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288 days and going strong

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by bill evans fan, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. bill evans fan

    bill evans fan Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone. I wanted to share my progress with you all as this forum was critical to my success in beating my porn addiction. I now consider myself truly rebooted. I wanted to explain how I got here because some aspects of my journey were different to what I had read on here, and other aspects were similar. Of course, everyone is different, and I'm not suggesting other people adopt my methods, but... hopefully I can at least be another data point as you all continue your PMO-free journeys.

    A timeline:
    - first porn - brought into school by classmates when I was about 13.
    - first PMO, perhaps when I was 16-17ish? By this time I had a computer in my bedroom with the internet (I would never allow this for a teenager now. In retrospect people didn't know the dangers of the internet back then...)
    - PMO addiction started shortly afterwards, and was in full swing before I turned 18.
    - PMO continued through graduation, through marriage, through my career, through an advanced degree.
    - First realized I was actually addicted, and that this was a problem aged 22. During a month-long period of (mild?) depression I sought solace by browsing P for hours every day, and realized I couldn't stop myself.
    - Addiction continued until I found NoFap age 31.

    My first attempts at fixing the problem involved:
    - locking myself out of my computer
    - deleting my hoard of P
    - telling my wife

    Only the 3rd of these methods had any effect. (In general, sharing has been good for me.)

    My first big step came when I realized (years before I came to NoFap) that I had to remove the self-hatred that came directly after every PMO episode. I had to forgive myself, I had to be kind to myself, and realize that I wasn't entirely responsible for this addiction. After all, porn had been made available to me as a teenager before I had any idea what it could do to me.

    So once I knew I was addicted, I tried and failed many times at stopping PMO. It got the better of me, and I then resigned myself to a "channel the impulse" policy, where I

    - at least stay clear of anything which could harm me (e.g. violent images etc.)
    - have a controlled routine to do PMO for 5 minutes at a particular time each day

    OK, this was not a great policy. It was at least better than no policy, and better than surfing porn for hours daily (my old habit), but it slowly degenerated into worse and worse porn, and longer and longer sessions, before I would freak out or worry that I had been found out, and re-instate stricter measures.

    Then I found NoFap. When I realized that I wasn't alone, and saw how many people were going through the same thing, and saw the support in this community, I knew I had to try. I read up a lot and started my log.

    My new NoFap policy involved a few things that have nothing to do with PMO. It was a lot about cleansing my whole life, not just my internet. This became my "winning formula"

    - only one coffee a day
    - steer clear of booze
    - quit FB
    - every morning, write down intentions for the day (a "to-do" list)
    - walk at least 2 miles every day, rain or shine
    - whenever I feel an urge, write a journal on NoFap instead of doing PMO
    - read Thich Nhat Hanh books sometimes, as well as other mindfulness books
    - read less internet news, and subscribe to print news instead

    Also, I told my sister and a few friends. The support was great. Telling my story a few times definitely helped me, and it helped me make sense of everything. but I realize it's not for everyone.

    With my new resolution (Dec 2016) I managed 50 days straight away. Not too bad. But, then I relapsed and went back to daily "semi-controlled" PMO for a month, letting my old habits sway me. Then, I tried a second time, and am currently day 288 of no P.

    Now I know that a lot of people on here advocate no MO as well, and that's great, but it didn't happen all at once for me. I took P away, and MO stayed around for a while, but it got less and less. It went to 3x weekly, 2x weekly, 1x weekly, and now it's like 1x monthly. My sex drive in general has gone way way down. I don't really care about this, personally. I'm not particularly aiming for no sex or MO but it's going in that direction anyway.

    Here are some changes to my life from this habit, in no particular order:
    - more time in my day
    - I'm a lot more intentional about what I do with my life
    - I have less brain fog and I'm more in the moment
    - I'm healthier because of the walking and abstinence of alcohol
    - I see beautiful women as human beings and don't lech over them.
    - No seriously, I don't objectify women any more. It's really weird because the old me couldn't see a female jogger run past without triggering a whole pile of thoughts.
    - I have started a successful company and have made more money (don't know if this has anything to do with PMO but I think it's not unrelated)
    - I think I'm more emotionally intelligent having had to face my fears and forgive myself for wrong behavior.
    - I am not afraid of being alone at home access with the internet
    - I don't respond to triggers any more
    - I don't think about the possibility of doing PMO any more
    - I would say I'm probably happier and more confident
    - BUT I do have occasional bad dreams in which I relapse and feel guilty.

    OK, that's about it for a summary. I'll be back in a day or two to check and see if any questions come up.

    Finally, everyone, you have been a great help in your writing, in your sharing, and in your support. Couldn't have done it without this forum. Keep strong everyone, I totally didn't think I could do it. A couple of years ago, I 100% believed my addiction would stay with me for ever. But when I knew it was possible, and worked on my methods, it made a lot of difference. I believe you can do it too!
     
  2. zakes

    zakes Fapstronaut

    great article, your story is inspiring!
     
    HopeThisWorks111 likes this.
  3. TheFlash123

    TheFlash123 Fapstronaut

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    It's ana amazing success story so far. We're all going to defend enemy called P.
     
  4. YorkGO

    YorkGO Fapstronaut

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    great post, thank you!
     
  5. Like you pointed out, it's so important to replace the old habits with new, better ones like these you mentioned.

    I think we all can agree that P is the true evil here. If we didn't have P, we could probably have M and not suffer from the negative side effects PMO brings. However, some of us directly connect P and M, thus MO kind of reminds us of what we used to do and that makes NoFap difficult. I'm glad this has worked out for you.

    Congrats on your streak.
     
