked about all the things yesterday, I asked her if we could try everything from the start, of course, she can say no at any time, if she starts to feel bad with me. I'm a kind of person that thinks about all the ways possible in a situation. I told her, that we can stop talking at all, like we did, until this March, we can start being friends again, we can try that or that but personally I couldn't decide. I just can't decide such things. When we were getting back home, in the bus, it felt, like I'm again friends with her and I'm, again, the same bad person to her I was back in the days. It's making me depressed. We haven't even done anything together yet, just talked and I'm already feeling deep pain for not supporting her.

    We decided to give it some time, we'll talk someday after one week, just do something, not exactly talk about all those things.
     
    xeon1993 likes this.
  5. xeon1993

    xeon1993 Fapstronaut

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    I am still confused. You asked if you two could start from very beginning. What was respond?
     
  6. manimlonely

    manimlonely Fapstronaut

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    She couldn't answer, she is up to it, that we start talking and sometimes meeting each other, but we both are not sure if we won't do the same friendship mistakes as we did in the past. We are scared of each other in a way. Our friendship had baaad habits, not like drugs,smoking or something, but just how we look at each other.. We both don't know how we could fix that.
     
    xeon1993 likes this.
  7. xeon1993

    xeon1993 Fapstronaut

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    Man. I know that feeling, but I will tell you that. The longer you two wait the harder it will get to bypass it. No matter what, talk when you two can. Don't leave it unfinished as the sorrow won't get away that way. If you both feel like it is getting unhealthy and you two find that it won't get you anywhere, choose to let her go and tell her to let you go. Being friends after all won't solve the root issue if you two both cannot let each other go, even if you know it have to be done. It will suck. But it will pass one day.

    If you still love her and she loves you - fight for your relationship...

    Do you still have feelings for her like romantic ones?
     
  8. manimlonely

    manimlonely Fapstronaut

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    I don't know about the romantic ones... All I think about now is that I can't love her as I did and if we stay as friends or keep ignoring each other at uni, I will go on a fucking rampage from envy when she gets the other half.

    I don't want her to envy me too. I'm not a womanizer, but I feel envy for all those that aren't virgins and are living sex life. I'm having this sick feeling of owning her, like it was my property...

    Before the big talk about our relationship with her, I was lost in this Alice's wonderland of my mind that I can't bear ignoring her, I can't stand her ignoring me, I fantasized about us together, but, of course, when I get a bit of that sweet cake, I lose my motivation to be with her. Just the moment I got some sort of approval from her...

    Jesus Christ, is it NoFap that is making me dig all these problems? I'm a miserable man, not a geologist after all. Why, why did I have to grow up with such pathetic attitude. Like, I know it's pathetic, but it feels impossible to change anything in me.
     
  9. xeon1993

    xeon1993 Fapstronaut

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    Sign that she attends so sudden at your Uni is indeed a huge sign that she really wants to be around you. Obsessed with you. Stalks on you. On the other hand, I don't know her - she might be one of those who will try to saw your soul so deep till you die from pain. Emotional vampires. Sucks your soul and leaves you empty.

    I tried to read all from beginning but I couldn't find anything about intimacy about life of you two. Did you get physical with her? Sex part?
     
  10. manimlonely

    manimlonely Fapstronaut

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    When we started dating like 3,5 years ago we had very long like 2-3 month lasting relationship of just meeting, doing something, like riding bikes and then we go on kissing, grabbing each other n shit, but we are both virgins, we weren't kind of ready for that, I really wanted to try it, but she kind of went "no" so I didn't force it. We haven't seen each other naked or sent that stuff to each other.

    Now I'm thinking, maybe it's just because I got woman parts into my face it made me think about her as more special etc.? I don't know, I really liked that stuff xd, but it doesn't feel like it was only that... Or was it, IDK?!What the hell man...
     
  11. xeon1993

    xeon1993 Fapstronaut

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    Oh I see now. She is emotionally attached to you and so are you. I wouldn't call it love though, more like lust and you are crushing on each other badly. And sounds like it is more like a attention game.

    Of couse, don't force sex but you have to admit that it is nothing alike real relationships between two what is happening at the moment. So tell her you want it (if you truly want). If she is just not ready - work for it - it will be worth it. Being each others first is deep if you mean something for other. If she generally doesn't wants to you be her first tell her to stop stalking you and move on and go for next. Otherwise it looks like you two are some kind of besties together aka friendzone.
     
    manimlonely likes this.
  12. manimlonely

    manimlonely Fapstronaut

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    I'll try giving it some time, I totally agree with the first part, but the second part is kind of off, since we haven't kind of been in a relationship for 3 years, I can't talk about it at all xd, thanks man, starting to think that I can actually somehow solve my mysteries
     
  13. xeon1993

    xeon1993 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck figuring it out, man!
     
    manimlonely likes this.
  14. manimlonely

    manimlonely Fapstronaut

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    Oh man Oh man, we got back, not like we are a couple, but we are giving it a shit ton of time to work out. We both want this to be great and we both want it to work out! I mean, if I still watched porn, I wouldn't care or be patient... This girl, she's making me believe again and have ambitions in life!
     
    xeon1993 likes this.
  15. xeon1993

    xeon1993 Fapstronaut

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    Awww.. that is cute. I am happy for you. I wish you both wonderful first experience together! :)
     

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