Lost it all

Tryingto · Jan 30, 2018

A truly heart-breaking story, but sadly all too familiar.

Of course the details vary for all of us, but the underlying truth remains - this addiction carries costs. And sometimes these costs add up to everything. Many thanks for posting here and for reminding me of this fact.

All the best as you begin the process of getting your life back.

Jacob William Jr · Jan 30, 2018

John Msun said: ↑

What you said here is true. I had a good woman last year and this habit got in the way and i lost her for good. Now I just found me another good one and with this one I'm working hard on keeping her.
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This whole situation is difficult for both the addict and his loved ones, but beating it is the out way out of this dark place.

Jacob William Jr · Jan 30, 2018

Tom_Corsi said: ↑

Wow. My words are probably inadequate, but I'm very sorry to read all of this. I hope that you can find the help that you need here. It's usually a friendly, supporting community and I've found some great friends and support here.

I wish you well!
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Thank you friend, all the best!

Jacob William Jr · Jan 30, 2018

Tryingto said: ↑

A truly heart-breaking story, but sadly all too familiar.

Of course the details vary for all of us, but the underlying truth remains - this addiction carries costs. And sometimes these costs add up to everything. Many thanks for posting here and for reminding me of this fact.

All the best as you begin the process of getting your life back.
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Thank you and all the best on your journey as well.

mikeyb · Jan 30, 2018

I wish you the best in your recovery and hope that you will be able to restore everything you can. We are here to support you through this.

Clauss24 · Jan 30, 2018

Jacob William Jr said: ↑

I am (was) living the good life by all accounts: married my best friend, have a beautiful and bright daughter, good job, white picket fence etc. I’ve been married for 16 years but I’ve had this soul scorching secret since I was a teen myself. It started with magazines, adult channels and now it’s so much easier with all these sites. My wife didn’t have a clue, I never even hinted at any of this. Two years ago, she was using my laptop to do some research for a work project. I must have forgotten to x out my last windows, but when she opened chrome, up popped up the last page I visited, P… obviously. Then I guess she started digging deeper and found my history and links going back about a year. Now she normally only used her computer but it was messed up, so she used mine and I didn’t even think twice. Anyway, she came upstairs and we had a blowout. I swore to her that it’s only been going on for one year, it was nothing serious and I would stop, delete everything and never do it again and that I would let her check my laptop every week. She forgave me but since this was a onetime deal, if she ever caught wind of this again, I would lose her for good. So I tried my best to control my urges, I even upped the romance (flowers, chocolates, more date nights) but after about three months she still would constantly reject me. I so I broke and instead of seeking out help for this problem, I thought trying to go back to this secret life was easier and thought I’d be smarter this time and not get caught. This time instead of my laptop which she checked, I found ways to get to PM from my phone and then delete everything just in case, to be honest I was even considering some “business trips” with hookers but never went through with it. I assumed it would be less risky than my phone and I was getting desperate. So another year and a half went by, slowly she began letting me at least kiss her (progress) but still no sex, as much I really wanted her, I mean love her more than anything. Well last night, somehow she found out about ALL of my continued PM activity from the last year and a half.

So this morning, my wife of 16 years has just walked out on me and has taken our child with her, our daughter, my baby girl. I am stuck in this big empty house and all because I couldn’t control myself or admit that I needed help. What makes this so much more painful is my daughter overheard the blowout me and my wife had over this. She was irate, crying, and screaming and neither of us noticed that the bedroom door was open, so not only my wife but my daughter, will never look at me the same way again. All because of my addiction to P. So now, here I am, left here to clean up this mess I made and that is how I found this site and will be starting this journey and hopefully it is something that can help me break free of this debilitating disease.

I hope this is the breakthrough I need, thanks all.

- Jacob
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I really hope you somehow get cured of this insane habit. I'm here lost but hopefully things turn out good somehow

Jacob William Jr · Jan 30, 2018

qq598353733 said: ↑

Objective: Hello, I am from Guangzhou, Guangdong, China. As far as I know, whether it is the United States or China, There are thousands of people trying to stop a masturbation addiction, So I decided to translate an article about how to stop a masturbation addiction share with friends in the United States. This article is wrote by the manager of the stop a masturbation addiction forum in china, and this is the 90th season he wrote. Due to my limited English skills, it may be inaccurate and wrong, please advise.

Enlightened awareness: You are awareness, not a thought

Introduction: Our core level is “the Gnosis that beyond thoughts ”, that is pure awareness. Awareness is not produced, not destroyed, not defiled, not pure; and they neither increase nor diminish.

