Here we go again SOs, should the addict disclose his addiction or hide it?

I have no idea what he’s even saying. I’m sorry. I wanted to not argue or bicker with him anymore. I want to have productive helpful conversations with others on here. And I have stopped responding to him so I’m not sure what else to do. I am open to suggestions.

 

Or he could just hit the ignore button and not look at my posts anymore? I don’t understand why my opinion is so important to him.

 

No dude I am not saying you don’t belong here, or that I don’t welcome your posts. I am saying I have no freaking clue what you are saying. I understand you took offense to something I said, but I don’t know why. Your points are not being ignored, no one understands what you are trying to say. Can you keep it simple? Just very basic. I won’t take offense. I want to understand what you are saying, but its like you are using lots of words, but not really saying anything. I asked others to explain or if maybe it was just me, and no one can. So lets try this?
1. What is your opinion on when someone should disclose that they are a porn addict currently or in the past? By when I mean at what point in time?
2. Do you think it is dishonest if an addict does not reveal to his or her partner that they are an addict? Why or why not?
3. If you are not saying you are avoiding telling, what are you saying? What is your opinion?
I just need you to keep it simple.

 

Thanks for explaining
1. I am glad you would disclose early. But the part about the person having a desire to know is what trips me up. How would you know if she does? Many women may not know to ask about porn addiction as they are not familiar with it? I agree as early as there is romantic involvement. Basically the purpose of us SOs that adovocate for early disclosure is so the other person knows what they are getting into and can make their own choices. When you omit something like this the majority of SOs feel duped, betrayed and trapped, and you will see Comments like this over and over again on here. It’s the MAY that I disagree with. That should be a MUST. And yes that is my opinion and that of the majority of the SOs you will encounter. It does not matter what contextual description or context you give me my opinion would not change be 100% honest upfront about everything.
2. Okay if it’s dishonest then you MUST reveal not may. Otherwise you are dishonest, if I read what you are saying. It sort of like if I eat a meal that I know is super fattening with tons of sugar and calories. I made that choice I live with the consequences. But on the flip side if I eat a meal where the box says diet, and lists very low calorie content, and then find out that actually it had just as much fat and calories of the super fattening one I am going to feel pissed off.
3. Once you are longer into recovery I am hopeful you will remove the may and replace it with a must.

 

Oh really? Why don’t you mansplain to me a little more about how I as a women, or the other women who have expressed the same on this post, really feel? Because certainly you as a man know better than I do about my feelings right? SMH. DO all women like vunerable men of course not, but many do. Women tell you what they want you just don’t listen, and so you end up thinking they don’t want what they say just like you did right here to me. Woman says “I need emotional support, intimacy vunerable,” man says don’t be ridiculous that’s not what you really want, you really want me to more more masculine and strong, so he acts more masculine and strong, and she leaves. He’s confused. Please listen to a woman when she tells you what she wants, not input your own thoughts for hers, its dismissive and disrespectful. And no you cannot say you are stating a fact. How could you possible know for fact what I feel if you are not in my body or mind, or other women how they feel. Feelings are not about fact.

 

You do realize that what happens in the movie is in no way reflective of what happens in real life right? Just like porn is not reflective of how normal people have sex, how normal men or women’s bodies look,or what women want in bed? Please do not judge real life based on fiction. Have you ever watched a Hallmark movie? Check one out, and then imagine that I a woman based my real life expectations on what happens there. Then switch over to Lifetime and watch one there. Movies portray fantasy. One of the worst plot lines that mislead men is women who have been friends with a man for years, and suddenly fall in love with him. That maybe happens once in 100K times in real life. As far as you friends, they told you why THEY thought the woman left them, but did you ever stop to think that’s not actually why the woman left them? The reality is that everyone telling a story skews it to make themselves to look better. We all see things from our own lenses, and it changes the way we see them. Often a woman will tell a man the exact reason she is leaving and in his mind she left for another reason. Like you never spend time with me, you treat me poorly, you don’t listen when I talk, I don’t feel any intimacy and the man says to his friends “Oh she left me because I am not aggressive or dominant enough.” If you were not in the relationship you cannot come to the conclusion that’s the reason she left just because her new man is more dominant and self assured. Maybe he is also vunerable and kind? You obviously from the outside looking in would not know that.

Are there people that say they want one thing, and really want another, sure but its equally on both sides, no more women then men. It’s not usually a sinister motive though. Often times they have a preconceived notion of what they want (maybe from movies or TV), but once you get it you realize oh heck no I was wrong. So goes the saying, be careful what you wish for. But these people usually don’t repeat those mistakes once they figure out that’s not what you want. And sometimes you don’t truly realize the negative qualities that go along with he positive ones you seek. Two examples, first men. Many men say they want a woman who needs them, whom they can provide and care for. So they get one, but then complain they are being used for money, or that the woman is a gold digger, and does not have a job? Or the men that say sure I want a successful woman, I will stay home with the kids I have no problem if she outearns me. But when they get that find that they feel nothing but insecure and less that. Or women who say they want a “traditional man” one who provides, takes the lead, is masculine, type a and successful, then she gets that man, who also orders her around, disrespects her wishes, and expects dinner on the table at 5:00 every night.

Judging what either gender wants or needs without seeing each individual you date on an individual basis is problemsome. Because you don’t listen to what they have to say. YOu believe your perceived notion of what you see on TV.