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need help

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Wade W. Wilson, Jan 29, 2018.

  1. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    Hello everyone, I'm a new member here and I'm very desperate. I'm married almost for 12 years, I have two beautiful kids. However this problem I have with porn is ruining everything. My wife caught me too many times, and caught me in the lie. Everytime I get caught I lie and deny it, which has made it to the point that she is considering leaving me. I just cant myself, I go sometime without porn, but then I just need more and more to get aroused to masturbate. I wanna start this Reboot program, but I'm not sure where to start from. should I do no P or no PM. I don't want stop being intimate with my wife, because so far P or PM hasn't effected my need to be with her. Also at this point porn isn't as big problem for her as me lying and denying. She was willing to help me with my porn problem last time, but I relapsed and lied again. I just get so a shamed and embarrassed and just can't find courage to be honest with her.
     
  2. You need to stop conditioning yourself to sex with pixels on a screen, and have your wife as your only sexual outlet.
     
  3. And yes, for the SOs (Significant Other), the lying is a HUGE issue.
     
    thorswrath32 and Deleted Account like this.
  4. Gnathan

    Gnathan Fapstronaut

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    please join a group called SAA. sex addicts annonymous. the truth is you are addicted to online pronography. please do not let this ruin your relationship. go to chapters and get books and these things. good one to read is called the porn trap.
    please go now and pick that up. sit down with your wife and read it together and or go to the saa meeting with her.
    she is willing to help you. it is like gold. no mans wife will ever say...i am willing to help you....most of them just walk out..but your wife is willing to help you. it may not seem like a lot or big deal...but son...you have it so good...please dont waste it...

    also dont lie. you know you watch p....you know she knows that you watch p.....so why lie....please do not let a simple lie ruin the beautiful life you have.

    no shame in telling the truth. addiction is a disease....dont be shamed to tell or talk about it.
     
    Kris456 and thorswrath32 like this.
  5. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    Thanx a lot, I'll deffenatly look that book up. And I know I shouldn't be lying, especially if she want to help. Just don't know why I keep doing. Also I couldn't find SAA anywhere near me, I'll try to look again
     
    Jacob William Jr likes this.
  6. Jacob William Jr

    Jacob William Jr Fapstronaut

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    I just joined this morning I lost everything I loved and didn’t do enough to stop it beforehand. So, unfortunately for me it may be too little, too late but now I need to get better for myself. I was just about to post my own story, when I came across yours. Like Gnathan said “she is willing to help you. it is like gold. no mans wife will ever say...i am willing to help you....most of them just walk out..but your wife is willing to help you. it may not seem like a lot or big deal...but son...you have it so good...please dont waste it...” and he is so correct on that point, because as bad of a situation that this addiction is, by most standards if she is really willing to help instead of just leave you alone with this disease because of what it did to her, do whatever it takes, DO NOT LOSE THIS GOOD WOMAN. Throw out the red carpet for her, every day man. You must understand how lucky you are right now. Even if you have to repeat it to yourself thousands of times, I am serious this is a one in a million type of deal which you may even feel you don’t deserve but she obviously really loves you enough to put her own anger and pain to side to help you, so at least you know you are not going through this alone. The moment the love of my life caught me, she never looked at me the same way again which destroyed me so much, to think instead of protecting her from pain, I am the one who caused it. As soon as she found me out I was cut off from all forms of intimacy with her, she didn’t want to understand that this was more than just “getting off” unfortunately this made me want to turn to my computer even more for release, she just didn’t get it but I guess I can’t blame her either, she was disgusted by the man she found out I was with this deep dark secret, she was blindsided. She did give me ONE chance, and I blew it. Maybe my story will shed some light for you and it will motivate you to be honest with your wife, something I promised to do and didn’t and now she’s actually gone.

    Let me ask you, how far is she willing to go to help you, have you sat down and actually honestly asked, let it all out there man if she asked for the truth give her the truth. Does she just want to be a bystander who can talk to you if you need that or like is she all in with you? I mean is she willing to go with you to SAA meetings? Be there for you if you feel the urge and need to release/have her? (I don’t know your situation but will she still touch you after finding out about this, like I mentioned I was cut off immediately.)