    Boxer477 likes this.
  6. bill evans fan

    bill evans fan Fapstronaut

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    Thanks folks for the appreciation. Good luck on continuing your streak.
     
  7. Tremendous. Thank you for sharing your experience! I'm feeling pretty raw from a stretch of relapses going back thirty days or so; reading your post has helped me to regain a measure of focus and of hope.
     
  8. Arc12

    Arc12 Fapstronaut

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    Interested in how you are able to hold the urges when they hit hard ...
    Very interested to know about how you created a company ... Steps we can take to which will help us follow a similar path... Community we can join to get some help...
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. dwalk77

    dwalk77 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing @bill evans fan . Man, that is awesome, I really want to get there. I've seen flashes of what you're talking about, but have not been able to get past 81 days

    It seems like what may have had the biggest initial effect for you to get some momentum going was sharing with your wife, correct? I notice that as a common theme on here, that many of the men motivated to stop are married. I guess a question I have is would you have approached things any differently if you were single? Me being single, I imagine I have a lot more free time than you, and may feel less of a motivation to stop, especially when in high-temptation situations. Thanks for any advice you can give
     
  10. zakes

    zakes Fapstronaut

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    Congrats on a massive milestone, well done!
     
  11. bill evans fan

    bill evans fan Fapstronaut

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    As for holding the urges, I couldn't do it at first, but like I mentioned above I was still able to get rid of P but keep MO on a reduced schedule, so to some extent I channeled the urge, but thankfully slowly it decreased. I think it partly decreased because I went out of my way to make MO a extremely short and ungratifying experience. I wasn't going to let it be something I looked forward to.

    I think although once I had the urge it was hard to resist, by planning my day ahead of time, and being intentional about what I would get done, and having a plan in place, it made it less likely for me to be in trouble. Spotting the danger zones ahead of time was useful (alone? at home? bored? procrastinating?) and having a plan (for me, go for a long walk, go to the library, post on the forum about my intentions) was very useful.

    As for starting a company, I quit my previous job which was comfortable but not making me happy. I learned a lot from scratch, but I had a runway from savings to help me. I got a lot of help from asking people who had already done what I had done, I basically reached out to a lot of people who were doing what I wanted to do, had coffee with them, and learned how they got there. People are often happy to share experiences. It was scary as hell though, and took way longer than I imagined to become profitable. I recommend Mr Money Mustache as a good blog to seek money and entrepreneurship advice. Hope this helps give some insight.
     
    Deleted Account and Arc12 like this.
  12. bill evans fan

    bill evans fan Fapstronaut

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    Hey, dwalk77, thanks for the question. Sharing was a massive moment for sure. Not just with my wife too but also with a couple other family members and a couple friends (all in 1:1 conversations on different occasions).

    At an early time in trying to deal with it, I asked my wife to hold me accountable, i.e. ask me 'did you do it today' and I gave her the p/w to the computers so I could lock myself out. But this approach did NOT work. It did not help, and I wouldn't particularly recommend it. Why? It was a way of transferring the responsibility from myself to someone else to deal with it, and didn't get to the heart of the problem.

    The heart of the problem (at least my problem) was being unable to handle my emotions. Basically for me this was being bored or feeling a lack of meaning in life, or unhappy with myself or how things were going. Feelings rise up, and it's all too easy to "drown your sorrow" in P. But we all know that this doesn't make things better even for a moment.

    As for free time. I doubt we have hugely different amounts of free time (perhaps). I had a lot of free time, and a lot of alone time. Being self-employed, there's a lot of me alone with a computer to deal with. And I don't have a huge social life or get out all that much.

    I think that having emotional support, whether from a wife, friend, or sibling, is huge. Someone to talk to. That's definitely been helpful for me. I don't think it has to be a wife, however.

    At the end of the day, the effort and discipline had to come from me, and I had to want it for myself, so I think that although it definitely helps to be in a stable loving relationship, it's not a deal-breaker. You're right to think about motivation. I think for me, the best motivation I can have is the vision of myself in the future, fulfilling my potential and being the best I can be.

    I'd also say that being single could actually help matters, because for me sex was really not a useful thing. Unlike many on this forum, for me, it wasn't a good motivating factor, especially early on the PMO reboot journey. I just wished I didn't ever have to think about it.

    Sorry these are some random thoughts, not particularly well expressed. But I hope they show that overall, I wouldn't say that being married has been that influential in my ability to stop PMO. It played a part, but not in a way that couldn't be replaced by friends/family. Good luck on your journey!!
     
    romlel likes this.
  13. bill evans fan

    bill evans fan Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, zakes! I wish you strength on your journey.
     
  14. Arc12

    Arc12 Fapstronaut

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    I also am in a similar path, I had quit a comfortable job, but I have reached a money shortage point. I am not finding much of the people who can help me. Will keep trying. Thanks for suggestions, hope you keep rising. All the best for other endeavours.
     
    Deleted Account and Mayhem_8116 like this.
  15. Much Ado About Nutting

    Much Ado About Nutting Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for letting me know freedom is possible. That it is possible to beat the addiction and move on. Ur an inspiration
     
  16. immanuel.iitd

    immanuel.iitd Fapstronaut

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    Amazing ! Thanks for your inspriation
     
  17. congrats for ur success man..
     
  18. i am myself currently on d8
     
  19. theoptimist

    theoptimist Fapstronaut

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    You are a Hero, that's the least that i can say
     
  20. inaz

    inaz Fapstronaut

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    Very inspiring @bill evans fan, I'm new to nofap and it's always great to read stories of veterans, it gives us hope, motivation and strenght to keep on.
    From your nickname, are you a pianist/musician? I am a pianist myself, and I was wondering if no PM (or no P or no PMO) influences your playing in any sort of ways...
     

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