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Afraid to heal?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by SpouseofPA, Mar 6, 2018.

  1. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    Has anyone else ever been afraid to heal?
    i mean i am more scared to feel these feelings and deal with them, than i am to simply put them in a box and stack in a pile.
    what if the help doesn't work? what if he continues to lie?
    what if, what if what if. i know i cant think in what ifs but its hard not to.
    i am finally talking to a counselor once a week via zoom, this week will be third time. but unless a therapist fit my schedule perfect i don't think i will seek other help yet. i am not sure i can handle the stress from therapy, i feel like OMG i am going to therapy i gotta feel better why dont i feel better..... ya know?
    has anyone else been afraid of it?
    or maybe i am alone in this one. haha
     
    21yearsin and Jagliana like this.
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    You are most definitely NOT alone. I've been afraid to heal, process or just confront my own TRUE thoughts and feelings, for well over a decade. It's difficult, it hurts and unfortunately, it is uncontrollable - the mind goes; where the mind will go sometimes. PA's have triggers that cause them to dive into the PM... us? we have triggers, signs coming from EVERYWHERE and it could hit at any point. Maybe a tv show plot where a husband cheats: BAM TRIGGER, a beautiful woman on the street that you know your PA would usually look at: TRIGGER, just sitting drinking coffee, wondering if maybe he is hiding something again? TRIGGER. Two nights ago, I decided to bite the bullet and finally push my pain to the forefront, here on NoFap and I knew my PA could read it too and it might hurt him. I fought with my inner instincts the whole time (of keeping it all bottled up inside) constantly cutting/pasting, posting/deleting until I just finally left it out there, I was truly exposed and right now, I feel a hell of a lot better. You can read it here (if you are interested) DAY 34.
     
    SpouseofPA, Jennica and 21yearsin like this.
  3. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    You're definitly not alone. I am scared to death, but I have to have hope and faith that he can recover and for me, that's saying a lot. I've been lied to for years and years and years, but I am seeing some positive changes and that gives me hope. Am I ready to break my wall down? Hell no, and it's going to be a long time before I do. I know that and he knows that.
    what if's happen all the time but I don't dwell on them anymore because the only one that can control him is him.
     
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Exactly!
     
    SpouseofPA likes this.
  5. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    i feel Bleh inside when i think about hope and stuff. like im emotionally flat. im not even sure what this feeling means. i want to have some hope in him or positivity towards him. but i am also afraid that hell hurt me again (emotionally).
    how did you over come that fear?
    @Jagliana @21yearsin ?
     
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I have never been able to overcome it. That fear is still within me, I don't think it is something that any of us will ever be able to shake. We've been compromised, we've been put in this position so many times, that we start to question EVERYTHING, all the time. Now, I will say this: since he has started his NoFap recovery a little over a month ago, he's been taking initiative/action WITHOUT me telling him to - things feel different, this time. We've been so in tune [conection wise] because of our nightly talks and for the fact that for once in his life, he is actually being really honest with me. Last night he unloaded so many truth's/confessions, that I am still shell-shocked as I type this, but HE told me something that he could have continued to hide because there was little to no possible way I would have ever found out. I see that he is finally, after 12 years - motivated, TRYING, putting in the effort in to change; not just to make me shut up but because he realizes just how bad his addiction was. THAT makes it a little easier for me to think, he will prefer to be honest with me from now on. However, there are thoughts and triggers that will still pop into my head and make me wonder "what if", unfortunately, I don't think that will ever go away.
     
  7. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    I haven't and not sure I ever will
     
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  8. I think there's a certain amount of fear in healing because, in the back of your mind, you know that healing will also have to include rebuilding trust in them, and we know that when we trusted them, they hurt us deeply. It is so hard to let go of that fear because having fear serves as a protector (as weird as it seems). As long as we're fearful, they can't catch us completely off guard and blind-side us again.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2018
  9. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I've been thinking about this very thing lately. I am terrified to heal. It is over two months since our last DDay and I still have that knot of anxiety in my chest. Everyday it is the first thing I think of when I wake up, and it is there all day. I am getting better of not letting it consume me, but it is there. Always there. And I am afraid of letting it go. We've gone through this every few years for 15 fucking years. This time is different, I was ready to walk. And he is putting in effort, talking with me, opening up. But even with all these changes I am afraid to believe it. I know it is to protect myself, but it sucks so much. Sometimes I feel like I am broken beyond repair. Time, all I can do is give it time.
     
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  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    It's so depressing that this is what our marriages/men that we love - have done to us. That's what hurts the most.
     
    SpouseofPA, 21yearsin and Numb like this.
  11. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    i just wish i had something. just one thing that i knew i could hold as truth and believed. it doesn't have to be something huge, just big enough to go wow that was real. that was truth, that was raw. once i have that, i hope that i could take a step forward.
    i had that once, we had a 10 second or so moment it was just a hug, but it felt real, raw, true, honest, like old times.
    and then i learned his whole previous recovery was a lie. so its hard to hold on to that moment.
    i just need something.

    i despretly want to move forward, trust, forgive, etc. but i am so scared to get hurt.
    and healing requires getting out of my comfort zone. i really want to get better.but thats a leap of faith im not sure i can handle.

    how do you conquer that fear?
     
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  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    That just happened to me, two nights ago. Now, I know it's real but I'm also, personally devastated. It's a crazy place to be stuck.
     
  13. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    I know That feeling I am so afraid to leave my comfort zone and I'm not ready.
     
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  14. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Partly time. I'm finding things a bit easier as time goes by. Though I still have that fear daily, more often than not. I do believe him, but I don't trust him. Trust will take a very long time to rebuild, I have no doubt of that. And longer because he has lied after this last DDay, non PMO related, but still. Even the smallest lie or omission hurts the healing. Forgive? I don't know if I will ever forgive, but that will not stop me from moving forward and healing. I use to think I needed to forgive, that is what I was told. I don't see forgiving as important for my healing. And maybe one day it will come, but I am not focused on it right now.
     
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  15. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    BAM! thats what i feel to.
    i believe the things he is saying but i don't trust it.
    and i i hate it.
    as far as forgiveness goes, i am more wanting to forgive to the point that i understand his side, why he did it, why he lied, its more a forgiveness to satisfy myself, not him. i am not sure ill even tell him i forgive him if and when i do.
    i think i may start a journal about the times he was being honest. that way i have a reference point of his behavior now. maybe it'll help me acknowledge if he is worthy of sliver of trust.
     
  16. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    Yup....very afraid to heal. My SO has been doing great, going to therapy, taking all the right steps, seven months PMO free. Last week he proposed and I felt like crap because he was SO SO SO HAPPY...and all I could think was “when will he hurt me again?” I cried three days straight. Instead of being overjoyed at our progress I’m scared to marry him.

    :(
     
  17. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    I know the fear never leaves. 5 years free and it was still a fear. And it did come back. The fear is terrible and I hate having a relationship where the primary feeling I have is fear. Each Day is worse than the last, each one takes more time to recover, each time I am more of a shell of the person I used to be. But I also know that the feeling of fear gradually decreases over time and other feelings increase over time. Leaving doesnt really feel like an option for me, even though reading this words I am writing it sounds ridiculous. I just love too many other things about him. He is a wonderful guy. I also feel like, whether or not I trust him, it still hurts the same amount. Not being 100 percent sure he is telling the truth didn't make it any easier. I was still just as hurt by what he did and that he lied.
     

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