    A little background on me, I am (was) living the good life by all accounts: married my best friend, have a beautiful and bright daughter, good job, white picket fence etc. I’ve been married for 16 years but I’ve had this soul scorching secret since I was a teen myself. It started with magazines, adult channels and now it’s so much easier with all these sites. My wife didn’t have a clue, I never even hinted at any of this. Two years ago, she was using my laptop to do some research for a work project. I must have forgotten to x out my last windows, but when she opened chrome, up popped up the last page I visited, P… obviously. Then I guess she started digging deeper and found my history and links going back about a year. Now she normally only used her computer but it was messed up, so she used mine and I didn’t even think twice. Anyway, she came upstairs and we had a blowout. I swore to her that it’s only been going on for one year, it was nothing serious and I would stop, delete everything and never do it again and that I would let her check my laptop every week. She forgave me but since this was a onetime deal, if she ever caught wind of this again, I would lose her for good. So I tried my best to control my urges, I even upped the romance (flowers, chocolates, more date nights) but after about three months she still would constantly reject me. I so I broke and instead of seeking out help for this problem, I thought trying to go back to this secret life was easier and thought I’d be smarter this time and not get caught. This time instead of my laptop which she checked, I found ways to get to PM from my phone and then delete everything just in case, to be honest I was even considering some “business trips” with hookers but never went through with it. I assumed it would be less risky than my phone and I was getting desperate. So another year and a half went by, slowly she began letting me at least kiss her (progress) but still no sex, as much I really wanted her, I mean love her more than anything. Well last night, somehow she found out about ALL of my continued PM activity from the last year and a half.

    So this morning, my wife of 16 years has just walked out on me and has taken our child with her, our daughter, my baby girl. I am stuck in this big empty house and all because I couldn’t control myself or admit that I needed help. What makes this so much more painful is my daughter overheard the blowout me and my wife had over this. She was irate, crying, and screaming and neither of us noticed that the bedroom door was open, so not only my wife but my daughter, will never look at me the same way again. All because of my addiction to P. So now, here I am, left here to clean up this mess I made and that is how I found this site and will be starting this journey and hopefully it is something that can help me break free of this debilitating disease.

    Please do not blow this opportunity your wife has given you, if all she is asking you is for honesty in exchange for still being there for you and helping you fight this, then GIVE HER THAT, swallow your pride and tell her everything and every time something comes up, no matter how hard or painful, it’s the least you can do. If she is going to help you, let her really be there for you. Trust me, if she discovers you lying again you will probably lose her for good and then you’ll be trapped in this mess alone, like me. If this is your last chance, please my friend do not screw it up.

    If you need to talk more, shoot me a private message. Good luck.

    - Jacob
     
  7. I don't think NoFap will help you at the moment. Your problem is chronic lying to your wife, not masturbation.

    Lying damaged trust. Even if you stay honest for the next 50 years, she will still remember that time you lied to her face about masturbating.

    Best thing would be to discuss with her why you lied, and hope she understands. Perhaps you didn't want her to be ashamed in you. Understand that lying does some massive emotional damage.
     
    MooseKnuckleMcGee likes this.
  8. Jacob William Jr

    Jacob William Jr Fapstronaut

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    Lying is extremely damaging to a relationship, decades worth. But the real question would be then, is he lying to her about everything or just his P addiction? because if it's just the PM, then he should stick to this program because if he fixes his addiction, he won't have a reason to lie to her and maybe the first step to her regaining that trust would be if in fact he comes to her with the truth first, instead of having her catch him in another lie. But if it's more then only lying about this, then he may have to look into more resources to deal with that issue as well.
     
  9. Sorry to hear of your loss, it is sad. Thank you for sharing and trying to impress upon the other fellow what he's got going for him.

    This is not to let you off the hook for your usage, but I have to wonder what a woman thinks will happen when she does that. That is expected to help things? As a temporary state, I could totally understand it - she is in shock and wonders "who the fuck did I marry?". As a permanent state? That is something else. It's not really a marriage at that point, IMO. But I'm single and always have been and will be, so what do I know?
     