Part 1
Thought control behavior
People will certainly have thoughts of living, our behavior and our thoughts are closely related. How to control our own thoughts, is really a very deep knowledge. This knowledge can’t be learned in school, school will teach you to be a moral person, cultivate you in the fields of moral, intellectual, physical, aesthetics and labour, but the school will not teach you how to control the thoughts, It can also be thought management. Many people are unable to control their thoughts, because they can't control their thoughts, so they can't control their behavior. To stop a masturbation addiction, we must work hard at the thought control. This is the core part of stopping a masturbation addiction. To stop a masturbation addiction is the war between thoughts in mind, either you kill the thought, or the thought kills you, it is so cruel. After being killed by the thought, it is a series of masturbation. many people will sigh at the slight error in thought after making mistakes. Sometimes a bad idea can cause serious consequences, such as crime, suicide and so on.
The prelude to masturbate is that you make evil thoughts. Thoughts is the trigger of behavior, so control the thought, we can eliminate the root causes of masturbation. Some people may say that they have no psychosexuality, just taking a shower or other occasions to stimulate the sensitive parts of their bodies, so they masturbate and then psychosexuality, or just masturbate without psychosexuality, it is possible, but the vast majority of cases are they psychosexuality first and then masturbate. No matter what way of beginning masturbating, there must be some idea as a guide, and this idea is not necessarily psychosexuality, just like stimulating to the sensitive parts of his body when taking bath, if we were able to remain vigilant at the time, we would not have such a case of beginning masturbating. Although many people know that they can not stimulate sensitive parts, they let themselves do so. This masturbation comes from the idea of some kind of indulgence in the mind, a potential idea. Subconscious can also lead to masturbation, many people unconsciously masturbate when they are half awake. Through continuous study articles about shopping a masturbation addition to purify our consciousness, and practice to break of the bad thought hard, and insisted for some time, unconsciously masturbation will disappear.
We must always be aware of the inner thoughts, over time we can influence the subconscious. We must also be familiar with all kinds of thoughts that can lead to masturbation, so that we can have 100% chance of winning in the actual battle with the thoughts. Some thoughts seem good, in fact, it’s a wolf in sheep's clothing! you let go this thought, it immediately became a demon, it will take over your body, start masturbating madly, desperately squeeze your most precious kidney essence. The most essential aspect of stopping a masturbation addition is to cultivate one's mind. Many people will ask what cultivating mind is, in fact, this mind is the thought. To cultivate one's mind is to control his thought in mind. One can control his own thoughts, then he can control his behavior!

Part 2
Thoughts are just tools
Do not think the thought is you, the thought is just a tool we use. Such as riding a horse, you control the horse, and you can't get the horse to drive you crazy. No one thinks he's the horse, we're just using the horse. Many people love to play games, whether it is a fighting game, or shooting game, you are controlling a certain character, that character is not real you, you are just controlling it. So is the thought, we have to learn to control our thoughts, we are observers, not thinkers. The observer is like the monitoring of the roadside, and the idea is like the pedestrian coming and going on the road. We have to learn to monitor our thoughts and manage our thoughts. We should be the masters of thoughts, not the slaves of thoughts. The reason why we masturbate, is because when the evil thought come up, we lack of awareness and follow the thought of running, which has been strengthening the power of thought, so in the end will aflame with sexual desire and can not help masturbating. When you stop agreeing with your own thoughts, a higher awareness arises, and you will find that the real power comes from this kind of awareness and observation to the heart at any time. To stop a masturbation addition, you must firmly hold your own thoughts.

Part 3
Listen to the inner voice
Everyone has its own mental activity, which is composed of a series of thoughts. If you think about it carefully, you'll find that the thought is actually the inner voice. When a thought appears, it is a sound that sounded in you mind, just like a person speaks in you mind. Thought leads to behavior, and the sound of each thought has its own nature. Before it is put into action, it is merely a thought, after being put into practice, it will turn into an act. For example, a person saw a travel video, and then a thought appeared in his mind, a voice: " I want to travel there, too." If all conditions are adequate, then this thought will be put into action. Many people's behavior, the initial cause may be a small thought, when you listen to that idea, it will produce the corresponding behavior. We should learn to listen to the inner voices, to be the listener of a thought. Of course, listening is not enough. We must learn to distinguish the nature of various thoughts, and we must resolutely refrain from listening to the thought that can lead to masturbation.

