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Is there hope ?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by White ninja, Jan 28, 2018.

  1. White ninja

    White ninja Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys my story quick version as I'm guessing getting it out might also help. I'm male 42, I think my early adult life is pretty typical of most north american middle class guys, like most guys my age of course as a teen I had seen porn magazines so I was introduces early but did not have the kind of exposure teens today might have I guess . Anyhow had a typical dating life growing up , had a couple relationships with very sweet girls in high school, not at the same time lol a couple years apart . In my twenties had a good handful of short term and medium term relationships as well as a couple longer term ( 2-3 yrs ) w a couple amazing people .

    fast fwrd to 30 I thought I had my sh*t together and my friends seemed to all be getting married , met a gilr I had a crazy draw to , and the feeling was mutual, mistook infatuation for love , got married had a totally dysfunctional roller coaster realationship for a few yrs before separating. After words I sought therapy as I wanted to learn more from the experience as well as heal .

    learned over the next couple yrs of sessions and a ton of reading psychology books that I had a whole wack of child hood issues that led me to have unconscious intimacy issues in my adult life . I worked hard and improving myself and felt great .
    Problem ? My ex had also gotten my balls in the divorce. Seemed I had lost my masculine appeal or something as no women ever wanted to be anything more than "friends" anymore and even ones who initially were attracted to me never seemed to want try dating me . Some would but always left The more this went on the more emotionally and sexually needy I became and the stronger my apparent repellent got .

    During this emotionally difficult dry spell I turned to porn sometimes, not a little but not a lot, probably once or twice a week tops.

    Eventually I got sick of the whole situation and resolved to change it. I wanted to finally meet " the one " and felt I was ready . Upon my search for answers I found a couple male dating coaches online that didn't seem to full of BS and seemed to come from a common sense mindset and mostly stuff I needed to be reminded of and some new insights too . Long story short , my dating life started improving .
    My passion for general self improvement started going up as well and as a result with the continued new enthusiasm for dating advice, it seemed every time one relationship ended, following I would meet a girl who was even better suited to me. this went on for about 7 yrs and I met and dated some amazing women on my search for the one . Matter of fact I am stil on pretty great term w all of them. When ever I have run into one Its always smiles and hugs and a few still reach out to me to grab lunch or coffee occassionally to catch up .

    Ok sorry about the long back story but it all kind of goes together . So two yrs ago I actually was quite happy , maybe the most happy and at peace I had ever been and was starting to think I might not actually want a gf anymore .
    However this is when I met the most amazing women . When it started it was just suppoed to be something casual but it grew non the less . She was beyond any dought the most emotionally healthy person I had ever been with and is just the most loving person I have ever met . Things progressed in the usual manner , everything was amazing inc the sex, she moved in after a yr .

    Which all leads to where I am now .
    My only guess is that the whole time I was searching I never stopped to think I hadn't been in a monogamous relationship for longer than 6 month in 7 yrs , and even that was more rare , 3 seemed to be the average .
    I noticed myself beginning to look at other women. Eventually I started fantasizing about some of my exes while having sex, Not because there is anything wrong with my girl friend, I knew it was me , I hadn't had sex w the same person for 2 yrs in so long.

    Eventually I began looking at porn again . I felt shameful but I would still break about once every week or two . As you can guess it kept increasing .


    I began looking at porn privately ( and not touching myself ) when I know we would most likely be having sex that night ( Weekends ) to get myself into the same state sexually I was when we first met .

    I hit my ultimate low up to that point , I checked out a sight for people who want to have discreet affairs or one night stands.
    I quickly realized how idiotic and crazy that was and never went back since .

    But, Last week I hit rock bottom . I looked around on an escort hosting site , I even checked out an online review board .

    Last night I was up way to late looking at this site for escorts and reading the online discussion board which was basically like verbal porn , in the same way the pictures and descriptions on the escort site are like non video porn . At the end I was so revved up I Pmo'd not once but twice .

    I have had enough , I want to be in a healthy relationship and be healthy and a good partner , honest not lying .

    Today I am beginning my first 7day challenge, then 14 and so one . Looking frwd to this journey ,

    Sorry about such a long post , and thanks if you made it to the end .

    ANY ADVICE ?
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2018
  2. Hey! I wish you the best on your journey, you'll be fine. I am glad you want to change your ways to be more connected to your girlfriend. My advice is, just fight for what you want. We have the choice, never forget that. I believe you can do it, and you will. Focus on other things, focus on who you truly want to be. Best of wishes man, all love. <3
     
    White ninja likes this.
  3. GOOD LUCK on your journey, change always starts with you. Even though I didn't see it until it was too late, it's encouraging that you are there now!

    All the best to you friend.
     
    White ninja and Walter Milowski like this.

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