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Forgiveness?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, Feb 16, 2018.

  1. Hi ladies,
    Thank you all so much to those who replied to my first post, I read each reply carefully 3 times and the relief was overwhelming, it made me feel a little less crazy and less alone.
    My PA has now gone 30 days with PMO (so he says) but I'm struggling to forgive. He admitted recently that after trying to have sex with me and failing that he would go into private and "sorted himself out" instead. It feels like the final straw. For 3 years I comforted him, told him it wasn't his fault etc but kept the hurt and frustration to myself because I knew it would make him feel bad. Now I know he was lying when he said he "didn't know" why he had ED. Now I just don't want him touching me.
    I've lost over a stone and a half in weight (about 21lbs to my US cousins :)) and when I got in the bath yesterday, I looked down at my body and cried. I felt so ashamed of myself. Sagging skin, looking ropey, who the hell would want this etc. All the self-hate that this has caused. I can't compete with the poor, lost whores he's preferred for the past 3 years...the duration of our entire relationship.
    Last night, I told him the engagement is off. I will continue to wear the ring but only cos it will raise questions from family if I don't. I then moved out of our bedroom into a spare one. I've suggested we start dating again - go back to the beginning. But I've stressed that this is the last time. And I mean it.
    The difference this time is that I've told him the low self esteem is my problem - not his. If he's 30 days in, he's done everything he can but he doesn't understand why I can't just move on. The truth is I feel worse about my body now than I did after being raped at 13. Probably because the rapist didn't "love" me.
    Any feedback on forgiveness would be appreciated. Saying that, surely he should understand that the damage he caused wasn't just to himself?
    Is this relationship worth saving???
     
  2. realcheese

    realcheese Fapstronaut

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    I really feel for you, and particularly relate to the denial, my partner even went to the doctors to get off some meds that I had researched and found can cause DE, all the time he was likely death gripping and ogling himself into the situation. Now we are at between 8-10 weeks under the same roof (he has had two chances to relapse but realistically if he is this addicted he could be doing it in the car, I just don’t believe it is possible for a man to not ejaculate for a month and not be showing any signs of trying to instigate sex.) he has gone into complete denial, I have even asked outright if he is still watching porn as there isn’t even involuntary morning erections, literally nothing. I too was raped (at 17) and this DE is bringing back my trauma too, especially as my rapist didn’t ejaculate so I feel very upset like it’s confirming I am not even attractive enough to make a rapist cum. I am not in great shape but I am in the same not so great shape as when we met, he has gained 50lbs. It’s all really very overwhelming and I am trying to be patient but can’t see how it can be repaired and it’s almost two years wasted for both of us.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's been two years since "we quit".
    He was lying then, I was not.
    I still haven't forgiven.
    This... I think is extremely subjective.
    I want my marriage and my man back first.
    I want to Know he is back and staying...
    Then I will forgive.
    Maybe that is crass but I am not being put to torture again.
    He knows this.
    He needs to work on himself and help me through my journey of pain.
    We said "this life and the next" for our vows... He said he was serious, so losing a couple of years to healing should only be a snippet for us.
    (as long as it keeps going the way it is)
    We are both getting better every day.
     
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

  5. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    I haven' forgiven him either.
     
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It was good to reread this.
    A while back I wanted him to accept full responsibility... I had no idea how much THAT would entail.
    We finally making progress on this...
    I feel like this needs to be completed process so I know he will never go back.
    It's a lot.... But some things just become needs after feeling so crazy with all the gaslighting.
    Thank you for the link
     
    Rachie, Real Roboin and kropo82 like this.
  7. Loveless

    Loveless Fapstronaut

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    I also have not forgiven. I honestly don't know if I can or when I will.
     
    GG2002 and Real Roboin like this.
  8. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you...
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  9. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    I don't think i can forgive either. Lord knows I'm trying though. It's definitely a conscious effort that's for sure. I have to constantly remind myself that I have to move forward if I want to stay. Otherwise I'm cheating us both out of happiness.
    Thinking about it like that it seems that shouldn't matter when my happiness was not a thought in his mind for so long. But it's the only thing that keeps me going.
    Love makes people crazy. But it also makes them stronger than than they ever thought possible if with the right person.
     