Part 4
Beyond the control of the thought
Many people are in the state of being enslaved by thoughts, they are not the masters of thoughts, they are slaves of thoughts. We should become masters of thought, not puppets of thought. Remember: thought is a tool, we are the users, we can't reverse it and let the thought be the master. We can think carefully about whether we had thought about controlling our own thoughts in the past. Do we have such awareness? That is, "I want to control my thoughts instead of letting my thoughts control me." It is estimated that many people have never thought of this problem, they have always been slaves of thoughts, when the thought appeared in their mind, they think it is their own idea. In fact, many thoughts are jumping out of their own, not your most real idea. For example, a few days ago someone vowed solemnly: "This time I cut my hand nor masturbate, this time I have to stop a masturbation addition more than 100 days." However, as soon as the inner demon came, he immediately collapsed. The oath had long ago been abandoned, and then he masturbated frantically. If you can not control your thoughts, then thoughts will take you into the abyss, into hell. The so-called: Heaven and hell is only within a flash of thought. “ the tiantai commentary on the “Saddharmapundarika-sutra””:” explanation says: There is no other dharma in the three realms, everything is created by eka-citta, heart can hell, heart can paradise, heart can be ordinary, heart can be virtuous.” Everything is changing in mind, we must learn to beyond the control of the thought. Remember: We control the idea, not the idea to control us!

Part 5
The form of inner demon is the thought in mind
Many people will ask what is inner demon, to put it plainly, is the thought in mind! The thought that lead to masturbation likes Trojan virus. If you install this thought (the so-called install means follow this thought), then you must be manipulated. A Trojan usually has two executable programs: one is the control side and the other is the controlled end. If you click and install that thought, you will be the controlled end! You will lose all autonomy and will not sober until masturbated. Many friends have high IQs, some are prestigious graduate students, and some even PhD students, but they still indulge in masturbation because they are also under the control of the Trojan virus. They became the inner demon's marionette. So no matter how high your IQ is, even more than 150, as long as you don't learn to control your thoughts, you would still frantically masturbation, once you follow the thought, it is equivalent to being implanted masturbation Trojan virus, it is entirely and involuntarily masturbation machine.

Part 6
Evil thoughts implanted in mind
Evil thoughts can implanted in our mind, so are evil thoughts will live out its own by our mind, once you've been implanted，you will be totally changed. Even though you have just swear to stop a masturbation addition, but when the thought that want to masturbate comes up, you do not cut break off the thought timely, instead you follow it, as a result, you are like being implanted. “Mahavai pul ya-mahasanni-pata-sutra”: “sexual passion to enter the mind, it's like being persecuted by a ghost.” This situation is like the inner demon took the joystick, and you are manipulated that you are completely commanded by the inner demon, you completely involuntarily. When evil thoughts implanted you, you will lose the autonomy to your body and you will be a puppet of masturbation. Many people know that masturbation will lead to a lot of physical and mental diseases, but he just can't stop, why? Because he was implanted by the thought, when the thought comes up, he did not break off in time, then the thought implanted in his mind, evil thought is like an instruction implanted in his mind. To anti-implantation, we must break off the thought as soon as it comes up , just like the enemy up, we must kill it immediately, otherwise, we will be hijacked and implanted, It's like being remotely controlled by the inner demon and completely involuntarily.

Part 7
The nature of each thought is different
Every one of us has a lot of thoughts everyday, many of which do not lead to masturbation, but there are many thoughts that may lead to masturbation. Therefore you have to learn to recognize and review your thoughts, just like a sentinel, one thought comes up and you have to review one, you can't let go easily. If you let the enemy break into the city, then the result is burning and looting, the enemy must grab you empty. Although some ideas are not evil, but it may lead to masturbation, such as thoughts of instigation, thoughts of pride, thoughts of hatred. There are some misconceptions that may shake the position of stopping a masturbation addition and leading to masturbate. As we begin to quit masturbation, we must correct the misconceptions in the brain one by one, establish a correct understanding of stopping a masturbation addition. And we must learn to recognize the idea that can lead to masturbate. It's like identifying a liar’s deception. Those who do not understand deception are often gullible. If you have completely figure out the inner demon's tricks, then you can know the enemy and know yourself, and you can fight a hundred battles with no danger of defeat.

Part 8
Two thoughts fight in your mind.
Breaking off the thought is the most practical part of stopping a masturbation addition. Battle of the thought will certainly fight. It is better to overcome one's inner thoughts than to overcome a big army outside. Overcoming your own thoughts is equal to the surrender of all enemies, only by overcoming the thought of yourself can you overcome everything. Starting to stop a masturbation addition, we must learn to observe the heart and break off the thought. And continue to practice observe the heart and break off the thought, practice to reach the acme of perfection, reach the peak of perfection. breaking off the thought must be fast, speed defines the winner. The latest research shows that Odontomachus bauri’s attack is the fastest in world. It can finish attack in 0.13 milliseconds, 2300 times faster than the human blink. We must practice to break off the thought the same fast!

