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She is Going to Find Out Whether You Tell Her Or Not

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by GG2002, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

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    Hi, thank you so much for comment.
    Obviously I know now but I didn't know then. I was badly hurt , shocked and very confused. I was blaming myself for not taking his "disclosure " correctly. As you see English is not my first language. I blamed myself for everything possible .Big time. Soon after the DDay I ended up in psychiatric hospital. I didn't know what is true what is lie. With his "help " I started doubt my sanity.
    Even after our break up he insisted he told me and he was sure I was perfectly fine with his porn habit.
     
    GG2002 and Trappist like this.
  2. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

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    My point is if he would be honest on the very beginning instead of creating this "old fashioned ","ultra decent man with values " image of him self which he was bullshiting me with for 3 years we could make things alright.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    My ex addict did this as well. It was extreme denial mixed in with some gaslighting. He Would insist that he never agreed to stop PMO and never said that he had. Except we had these exact discussions at least 50 times. I have an amazing memory and he discounted that. I could recall the exact conversations where we were etc and then he would say that’s not what he meant, he meant he had not watched it that day. Clearly that’s not what I had asked. It was enough to make a gal crazy. Over time I just started recording the conversations or putting them in writing. He would deny it and I would offer up proof but instead of admitting it he would flip it around to how horrible a person I was for recording him! I think his tactics actually worked with his exes but not me. He was the kind of person that actually tuned things out he did not want to hear and rewrote history in his own mind. Those types of people tend to have serious mental health issues beyond PMO and it’s really hard to fix. It’s almost as if they live in a fantasy world.
     
  4. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Its possible but I think the percentage that never find out is quite low. It may be that for some it takes a lot longer than others but it almost always comes out. My point in this thread was I see so many addicts on here trying to justify non disclosure but they almost always miss the point that they are not the sole keeper of that information. They presume their tracks are covered and they are not. And when the SO does find out on her own it’s 100 times worse. And then there are the addicts who have already been caught but are continuing to PMO and lying about it or hiding details that the SO has asked for. In those cases the SO has lost trust, so she’s even more likely to find out because she’s watching his every move and looking. No being caught is not the only reason to confess of course not, but the idea that they won’t be caught seems to motivate a lot to not tell.
     
  5. Yeah I get your point and I personally agree that not disclosing is wrong.

    But, by definition, the cohort of men who haven't disclosed or been caught is unknown, so we really can't say how many there are. I would bet there are loads (my guess is that many, many people are repressed to the extent that they aren't instinctively aware of what constitutes a problem in a relationship) but your guess is as good as mine.
     
  6. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    I think there is so much more to it then just quiting porn, It was like a onion and pealing layers. Hidden layers for many years.
     
  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    My SO literally said “ we agreed to disagree “ um no . We did not . Lol
     
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  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    The disconnect I think often comes from the addict just not being ready to provide absolute honest and/or to totally cut out the pmo. So they hold things back. After all change normally does not happen overnight. The addict often has changed in his own mind a lot. Except the SO does not know that because she has no idea how bad things really were and he’s certainly not going to tell her. Or maybe she does know but has been lied to for so long it’s all or nothing and now. She won’t put up with it anymore. Most men like to change at their own pace and resist being “told” what to do.

    All that being said while totally understandable the addict needs to know that the SO has boundaries and either he’s got to step up to them or she’s going to leave you. IMO many addicts think they are ready because they have taken a big step in their minds, but still are not fully ready. When I see the defensiveness that’s a key sign am addicts just not there yet.
     
  9. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, I have dealt with it for so long, I could give a flying F. If he wants to wack that little pecker and look at other women then go right ahead. If he wants to keep lying then go right ahead. I am done. Its over and hes going to pay.
     
    Darkligh and GG2002 like this.

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