Intimacy Anorexia

It’s interesting and a new slant on things to me.

Have wondered about what attracts and develops two together as a couple. There are strengths and weaknesses in these.

I recall in college, a student psychology service group talked about couple dynamics so one could be listening pair of ‘Ears’ to fellow struggling or even suicidal students.

Your question is reminiscent, but more developed than that.

 

I have that thought about my SO and wonder

• what I may have encouraged in her by my neglect.
• We are together and perhaps have an ‘interesting’ dynamic.

I am learning that I am powerless to control the PA in me. Now am more available to be present with her.

I hope the SO’s here can look at themselves lovingly, too, and find their ‘flaws’ which are probably, with small shifts, become a strength for themselves.

(Edit: the more I learn, the more I see a need to shift my thinking and allow changes in my actions and thoughts.)

 

I wonder if us SOs can become intimate anorexic because of all the lies....

 

I think my husband and I both have some of these qualities. Not so much anymore after all this PA stuff has come up, but definitely before. I think I may have even had more than him, which is surprising to me.

 

I did after He had cheated, especially while he tried to hide it from me. Some similarities through the 4 years I think mostly from the mistrust.

 

I sometimes wonder how you couldn't. It would seem like a number of those bullet points would be completely realistic directions for someone to go. Not helpful, but realistic.

During my worst time, my SO asked me if I was ever going to get better (re: lies, behavior). She suggested that if not, she would just 'shut it down' so to speak. I'm pretty sure that she meant multiple doors (intimacy, sex, maybe even love). She didn't want to divorce me, but she didn't want to hold to hope if there was none. But she certainly expressed the feeling of #11 - just being a roommate.

I'm grateful for where we are now. That was difficult for both of us.

 

You refer to step 2 and 3. The addict accepts that they’re powerless but that God or their Higher Power has the means/grace to help them not act out.

 

Weiss limits intimacy anorexics to sex addicts. I think sex addiction has nothing to do with it and that this is issue is far broader than what he limits it to. There are many "intimacy anorexics", as he calls them, that are not even close to being sex addicts.

 

Not necessarily. I think there is a much larger population that is affected by this and it isn't necessarily just sexual partners. In particular I'm thinking of my step-dad, as I mentioned in your journal the other day. He fits every single one of those categories listed both with his ex-wife and his soon to be ex-wife, my mom. But all of the non sexual categories fit how he interacted with everyone else in his life also - me, his real daughter, our kids, his co-workers, even his friends...but many of his friends didn't see it because he is an expert liar and had them snowed like you wouldn't believe, because they didn't see him all the time. And he had no sex addiction.

But my personal experience has made me reflect on other people I've known with similar personalities that expands well beyond their sexual partners. It's a very interesting idea to explore - that this is much more than about sex and intimacy. It also makes me wonder where Weiss gets his hypothesis from.

 

Me and my SO have struggled with his old habits' for quite a few years now. We have had a few talks and things have improved but he still suffers from DE and reverts to his right hand.
I recently wrote him a letter to tell him of my own reboot (just from M) and how it had benefited me. I also told him I desperately wanted to help him and satisfy him. I listed all the benefits for men of nofap. I included a printed copy of a post on here 'how I cured my Pied' with the 120 day reboot (30 days hard mode).

It took him FIVE WEEKS to get round to reading it! Even then I had to ask him several times to read it.
Over a week ago he told me he had read it. He still won't talk to me about it. I always need Dutch courage to have the guts to bring up the subject - he always refuses after a drink. I believe this is because he might let things slip and tell me the truth.
I recently texted him to talk to me and he just completely ignores my texts time and time again.
We had a row this weekend because he is behind on bills money and I asked when it was coming and he flipped - telling ME to kiss his ass!
He absolutely refuses to talk to me. Says I've made him angry ( I presume because I enjoyed the attentions of another man on holiday after he told me my advances were bullying and pestering him!)
What the he'l does he expect??
I'm rejected in favour of his right hand time and time again. Sex seems like a duty like giving me a lift or doing the washing up. Offers himself up like a human dildo to 'let me have my fun' as he puts it.
Of course I'm going to enjoy feeling wanted and desired!! What on earth does he expect when I feel so unwanted in our physical relationship??
Doesn't he realise he's been having an affair with his right hand for years and years!!

 

I think a big part of what draws people to recovery meetings is the intimacy found through the disclosure, even if it's a little in a general way - but certainly more so when someone with long term recovery speaks and discloses very intimate details that people normally just do not talk about. It's real, and we don't have a culture that wants to get real about the skelletons in our closet.

I strongly feel we cannot limit psychological, emotional and spiritual intimacy to one special person in our lives or only look for it there, the healthy thing would be to have a community where that is the norm. The only place I know where that's socially acceptable is recovery communities, and even then the shares may be fairly general or even more about praising the system/program rather than a share from the heart, but we know that's what's going to draw people together. So I think every bit of genuine authentic sharing is an act of courage that contributes to such an environment and therefore a service to people who are wounded, to break the silence and show that it is possible to relate this way.