Crossing the line of fire has 100 kill, 200 kill, 300 kill, 500 kill, 1000 kill, double Kill, multi Kill, occur Kill, unbreakable, unbelievable. CF is killing enemies outside, stopping a masturbation addition is killing enemies inside, kill the inner demon. CF is fighting on a computer map, and stopping a masturbation addition is fighting in mind. The thought will certainly appear, the thought will definitely come up, by that time is the actual combat of stopping a masturbation addition! If you are killed by the thought, the result is a series of masturbation. The thought is the Trojan virus of masturbation, it will implanted in you, and then manipulate you to masturbate! You'll not sober before finishing masturbating. Playing online games, even if you kill hundreds of thousands of people, it is not excellent. The real excellent thing is to kill your inner demon, the form of inner demon is the thought comes up in the brain! A lot of CF masters carrying a spy, killing dozens of people, even hundreds of people, this is not excellent, The real excellent thing is that kill the thought as soon as it comes up, you must be fast and must be neat! When the thought comes up, you must be aware of it at the first time, as soon as you perceive, the thought disappears. The so-called be aware of the thought as soon as it comes up, when you Perceive it, it comes back to nothing.
The real master of stopping masturbation will never allow the thought living in the mind more than 1 second. Breaking off the thought must be tough. We must stronger and faster than the inner demon! If you aware the thought late, then it has been on the rise, just as a small fire has been burned into a big fire, then it is difficult to eliminate. There is a cloud in old saying: Prevention of fornication like prevention of fire! We must grasp the best time to break off the thought! We must break off the thought as soon as it comes up. Do not follow the thought, do not strengthen the thought. The real master of stopping a masturbation addition, in the first moment of thought comes up, he use the awe-inspiring awareness, can eliminate the evil thought, it’s extremely fast! If you do not have the overwhelming power to fight the inner demon, you will eventually evolve into two thoughts that fiercely compete in your mind, one wants to masturbate, one does not want to masturbate, at this time, you heart will become very struggling, like ants on a hot pan, the possibility of masturbation is relatively high, because the evil thought are up. We must constantly practice to observe our mind and break off thoughts, practice ourselves to the full level and become unsolved. We really need to be extremely powerful, otherwise, when we fight against the inner demon, we often lose, and the result is a series of masturbation and regret.

Part 9
You are pure awareness
When a newcomer came to the stop a masturbation addiction forum, and then he has the awareness of learning articles about stopping a masturbation addition, that is the beginning. But the real start is to learn to cultivate, to learn to control our own thoughts. I have observed a lot of friends who want to stop a masturbation addition, in fact, although they quit for a long time they have not really started, they still stays on the periphery of stopping a masturbation addition, and do not really understand the core and essence of stopping masturbation. In this way, they always do not understand and always break, it is difficult to achieve greater breakthroughs. Once a person really understand the meaning of cultivation, and really know how to cultivate their heart, then his progress is significant. Like the "Tai Chi spectrum" cloud: understanding the way to work hard, more practice more refined. There are some good gifted friends that soon after they contact with articles about stopping a masturbation addition, they can truly realize that the core essence of stopping a masturbation addition. Their perception is so powerful that they can grasp the essence of stopping a masturbation addition. Such kind of friend exist but they are, after all, a minority. Many friends have to try and fail for 1-2 years of stopping a masturbation addition, and then continue to reflect, summarize, think and learn, finally they suddenly understand the true meaning of cultivation, like a sudden enlightened of mind. Before that they didn't get into it when they looked at the predecessors' article about stopping a masturbation addition. They are not fully understand, not really understand and comprehend the meaning of cultivation.

When someone has learned to control their thoughts, it is natural to defeat the vice of masturbation. However, on the basis of controlling thoughts, there is a higher level of understanding and cultivation. It is to awaken one's inner spiritual awareness that awareness is the true self. The thought comes from awareness, and dissolves in awareness, just as waves come from water and dissolve into water. This level of understanding is mentioned in the teachings of many monks. It is to teach you to know the true self, you are the pure awareness, and the idea is just a tool. Monks have said: "To sunyata as self, do not recognize the body; to gnosis as the heart, do not recognize delusion." We can use the thought, but can not be used by thought. We should be the master of thought, not the slave of thought. A thought came to our mind, if ran with it and the result was a series of masturbation. Because running with the thought is to inject vitality and kinetic energy into the thought, if you can break off the thought as soon as it comes to your mind, then the thought can't control your behavior. The Thought is like an instruction, you do not listen to it, it naturally can not control your, But if you listen to that thought and run with it, you will eventually be controlled by the thought. To stop a masturbation addition is a question about to control and to be controlled. If you can control your thoughts, you won't masturbate, instead, if you are under the control of the thought, there will be a series of masturbation.

