Self-absorbed introduction for transparency & venting

Transparency, but anonymous transparency. I sure hope.

Basic demographics: 37, married (as of 2 years ago!), no kids. Christian, if that matters.

Let's see... causative factors. I don't remember, growing up, ever wanting to look at "girl porn". I knew that wasn't a good idea, even though I was interested in girls. (OK, might've been a few pages out of the lingerie section in Sears catalogs.) Rather, I looked at guys - not starting out with lust, but out of jealousy. I was a fat kid who was convinced he'd never be attractive to girls because of it. (Damn, this hurts to write. But if I can't write it here... sigh.) So, I looked at pics of guys - underwear models, mostly. Guys with abs and muscles and (mostly) no chest hair. Not sure it'd even be considered porn as such, then or now, but at some point staring and jealousy turned into lust. That really made me question my sexuality... which didn't help with confidence to get to know girls better.

Then came the Internet. (Guess that's probably a common theme here.) Suddenly it wasn't just abs that I could see, and compare. Comparing (and "M") turned into "PMO" which just reinforced things. There were a couple speed-bumps along the way: In college, I nearly got kicked out for looking at that crap. (Christian college.) Not sure if my parents knew all of what I was looking at. Grad school - more independence, the brakes were off. Met my best friend, who's gay. (We didn't meet because of that, at least.) I was still torn between habits of "PMO" looking at guys and knowing that I really desired women. It didn't help much that my buddy was quite willing to "PMO" together. (Trying still to make this confessional rather than salacious.)

Lost count of the number of times I've tried to quit it. I managed for a good while after I got married (2012), I really wanted to never use my hand again. Fell off the wagon and climbed back up... then eventually got bored with the struggle.

Motivations to quit:
1. My wife. I have no real interest in her ever finding any of that crap; I've already... sigh... misrepresented the role it's played in my life so far. I want my present-and-future life to be what my past should have been.

2. My job. Most of what I've looked at has featured buff-or-buxom college-aged individuals. I work at a university, surrounded by buff-or-buxom college-aged individuals. I can't see that it's healthy for my professional life to associate bulging teenage biceps or breasts with arousal.

3. Self-respect. I want to be man enough to have killed this thing.

What I've done so far:
1. Joined this forum and found two "APs" already. (The more the better!)
2. Tried to make sure I've deleted anything off my computers (laptop, desktop, work desktop).
3. Cleaned out my yahoo account that I'd used for correspondence, chatting, etc.
4. Will close my tumblr, etc. accounts ASAP.
5. Made it about 10 hours without looking at that crap. And counting.

 

Realizing all over again how the P that really stuck with me (or that I was most tempted by) involves things that I don't have, or that I don't have yet anyway. (Kinda defeats the purpose for us all if I get explicit, I guess!)

So instead, today, I will focus on all that I do have. And plan to celebrate the 4th anniversary of the first date with my wife, which is tomorrow

 

Sigh... "can a man take hot coals into his lap and not get burned?" or, can a man look too long at something he should've just deleted and not get burned? I didn't M&O, at least, but I definitely paid it way too much attention. And I paid too much attention to the P, too. Time now for a meeting, or else it might've been worse. Maybe I got too cocky.

 

I can do better! I was really enjoying the way my body was feeling that day, too. Like I was conscious of having a little more power or something. Although I was also very aware of feeling my underwear on my bits, which didn't help. Going commando probably wouldn't work either....

Weekends are usually easier, not as much alone time. Just checking in. I'm trying out BrainBuddy, an app which someone recommended. It's got a way to log temptation as it happens, and track why you're feeling tempted. Apparently it's $2 a week though. Any free alternatives?