  10. Wow. What a great forum - thank you for your kindness, welcome and honesty.
    We go on our first "date" tonight, probably just a walk/meal then will arrange something for the week. I won't be moving back into the bedroom anytime soon though. Not because I want to punish him - my mouth's done that enough - it because I genuinely don't want to take my clothes off in front of him or have him touching me.
    It seems that now we know what the problem and solution is, the focus is off him (I believe him when he says he's done 30 days no PMO) but I had no idea that even with this hopeful start, the residue of this sorry mess is still eating me up. One of you said on another thread that it wasn't the porn that was the problem. It was the lying.
    And that's one of the things that makes me so angry. If I hadn't accidentally stumbled across Nofap last month and fronted him out, he'd still be lying. Then another year goes by, my self esteem's gets even lower and he's still lay there soft saying, "I don't know, I don't know..."
    He said he didn't see the connection between PMO obsessively and ED. I find that so hard to believe.
    One last thing on forgiveness though. It helps to forgive when someone is sorry - he says he's sorry but doesn't actually know why he's sorry. I see it in his eyes - he doesn't get it. When he understands the "gravity" (thankyou Dr Phil) of how his addiction has made me feel as a woman, sexually and as a human in general, then I can start to move on. But he doesn't get it. He doesn't even get that he doesn't get it - if that makes sense :)
    Thanks again, ladies. Sending extra love to you, realcheese x
     
    Rachie, GG2002 and Katrina Rose like this.
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I went through this as well. My partner told me he had stopped pmo and I believed him. I was supportive even though he had severe DE and was encouraging telling him it was not his fault. But the DE just kept happening and he acted as perplexed as I was as to why. I would ask if he was still pmoing and he would say no so I continued to look for answers and help. He went to the docs to get thyroid testing went to a urologist was going to take meds and all the while he was still pmoing. When I caught him in his lies he said that he did not believe pmo was the cause of his DE so he just kept doing it. He did not seem at all concerned that he was lying to me! But he and the majority of addicts with ED know pmo is the cause their addict brain just does not want it to be so it does everything it can to keep him addicted. Seriously the lengths they will go to to justify continued use is crazy!
    Until he realizes how bad it is for you and for him it’s doubtful he will recover. I could not forgive my ex so I left. He kept pushing me to get over what he did. He could not understand why it was taking so much time. I never had low self esteem but I got it bad in this relationship.
     
  12. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Imvgetting out too, I can' take anymore lies or forcing me to forgive. I got crazy recording and acting out in mania and 1 thing holds true if not banging me is wanking.
     
  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Good for you. Best of luck in healing. I let the same way, I acted crazy and I never act like that. I seriously could not control the anger I felt, and the level of frustration that he was not even sorry and trying to shut me down. It’s bad enough he did it, but to not be contrite! Once I left I realized how sick the relationship was actually making me and it was if someone had lifted a weight from my body.
     
  14. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Thank you and best of luck to you too! I get it , I was a monster and so angry. Yes its has if nothing ever happened and for me to just act like for 2 years he made me feel crazy. He kicked me out of my own bed and acted like i was going to rape him because I was trying to initiate. All the rejection has me so low. The worst was when I was happy he quit only to find a rag full of you know what. I knew then he would never really quit. Only control more to hide it from me. I had no idea even how much he masturbated. Good lord and I thought something was wrong with me. Never in my wildest dreams did I think i would loose my 22 year marriage to porn. I am realizing this isnt a healthy relationship , I cant pretend to be something I am not anymore. When he did quit he changed but I can tell by his eyes he is using again. Besides how entitled he acted and what he was saying. right back to desensitizing. If you need a friend or someone to talk to , I will be here for you.
     
  15. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    I was 48 and watching every rag in my house, counting. Life is just to short for the craziness this makes us! I really didnt even know I could turn into that kind of person but i sure did.
     
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I can tell you that neither one of us knew his ED was PI until we found this site. DDay was nearly a year prior and while he didn't know I had discovered it (i didn't tell him for a few months). When I did tell him, he cut back and said he quit. His ED was still there and didn't get better at all. But because we didn't connect it, we didn't see it as a sign. I busted him again and he cut back more, trying to do it on his own, but not fully committed. Obviously ED was still there, obviously still no connection between the two in our brains.

    When we found nofap he started a counter immediately and within 2 weeks it made a difference and THEN we read about PIED on here. Blew both our minds. It's been 8 months since we joined NF and while he hasn't been 100% clean, this is the most committed he's been to it. It's been a slow process to get his commitment in full gear, but ever since he started that counter, even when he has had to reset it for one reason or another, the PIED is gone.
     
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  17. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Yes I feel I have lost so much time, life is so precious .. I am like you I do not believe that if they are initating with us, something is going on.
     
  18. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Love how calm you are and supportive. Not me!
     
  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Lol, it's a process.
     
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  20. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    That is better than mania and that is what it cause for me.
     

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