Looking to start a group for husbands trying to be worthy of your wife's trust again

Thanks Anymore helpful stuff it always appreciated.

 

I had a pretty good day today considering. Yesterday I found out that I was passed over for a position I applied for. I was very excited about the opportunity so when I got the rejection letter it bummed me out pretty hard. I called my SO right away and she said "Ok, Whats next?" I snapped back pretty quick and shes right. I have to figure out whats next. When I got home there was a shirt on the bed. It had Timon and Pumba from The Lion King with the words "Hakuna Matata" printed on it. I know at times shes pretty pissed at me but I also know she still cares. I hate that I was so weak for a woman that deserves so much more. I am working hard to make this right.

 

My 14 teen year old and now my 11 year old his friend introduced him. Well, in the same boat so I have been open and honest with them in my struggle. And have told them the door is open. Don't over react that never has made me want to open up. Love him he is going to need your support the door is open now. Porn sucks. Be the man and dad you know you can be. Hope that helps

 

Had a good day with the family today. Last night my SO said she had been holding some of her feeling back because she was afraid telling me would cause me to relapse. I told her that I didn't want her to hold onto that kind of stress. She told me how she has been feeling and seemed a bit less angry with me today. I know she by no means has forgiven me but we did spend a nice day together with our children. Ran several errands and had a nice lunch then went for ice cream. We still have a long way to go and to her I am still the monster that stole 12 years of her life but I am hoping she will see that I am leaving that man in my past and only want her and our children to be my future.

 

So I am very close to day 50 since I stopped PMO. At this point there is a lot of emotions involved. The one that I seem to be feeling a lot lately is guilt. I feel guilty that I am doing so well. I spent about 12 years with P and M and lied to my SO about it. At that time I also felt very guilty and ashamed. The guilt now is quite different. I feel guilty about the fact that I am happy about how well I am doing. I am not sure if that makes much sense but that is what I am feeling. I kind of feel like I don't deserve to be doing as well as I am. I feel more confident and seem to have more energy and over all feel a bit healthier. Yet I know my SO is still suffering and in pain because of what I have done. I suppose the guilt will be there for a long time. It is just strange to feel happy about my progress and guilty about it at the same time. Can any one else relate?

 

@TryingHard2Change. It really is difficult to be happy with myself when my SO is in so much pain. She found this post from a SO of a PA and it just wrecked me to read it. To think that this is how she felt and feels. I had an idea of her pain but her acknowledging the accuracy of the post is....its just hard to look myself in the mirror. I will still own this the way I have been and keep trying to be a better man but I just hate myself right now.

The name of the thread is
Now do you understand how it feels? (spouse of a PA)

I think any PA husband should give it a read. It is very well written and if you have been having trouble understanding how your SO feels then this will put it into perspective. Its in the Rebooting in a relationship forum.

 

Prosarc.com has some great Ebooks for spouses and partners of PA's. The ebooks are very afforable. 20.00 for 5 and straight to the point.

 

This post is literally EPIC. Especially, being patient.

Glad you are here, and it's a great thing you've done with the group for marrieds! I pray your efforts will continue on a successful path in your personal life. Good news is it will be the best thing for your wife, as well. Patience can redefine everything in our universe. All good things come to those who are willing to wait.

 

Here is a great podcast. It is another piece of the puzzle. https://castbox.fm/x/Ctuq

 

I'm in! This is exactly what I'm looking for.

 

My wife and I have had a pretty good weekend so far. On Friday we went bowling for a work fundraiser. It was good to get out around people with her and I enjoyed introducing her to my co-workers. She seemed told me she had a good time and I did as well. I think that socializing together is good for us. Lets us be a couple in front of others. Normalcy is something we both need right now. Today was a nice day with the family. We went to lunch with one of her aunts and spent the rest of the day with the kids. Tomorrow we are going on a walk through some park trails. It will be the third weekend in a row and we are trying to make it a regular thing. I am also starting a work regiment on Monday to create some more consistency. My SO and I are also watching Podcast about PA. It feels like its helping and I just hope to create a little more stability for us.

