1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

QUESTION: Being intimate, while he's on reboot...thoughts?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Jagliana, Feb 8, 2018.

Is it okay to be intimate with my husband while he is on the PM reboot?

  1. Yes

    5 vote(s)
    29.4%
  2. No

    2 vote(s)
    11.8%
  3. It's situational

    10 vote(s)
    58.8%
  1. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    75
    67
    18
    I just don't get this ' not mixing the two'.
    What the he'l does that even mean.? Just seems like an excuse to me.
    Sex is sex is sex.
    It's either fantasy sex with a hand or real sex with a woman. When a choice is made for fantasy sex then it is a conscious choice to NOT be with your partner.
    It seems to me a lot of guys almost use M as a hobby and see it as a separate thing to a physical relationship to a partner. I really struggle to truly see how it can be separate as it is about sexual desire with or without O, real or fantasy.
     
  2. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    When my husband said that, he meant when he was with me sexually, he wasn't thinking about P or fantasizing, he was only thinking about me. Yeah, not sure I buy that, but that's what he meant.
     
  3. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    75
    67
    18
    I see what he means. Don't think my SO can say the same - caught him watch P on his phone behind my back during sex. REALLY crappy thing to do.
     
  4. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry, that is horrible. :(
     
  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    While, in some cases that may be true, I think he is being honest with me on that point. I can say this only from my own personal experience because I "M" from time to time, and it in no way affects sex with my husband. When I'm intimate with him, I'm in that moment with him, I'm not thinking of anyone else or anything else. But again, it really depends on your partners type of addiction. We generically label it "PM" but there are so many different degrees to these addictions (in my opinion).

    Same thing mine says.

    Oh wow, yea, that is definitely NOT okay! I'm so sorry he did that. So obnoxious.
     
  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    1,313
    2,084
    143
    Omg . I would nvm I can’t even say what the eff I would have done . I’m so sorry he did that TO you . They don’t realize they are DOING something TO us .
     
  7. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    75
    67
    18
    I don't think he did it in an obnoxious way - more out of desperation. I can see the struggle in him. Knowing he loves me and wants me but feeling unable when we are intimate. In a way I think he doesn' want to fail in the bedroom so P is his crutch.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Yes but I don't think he understands the psychological damage he is doing to you with that type of action. I would rather not have sex at that point, but that's me. Is he doing this reboot?
     
    Numb likes this.
  9. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    75
    67
    18
    I have just written him a letter telling him my experiences of restricting M and O to only with him. I believe I was addicted to MO. I think the changes are more subtle in women as i had no imterest in P.
    After watching the videos on betrayal trauma I realised that just shredding him and making him feel guilty is just pushing us apart.
    I have also explained the benefits for guys too in yhis letter, based on my research into PA and from this site.
    I'm not sure he' s read it yet but it is the first time I have put aside any anger and judgement, tried to be understanding.
    We will see what he says...
     
    Rudramast and Jagliana like this.
  10. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

    211
    342
    63
    You're being incredibly supportive of your husband, and must really love him. You're terrific.

    You're also totally right about honesty. You have a right to his complete honesty from now on, no matter what. If he relapses he owes it to you tell you.

    I think you also have a right to expect him to be totally honest with you about *why* he's relapsed. This is the bit of my advice you may find harder to hear because you may think it sounds like I'm blaming you. *I'm really NOT blaming you*. He's 100% responsible for this for not being honest with you before now.

    I suspect there could (only could; I don't know him, I'm just a guy with some insight into other guys) be some reason why he's using porn that he's not telling you about, and needs to tell you about. You've had a great, active sex life but I wonder if there's something else he wants and has real urges for that he's afraid to tell you about, and that it's frustration about that that's at the root of the distance between you. Have you ever investigated the porn he's used? There may be clues in there.

    If I'm right, then the difficulty is separating any underlying sexual "distance" from his point of view from just a list of fetishes he's recently acquired through porn. I'm not saying you should reenact that.

    But if there is some sexual drive that he's only satisfying through porn (which has then led him further down a porn vortex) then identifying it could really help. You could be astonished at the pretty normal things a man is ashamed, guilty and afraid to tell the wife he loves and mother of his children that he really wants to do with her. You could then decide whether you want to satisfy that with him, or if it's wrong for you. But at least you'd have honesty. I may well be wrong, but I think it's worth you pressing for honesty about this as well as just the fact that he has used porn. It might just be the key to making him obsessed with you instead of bad stuff.

    Let me give you a really small innocent example of the kind of thing I mean. I suspect *almost all* married men by their tenth anniversary would like their wives to dress differently than they do, and experience that as a much bigger sexual frustration than their wives realise, and as too embarassing a thing to discuss. There's a reason men buy unsuitable underwear for their wives. Without anyone looking like a slut there are married miracles out there awaiting couples who decide they're going to take seriously how their spouses want them to dress, and act on it.

    Just a thought.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  11. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Of course you're not blaming me, all opinions are welcome and I try to understand everyone's point for view.

    There might be, but he has usually been pretty open about stuff like that and we have explored many avenues throughout the years. He told me (but as you said it may or may not be true, I don't have telepathic abilities to know for sure lol) that he simply loves to M, he enjoys it, it's his alone time and he finds it fun. He says after a while of solo M, he doesn't "get there" quick enough, so he turns to P for extra stimulation, then he forms a habit/routine and continues.

    Now, what I've told him hundreds of times is - I KNOW he does it, HE KNOWS I know, so now that the cats outta the bag, there's no reason to lie to me anymore. I can at least help him if he relapses etc., honesty is all I am asking for. He said he is really embarrassed and ashamed that he can't stop cold turkey, he thought he could and hates if I think he is weak.

    Not sure if that makes any sense lol.
     
  12. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

    211
    342
    63
    Thanks for your reply, Jen.

    That does make it sounds as if he's had plenty of chances to get what he needs with you.

    It's alone time, he says, yet he wants it over more quickly. Hm. That sounds a bit odd. Needing some alone time is natural for a working husband and father. If PM really is just a habit he drifts into during downtime, perhaps as a reaction to stress, then maybe he needs a new active manly hobby to replace it. Or maybe when he starts "solo M" he should ask you to come and help him with that extra stimulation. That could be a lot of fun, and (if you both wanted) could be something really different from the other sex you have.
     
    Kenzi and Jagliana like this.
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Funny that you mentioned that, he actually suggested that may be at some point, if he continues to be 100% honest with me - that years down the line, he could do that (Should he want to M, to have me help instead of turning to P). For right now, he decided to switch from PM to PMO for two weeks, to prove to me that us being intimate does not effect his M urges. He wants me to be sure of it, since he can see I'm quite conflicted about it.

    This is a long and weird process, to say the least. If you'd like to be an accountability partner for him / or if you need one you can find him here.
     

Share This Page