My Maze Of Recovery

Ok, so I’m going to start a public journal and put it all out there

I don’t know how often I will write in here but I am going to try to make it a routine.

IF MY POST SPECIFIES "THIS IS JUST A RANT" or "IM JUST WHINING"
Then at those times please don’t whine or comment mean things about it. I sometimes need a place to go to whine and rant. Thanks (that isn't the case now but i am just throwing that out there)

OK So........Where to start

I have a private journal as well. So I may take some of the items I have posted there and bring them here.
Ok So My husband @Batboy123 is a PA

We have been together for 8yrs, married almost 4 now.

When we first met, it was not love at first sight for me. I actually wasn't attracted to him. But he was so sweet and persistent.
EVERYONE said, you like him don’t you? I said no why? They would always say because you smile every time you talk about him
After denying this for a long time and denying that I liked him………I realized I DO!

At that point I knew he was going on dates with other girls which didn't bother me until I decided he was mine

Long story short, we became an item and it was off to the races from there. I fell so hard for him. He was PERFECT! He told me stuff, remembered things, MADE ME THINK I WAS HOT SHIT! He was my prince. I would question if he was really this person every now and then but it never seemed to end.
He was amazing.

I did ask him if he looked at porn, what kind, how often etc? When we first met. He lied and said never. I said ya sure ok…. I knew it was a lie, I just didn’t push it. I even told him that I have looked at porn and that it was ok he could tell the truth I’m sure nothing he has looked at would scare me away. But he kept up with the lie so I didn’t push.

Then after about 2yrs it was like a light switch flipped and he changed. He stopped telling me things, stopped remember things, Stopped looking at me the same way. And I didn’t know why. I asked him if I did something wrong, and he’d say I was bossy and other stuff. Years later we would discover because of research I did that some of this “bossiness” was related to my ADHD. Actually id come to learn that, I was WAY more affected by my ADHD then I ever thought. This contributed to why I had a hard time in relationships.

Anyway, He would blame me for everything wrong with us. Even complain to friends and family about our issues before talking to ME! But I believed him, I figured it was all my fault and because of that I was going to try to fix it.

Throughout the 1st year and the next 1-2yrs our relationship went from GREAT to me trying to repair it. I tried everything I could to “spice it up in the bedroom”. Nothing seemed to work. He didn’t want me anymore. Not like before. He seemed immature and bored. Then shortly after I choose to wait and accepted that maybe he simply had to grow up and mature …. we started to get serious about marriage. I know I wanted to be with him forever. In 2012 he planned to propose. He also broke my heart that year. 2wks before he proposed he got cold feet and said he wanted to end it.

We had some fight (or that’s what he told me) and he got cold feet from it. By the end of ‘that night’ he said he wasn’t sure why he did that, and asked if we could still be together.

I said yes of course. But my world was flipped. I thought he was going to propose that night. And instead he tried to end it. 2wks later in front of my family, he proposed. It’s all a blur, it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I guess I was numb during it. I said yes, and figured ok I got awhile to repair us before the wedding.

A lot of time and effort went into planning the wedding so our feelings ended up getting put to the side for a bit. 1yrs before the wedding and for the next few years after, I tried my damnedest to connect on a deeper level. We did things he loves, started doing puzzles together, I tried cuddling more, I helped out more, I bought him gifts, I tried to treat him as good as he treated me in the beginning.
I thought things were slowly getting better. I thought we were connecting on a deeper level then just sex. (S for me got complicated because I have a medical problem, so sometimes the mind maybe willing but the body isn’t.)
So this deeper connection means a lot to me. I lost weight for the wedding and got in better shaped; I LOOKED GOOD! I FELT GOOD.

Then I got sick about 3 years ago; 1 year after the wedding.
I broke a rib and found out I have a lung disease and had to have lung surgery. After that I had to take a medication that caused me to gain 80# in 1 month, lose my sex drive and screwed with my hormones. All the while I am on massive doses of painkillers. I was devastated. I still am. I feel like the skinny sexy women I was, but when I look in mirror, that’s not what I see. I see someone covered in stretch marks, super wrinkly now, with saggy skin. I think I look like a burn victim. I have lost MAJORITY of the weight, and my hormones are almost completely back to normal, but during that time, I thought my husband was being good and respectful and understanding. I couldn’t believe I had such a wonderful man. It shocked me. I am pointing this out because that’s what I have thought, up until dday.

All throughout our relationship, I would sometimes find him asleep on couch with “Late night movie channels” on the TV. I’d think OMG thank goodness he’s asleep lol. Probably stayed up watching Star Wars or something. (Or he’d have evidence) to prove he probably did something, but id blow it off and assume he did it to me or something.

It wasn’t until he sprung a divorce on me, which was 2 ½ years ago, that shit hit the fan. (He simply sprung this on me with no warning, no evidence that things had been bad) We chose to stay together and work it out. He decided that it was an impulse decision and stupid of him.

After that, he started lying about dumb shit. And finally he got caught in a lie about a deleted text (just one to a family member nothing bad). I told him he better not have any more lies I can’t take it anymore.

And then I received this text

“I’ve never had an affair ok, but I’ve looked at porn”

I was at work. The date was 9/11

My first reaction was OK? I knew you have you finally confessed to the magazines….. I had to continue for the next few days to drag information out of him. I thought I was finally coming up with a timeline, when it turned out it was a lie, and I would learn in 120days that EVERYTHING, including his first 120days in recovery WAS A LIE!

He even lied about my birthday this year

For those of you that don’t know already my husband has a problem with lying and ogling women the most. He objectifies everyone, including me. He fantasizes about women all the time and has crazy flashbacks. He has used P since high school but ogled his whole life, his father taught him how.

For the last 27days he says he has been 100% as honest as he can be… meaning he can’t remember any lies. Except the one night my face reminded him of the girl at work that he used to fantasize about and M too. He didn’t tell me until the next day because I dragged it out of him. I knew something was off. So I pushed and finally the answers came out. That made me question everything again. But I accepted that he made a bad choice and nothing else has been a lie. Now I’m not convinced he is telling truth yet, because he has lied so much in the past. But I am working on that.

I think that catches us up to speed on the main story. I plan to add some entries from my private journal since they help explain where I am at in my recovery…..

But until then, I think this is enough…

 

Its been a while since i have been on NF.
I have not been doing the best. I have very sad and down lately.
my husband is using tools we have found to help him with his recovery but i feel left behind. i just started talking to someone 1x week to help.(only 2 sessions so far) but its just been upsetting.
I am scared to trust again. i am scared to say ok i believe you. i trust you are telling the whole truth because of all the lies that have been told.
i am scared to face recovery of myself. i don't want to deal with the pain. it sucks can't it just go away?
so i started talking to a counselor 1xweek via zoom. so i don't even have to disrupt my schedule. it was the best fit for me because i don't want to make time for it so they adjust to my free time
i am taking my sessions seriously, i am going to try things they suggest.
My husbands recovery is going fairly well (provided he isn't lying)
he reached 6mo no P/M the other day. which is good.
He sill oogles but is using tools we found to help with that and his number of looks and notices is in the single digits for the time being. (provided it truth)
When will i be able to believe him? I hate this feeling. Part of me is screaming JUST DO IT JUST TRUST AGAIN!!!! and the part is like UM NO, HE HAS BEEN LYING FOR YEARS AND LIED DURING RECOVERY!!!!!!

i am not sure who to listen to
wow this post went all over the place.
ok i think thats it for now. @TryingToHeal thanks for checking up on me