  10. Jacob William Jr

    Jacob William Jr Fapstronaut

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    Well that's why I'm curious if the OP's wife is there for him 100%, I mean all in (help with his needs) or just there to listen, which is fine too but if he isn't getting any, it will make getting better more difficult. Don't get me wrong, I understand her not wanting anything for a month or two after something like this but does she understand that cutting him off could make things worse. My wife stopped, everything and I lost it. Question Wade, might come off a little personal though so sorry, do you actually enjoy having sex with your wife, sexually attracted to her, do you WANT, want her or do you find it more of a "chore" and you rather be in PM mode? I mean does she, as a woman, as your woman really turn you on to the point where you want her really bad and gotta have her that second, more then the need for PM? or do you find yourself being intimate with her but thinking of other women/videos?

    Immature yea man, like I mentioned I am aware I did this to myself, it's not my wife's fault at all and I don't blame her not wanting to look at me while the initial shock was still there. BUT, after a while I was really trying to remind her of the good times but even that wasn't good enough. I noticed she was looking at me with pure disgust, I didn't know what else to do. I guess I should have looked into ways to help solve my problem, instead of turning back to it and maybe that would have shown her I was serious, but my denial was strong. I didn't want to lose my wife, but I didn't want to lose my porn either. This is a disease, but most women don't look at it like that. Unfortunately for me, my wife only thought it was me being a pervert and picking "other women" over her, she considered it cheating. So I guess cutting me off from sex was my punishment.

    This is why I'm trying to share my story, to help others understand how this addiction cost me everything that mattered, my wife and daughter. 16 years of a solid marriage gone, overnight because of a a few minutes of self-pleasure. No more seeing her smile at me, laughing at my corny jokes, family vacations, no one to keep warm at night, nothing, it's all gone now. I can not stress this enough: IT IS NOT WORTH IT, fight this habit and the lying for the sake of yourself and your wife and if she is willing to put her own hurt on hold to help you get through this, take the help and NEVER lie to her again, no matter how ashamed it makes you feel. Don't mess this up man, she sounds like a keeper. A real "ride or die" woman. Do whatever you can to save this, trust me. And you said you have kids, think about the way they will look at you, the moment she leaves. Eventually they will learn the reason why. My daughter considers me a "pathetic pervert who hurt mom" now... it makes me sick to my stomach.

    I also think you should check out the "Rebooting in a Relationship" section of this forum and especially read this thread, sounds like something that may be helpful for you: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...o-be-worthy-of-your-wifes-trust-again.141792/
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2018
  11. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your story Jacob. I am lucky to have her in my life. She actually 3 times, and this time is last thin straw. She is willing to be by my side and help me through this problem. Also we are still intimate. I will definitely try not to screw this chance up. She found this program for me, and I'm gonna do anything and everything to fix this.
     
    Jacob William Jr likes this.
  12. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    The P addiction is what im lying about, that's why i wanna do this program. I'm honest in everything else.
     
    Jacob William Jr likes this.
  13. Jacob William Jr

    Jacob William Jr Fapstronaut

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    Wade, you owe it to her and yourself to make sure you stick to the right path. I think you can do it, you have the best kind of support system one could ask for in this situation, your partner. I think if she is willing to help you with this recovery and still wants you sexually even after her discoveries, you have no excuses to keep lying to her my friend, just fight any urge you have to start lying again. Come to this forum, PM me or ask others for help or advice. If this is truly the only thing you lie about you have no reason to do it anymore. She knows about it, you know about it, don't end up like me... waking up one morning and she is gone with your kids, leaving you alone in your misery. She sounds like a really good woman, make sure you hug her tight everyday and sing her praises. You don't know how good you have it, until it's gone for good. Mine was perfect for me, funny, beautiful, smart but I lied and she didn't want to give me any more chances to hurt her, twice was enough for her. If others can learn from my mistakes, that would be great.

    How soon after you were caught did she wait to be intimate with you?

