1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Here we go again SOs, should the addict disclose his addiction or hide it?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GG2002, Mar 16, 2018.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    I feel the same as you about animals love them could not date someone who did not or was allergic. I think that the amount of time addicts spend trying to justify not telling and when to tell etc in itself says something. Honesty is not that complicated. We all have a right to our boundaries. And it does not make us “judgmental.” Example I fully support legalization of weed but I don’t want a partner who smokes it or has it in my home. Just tell fully and tell early.
     
  2. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

    40
    13
    8
    All good points. My male friends don't high-five me that I use porn though. I have hung around a lot of Christian circles in my life, and there, it's all "guys are bad for using porn, women are fine because they don't use porn".
     
  3. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

    40
    13
    8
    And, once again, I would tell @GG2002 that NoFap has MANY SOs who say PMO addiction would have been a dealbreaker for them had they known about it at the beginning, but are now sticking with their PA partner! So the NoFap community itself proves @GG2002 is incorrect. She would like it to be her way, but it isn't, and THIS IS WHY many PAs don't disclose early on, because they see all the guys who keep their SO later on after revealing.
     
  4. Seriously dude, this obsessive attack on one member that you don't agree with is making you look a bit nuts.
     
  5. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    Thank you for owning your perception, at least in terms of an I statement without specifically addressing a particular point. I'd like to have a conversation where what I said is taken into consideration, from here I don't see that happening Guess what, that doesn't feel good. But it's your thread and your stream of consciousness and interpretation, you are entitled to it and are free to post this kind of stuff, that doesn't make it true or accurate. You and everyone liking your post have probably made up your mind and I don't think anything I say will make a difference. I'm willing to have a real discussion if anyone wants to point to specifics without resorting to this kind of one sided generalized belief about a person.
     
  6. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    By the way, why is it assumed to be okay to talk about people in terms of a psychological assessment when they didn't ask you, and the topic is just about, well, the topic instead of being personal without so much as pointing to a single specific thing for the unsolicited assessment? I appreciate the free psychanalysis even without qualifying for the qualifications of the person but even the best professionals need more to go on don't they?

    Of course, it could just be about people being in reaction to anything that remotely looks like dishonesty or lack of disclosure and everything else written is just ignored. That's not seeing the person.
     
  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    Thanks.
     
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    If it’s your opinion that failing to reveal your addiction early is the best course of action and that your partner will not consider it dishonesty then go for it. The comments on this thread my thread is asking women who have been through this scenario or something similar how they feel or felt. I think the best information you can get is to talk to women the have experienced this. But if you disagree then by all means do what you think works best for you. And if it works please come back here and tell us about it. Truly I’d love to hear stories where a man knew he was a pmo addict, failed to reveal it until she was involved and she did not consider this lying or dishonesty and was perfectly fine with it not hurt at all. That was actually my challenge at the start of this post. So when you get out there and meet her let us all know! Thanks.
     
  9. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    That's not my opinion and has nothing to do with the part you quoted. It is of course not on topic but since you saw fit to assess me rather than talk about the *subject* I figured I might have a right to respond. How would you like it if I said "I see you x y and z" while pointing out nothing but represent my opinion of you as practically unquestionable fact? If it's off track it's not just me.

    You don't need a opinion of me to talk about the subject. Basing the discussion on what is said rather than an image you have formed and projected might be a good idea!
     
  10. Seconded. In fact, it's such an important topic that I just started a similar thread because I didn't want to hijack this one. We're having a disclosure problem right now and I'm asking for advice. I'm looking forward to yours and the other SO's opinions. Those with experience as a partner impacted by the PAs addiction and worst still, the relentless lying. If I want an opinion on it, I'll buy a third-rate, tabloid newspaper.

    Thank you for your contribution, GG X
     
    Jennica and GG2002 like this.
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    Dude I’m sorry but do you purposely write in hyperbole to not make any sense? Can you say what you mean or are referring to in clear English in say one sentence? Maybe it’s just me not I feel like I am searching to find what you are actually saying. Ladies does anybody understand what he’s saying?
     
    Healingtakestime and Numb like this.
  12. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    I volunteered to leave a while back indicating I recognize that I recognize this is in the support section, but there was a reply saying it's fine and on topic. But then I see my points pretty much ignored and reply of "I think you are avoiding telling" which is not what I was saying, but I don't think you all care. I see it as support only and wanted to respect that, but what I got is an opinion about me personally, I'm not the one with an opinion here, I only pointed out certain things and spoke under the mistaken idea it's an open discussion.
     
  13. I'm not against disclosing ones P addiction right in the beginning since I think that's the right thing to do, especially if they've just recently started recovery. Yet what I struggle with is how long are we suppose to carry this scarlet letter? At what point can someone no longer refer to themselves as a PA? After 5 years of sobriety? 10 years? Never?
     
  14. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    I'll disclose everything in the beginning, seriously, but I suspect it's just human nature for most of it to be ignored.

    I will start talking about it openly at in person, face to face recovery meetings - not even SLAA, general ones. If that isn't clear enough let me just say I'm willing to give up all chance of dating anyone to be of service, just for the chance someone there knows they're not alone and to support the recovery group. Anyone is free to believe it or not and characterize it some other way, it should be amusing to see how that gets misread.
     
  15. Sorry, can't offer much insight there. It's like someone's changed the channel...

    Best of luck with your quest for successful translation X
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,738
    3,865
    143
    I think that is subjective and something to be determined on an individual basis.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  17. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

    40
    13
    8
    TinaK, I only respond to what she writes. Take a look! If she keeps knocking me, I respond. If she stops, I stop. (Seriously, look back and you'll see I only respond when she writes something. Go ahead, take a look, all the posts are there to see.)
     
  18. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,738
    3,865
    143
    She has blocked you so she is not responding to you anymore. Block her back and get over it. The horse is dead, stop beating it.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Jennica like this.
  19. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

    40
    13
    8
    But you're wrong - she responds to other people's response to me. She keeps attacking me indirectly. I'm no fool - it's clear to see. Like I said, if she stops, I will stop.
     
  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    I agree with what @EyesWideOpen said it’s up to each individual how they feel but the problem you bump up against is you don’t know what your partner thinks on the subject and if you don’t reveal or reveal too late you risk that for her it’s a deal breaker and she leaves or she now sees you as dishonest because she thinks you should have told her and you did not. For example personally if someone was a heroin addict no matter how long ago I want to know that early on. And I know PMO addiction is different in some people’s eyes but most drug addicts and alcoholics I know see themselves as always addicts just in recovery or not because it’s a daily battle for them. I am also going to flat out ask any partner about an addiction specifically a porn addiction prior to getting serious and porn use so I’m not sure I can truly answer that. And yes if I asked and he said no and he was say 10 years ago that would be a lie to me and I would leave.

    The bottom line is you need the share with someone any part of your past that could potentially affect their future or change their mind about dating you. If you don’t you are walking a thin line. Addicts relapse. Porn addicts relapse even with the best intentions and yes sometimes that happens after years of sobriety. And again you don’t know what that person may think you should have told so just tell. No matter how long ago. The worst that can happen is you get rejected and truly you don’t want to be with someone that would reject you for who you are and part of who you are is an addict. And don’t see it as a badge of shame once see it as a badge of honesty and perseverance. The pmo addicts that I see on here that do successfully date and enter into healthy relationships are the ones that ditch the shame and own their past without a second thought. They say this is me take it or leave it. Actually I think for many that’s the last step in recovery self acceptance and self love. If you don’t love you all of you no one else can. They will try but you won’t allow it. Accept, forgive and be honest with yourself she others.
     

Share This Page