 

I know the feeling! Experiencing the same thing - feeling good about being P free for 50 days, and the stress relief associated with being 100% honest with my SO. She is terribly hurt (understandably so) and distrustful. It is difficult being newly trustworthy, but not being trusted. I made my bed, so ....

 

I am having some trouble with what to do about my wife thinking I had an affair. She is under the impression that I physically slept with someone else. The fact of the matter is I did delete text messages about a year ago. She is focusing on some I deleted from a woman Co-worker. I actually deleted a lot of messages from several people. Pretty much anything I thought she might get upset about. Even really stupid things like a joke from a friend or a meme from another co-worker. This of course makes it look like something more was going on not to mention I admitted to my SO that I had complimented the female co-worker on more than one occasion. Nothing sexual but this was at a time when I was not complimenting my SO. This of course leads her to believe that I went a step further and slept with another woman. She has also been reading NoFap and has seen that many men here did have physical affairs and feels that if most of them have the I probably did too. I am not saying that only using porn and lying is some how better than having an affair. It really is not. But she is asking me to admit something to her that didn't happen and calling me a liar when I don't admit it. I am of course in no place to defend my self and don't have a leg to stand on so I just keep telling her that I did not have an affair. I am just unsure what I should be doing if anything. Any advice?

 

Okay, I am in. She has known about my pa for some time, and yes, I kept on lying about it. She got kind of numb about it. Then she caught me lying about buying lottery tickets, and it just brought it all up, and now she is not sure she still wants to be married to me.

I have been reading some comments and posts by SAs, so I have finally got that it may take a very long time for her to trust me, if ever. I have also recognized that the lying and being a pa goes hand and hand. So part of my process is not only to stop lying and PMing, but to be real with her. Also to be the man I know I can be, strong, present, and really with her. Truthfully, I don't really know how to love well, but I know that I used PM as a way to keep everyone at arms length. That is changing, too.

One thing that I told her today was something that is real, and that she has said it the past that she wanted: that I am doing the no pm for me, not her. This simply means that I will do this whether or not she is in the picture. She knows that way of doing it is more sustainable.

 

We seem to be on parallel tracks. I get accused of numerous things that are not true, but given that I have compromised my wife's trust, I can't expect her to be able to decipher between the truth and my past lies. I too am pressured to confess to things that haven't happened, because she has convinced herself that they have. I am not qualified to give advice, but I am trying to take solace in knowing that I am being true to myself. I know that I am being honest, even if she does not. We (men) do stupid things in an effort to protect our SO's from pain, even when those things are innocent (like deleting texts). My approach at this point is to be blatantly honest, hide nothing (even if I know she will have a suspicious reaction), and deal with it,which is tough for a guy who traditionally avoids conflict. It is difficult because men tend to be rational, while women tend to be emotional, and we believe that they should be able to be rational about "normal" circumstances. My wife looses it whenever I have a meeting with my boss (a female, who I have no interest in whatsoever), have meetings outside of the office, or have something come up that wasn't on my calendar in advance. She is sure that I am lying. Can I blame her? No, but it will be a relief if and when we get past this phase!

 

@MyWifeDeservesBetter. Thanks for sharing. I agree that our situations also seem very similar. My boss is also female and I have noticed when I mentioned a conversation or meeting to my SO she gets a little upset. I have since introduced them and that seems to have helped a little. I have a lot of trust to earn back and it is nice to know that I am not the only one who is going through this.

 

I had a good weekend with the family. I also feel like I got a lot of things done. I even built a small raised bed garden and planted some flowers for my SO. They were well received and I think as long as I keep up with it she will remember that I am not a complete jerk. I hope to have more weekend like this one.

 

I had a very good weekend with my wife. We had a great lovemaking session this morning, and worked on garden beds together all afternoon.
I was able to stay super present and focused during the lovemaking session, and hard the whole time. Big time victory for us and for me. Very happy.