    You never answered my question that I know it comes off a little personal but it might make you reflect on the degree of your PMing. Do you actually enjoy having sex with your wife? are you still physically/sexually attracted to her, does the thought of her still turn you on or do you find the sex more of a "chore" and you rather be in PM mode? Does she, as a woman, turn you on more, less or the same as when you watch other women and PM? do you find yourself being intimate with her but thinking of those other women/videos? these are questions you need to be able to answer honestly. We won't judge you here.
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  14. Wow @Wade W. Wilson count your blessings, I will pray that you don't screw this opportunity and chance up. I don't know what you said or did to have her want to help you, instead of just threaten to leave you. But can you share? why is she willing to help vs ignoring you till you fix yourself? my wife, well ex-wife now, just told me to stop, but I kept pushing my luck and well her patience finally wore off one fine day.

    Jacob, I'm sorry man, I'm right there with you. My wife gave me a lot more then two chances, but I kept thinking "one more time, she won't find out this time" but somehow, she always did. I just lost my custody battle for my three kids, because of this addiction the court deemed me unfit to parent. It was one of the most painful things I've had to do, besides completely destroying my wife with this PA.

    I guess as I think about everything that has happened these past few years, one thing that may have made me feel more secure to keep my PM going was that even though my wife would always threaten to leave me when she caught me (and always just kept giving me one more chance) and she never actually did. I always assumed they were empty threats because I was our home's breadwinner. She was a stay at home mom, hasn't worked at all in the last decade, my income was keeping us afloat. I figured, where would she go? she needs me. Well, I guess I drove her to the point where even that wouldn't sway her anymore. Now, I'm going to be paying child support until my three triplets until they are 18. And her? she's actively seeing a new man and the thought of someone else touching, kissing and making love to my woman, that I had and lost... is killing me. That's why I started this journey a few months ago, I need to make myself whole again.

    I noticed a lot of changes though, that I didn't pick up on early enough with my ex, that thinking back on it now, should have been hints that she was getting ready to move on. If you would like to talk about it @Wade W. Wilson let me know, I would love to help you, not lose everything.
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  15. Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2018
  16. Full ahead

    Full ahead Fapstronaut

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    Hello. Ours is an addiction. That's it!. I have been married for over 28 years and I am sure my wife knows and has kept silent; our sex life is a mess because of me, mostly, but what we have to do is fight and keep close to this site or any other offering support. I understand you 100% pal... Kep on!
     
    Immature likes this.
  17. Congrats on 4 days.
     
    Full ahead likes this.
  18. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for good advice, it does help a lot. I don't want to lose her, i can't even imagine life without them. All the stories you guys share really help and help me with this problem. My wife is the love of my life, she's the only woman i ever been with and can't imagine myself be with anyone else.

    Jacob to answer your question, sorry i missed it yesterday. I love having sex with my wife, she turns me on and I don't see it as a "chore." And its not even sex, just being with her, holding her in my hands at night, or when she hugs me when we fall a sleep. And to think I'm one foot out of the door to loose all that.

    Also she doesn't see thats it a right choice to cut me off completely, we both enjoy sex with each other, and we were intimate very quick. That's what makes it even worse. Shes there to help, shes not cutting me out, she loves me and wants to be there. All she asks is to be honest. Only i enjoy M, i can start with out any P, but I get to the point that I need more and more stimulation. So I start looking and I look for different stuff, if i get tired from one kind of P I move on to something else that helps me to get off. I just cant help myself sometimes.

    However all the stories you share does help. and just to talk to someone with whos going through something means a lot.
     
    Mark Watson likes this.
  19. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    @Wade W. Wilson: what are you actively doing to help stop PM'ing?

    Just stopping isn't possible / it doesn't work. You have to replace it with other things, good things.

    I recomment starting a journal here on NoFap and write in it daily.
    Read and stay connected to all the threads and comments in the Rebooting in a Relationship forum.

    What porn blocking tools have you installed on your laptop/computer and/or home WiFi router?
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2018
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  20. Lukas99

    Lukas99 Fapstronaut

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    I would say, try it all out. See if it brings benefits without masturbating. Also check out some success stories, and get yourself motivated. I'm sure you would appreciate your wife more without masturbating
     

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