Our core level is “the gnosis that beyond thoughts ”, that is pure awareness. Awareness is beyond life and death, because they are not produced, not destroyed, not defiled, not pure; and they neither increase nor diminish. Life and death are only our bodies, the body is only a carrier of awareness, and the real master is pure awareness. When you have a deeper understanding of this upanishads, your life will change accordingly. In the past, you are the one who agrees with your thoughts, that is, to think the thought is yourself, the body is yourself. In fact, the idea is just a tool, the body is only a carrier, and we are pure awareness. We are observers, not thinkers, We can observe our thoughts. This awareness of our heart is a higher and more transcendent existence. When we maintain a high degree of awareness, we can be the master of the thought. Conversely, if we lose our awareness of the heart, then the thought will control us, and take us away. And we will be completely lost in the stream of thoughts.

Final conclusion:
In the Buddhist Sutra it states: with the sword of wisdom, break the thieves of worry, with the knife of wisdom, crack the net of annoyance. To stop a masturbation addition need to be wise, to stop a masturbating addition and monasticism is completely interlinked, by stopping masturbation and learning traditional culture, you can learn the truth about life and the universe. We used to be the identity of the thought, but through deep learning and understanding, we will know who we are, We are not thoughts, we are pure awareness, we should control the thought, not the slave of thought. Finally, let’s end with an old saying: pure awareness, don't stick to what you see and hear, don’t stay in the thought, it is involantary.
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Wow, thank you, this is great. I will read it tonight.

kayesem · Jan 30, 2018

Welcome to the forums dude.

Strength to you, hope you get to spend time with your daughter again real soon.

Check out some decent tips here:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/my-top-tips-for-leaving-pmo-behind.35201/

Marcothebest_1995 · Jan 31, 2018

Jacob William Jr said: ↑

A bit older, almost 38. When I was single I never thought this was wrong but as the years go by it becomes more excessive. I suggest trying your best to kick this habit, before you have a good woman and lose her.

I wish you luck on your journey.
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It already happened, as porn fueled my problems with girls, made me jealous and this drove away the biggest crushes of my last year. We split away in a very harsh way, we had hard words that she even interpretated as threats to her life, while I would not harm anybody and moreover I just want her happiness.

Deleted Account · Jan 31, 2018

I feel for you man, but did she start the divorce yet? if not, then if you get yourself together there may still be some hope for you.

Deleted Account · Jan 31, 2018

Marcothebest_1995 said: ↑

It already happened, as porn fueled my problems with girls, made me jealous and this drove away the biggest crushes of my last year. We split away in a very harsh way, we had hard words that she even interpretated as threats to her life, while I would not harm anybody and moreover I just want her happiness.
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This addiction destroys all the relationships in your life!!

arpyegap · Jan 31, 2018

It sounds empty, but I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I'm sure you know this now, but the folks on here are very supportive and understanding. For me it helps to know that many of the people (myself included) have had similar experiences. Sending you good thoughts.

Arpy

getontop · Jan 31, 2018

This honestly does not seem reasonable at all. A lot of her female co workers will be using porn regularly. How absurd that she'd react like that.

Full ahead · Jan 31, 2018

Hello... well, I think everyone (I mean everyone) who is married and addicted, has this double life and since PCs exist, they have become the tool for easy access and exposure to danger (is much easier to hide a Playboy that erasing track of every visit to Porn sites!). I was so daring I would look at Porn on my tablet with my wife at my side in the bedroom! (I cannot believe this, but added another excitement to the vice). I can not remember how many times I did so many other wrong things, fearing what you are going through, BUT, please take into account this is an addiction, much similar to cocaine or alcohol in its worst stage, so you have to stick to this site and look for professional help if you want ( I recommend you do so as to reconcile with your wife)..I am sure she will understand sooner or later and things will go back to the track. I really wish so.

Deleted Account · Feb 1, 2018

Good luck man, find a way to reach out to her and really explain to her that this is a disease, not something you do to piss her off. It changes everything.

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