Toughest time of my life

I´ll try my best but just for your notice, it´s quite hard to put those experiences into words, words don´t seem fitting enough. Whenever I explain it to someone who hasn´t experienced it they try to understand it but always fail to get the significance it had/has for me. Which is a good thing, because they didn´t have to go thorugh it and hopefully never will.

It started around July last year i would say.. Its hard to be excat because it was a creeping process and at first I thought I was just not "enlightenend" anymore. The first time of a real panic attack was during a festival at the end of September where I tried to fix myself mentally by taking alcohol, weed, ketamin, LSD and mushrooms over the period of 3 days. I felt crazy, like i lost my mind, people would frighten me because I thought they see what I´m going through or actually I don´t really know why they frightened me. It was probably more because whenever I spoke to someone I felt so insecure because I didn´t recognise my voice, I didn´t feel my body, I didn´t know what to say because my thoughs were not really mine. Also they didn´t seem to be human, my own friends seemed so strange to me. It was very scary and overwhelming. I ended up spending most of the festival hidden in my tent, hoping that this will all be over soon and that no one is gonna check on me. Metaphorically speaking I was like a frightened little rabbit that was too afraid to come out of his hole.

The 2 years before the dp/dr happened I lived in Australia and New Zealand for a year each (I was born in Germany) and I started this whole journey because I was so unhappy with myself but felt like I need to change the cirrcumstancees I`m living in in order to change myself.
I started meditating a few years prior to that, but during my travels I really got into it and saw more and more benefits from it. I was getting a lot out of my comfort zone, learnt to leave my social anxiety behind and at some point maybe april/may last year it felt like I finally knew who I am.
I was free of the false sense of material security (I for example gave away my macbook to a really inspiring guy who sadly had to go to prison. Playing League of Legends was his only way to distract himself and not cry all day or end up being high or drunk all the time).
I was also free of the influence from others. I had this deep feeling of security, happiness, optimism and was so content with myself.

One of my favorite quotes during that time was:
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others.
Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval.
Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
― Lao Tzu

I learnt how to distinguish between myself and my ego and was able to completely realease my ego and just be myself. So for example if people in a group would make fun of someone and I saw that it hurt him although he was overplaying it then I always told him something sincerely positive that i felt towards this person. I was so true, left my mask that i wore before behind. Due to that I was compassionately able to see through the mask of others and speak to/with their true self behind their mask.

I don´t really know what changed during that time, but suddenly I just felt weird. I think one mistake of me was that I wanted to hold on to that state of pure happiness and love and couldn´t accept the changes that were happening and which I didn´t understand.

I was acting a lot in the next few months, because I believed that I am that enlightenend person and then I wasn´t myself anymore. Like I lost touch to my soul. To my true nature.
Before I was pure awareness, my senses felt like superpowers, suddenly I had the brain fog again and felt down all the time. It was like after you took some drug and you fall into the pit for a few days after the high. I guess I didn´t accept myself anymore. I just accepted the best version of myself.

In retroperspectve I think another mistake of mine was to give too much. You know I felt so good, so energetic, so positive, so active and then I saw everyone around me being in a bad mood most of the time I helped them. So I deeply listened to them not in a judgemental way and not that I just wanted to state my own opinion afterwards. I was so convinced of my own knowledge but at the same time open for new. I had this deep interest in other people, wanted to get to know who they really are and felt so connected to them. I started activities, took over responsibilities from them, gave them advice, ,massaged them and soon became known as the Buddha/Ghandi of the hostel. I also lend a few people quite some money, because it lost it´s meaning for me. I knew that money couldn´t give me happiness, but meaningful, sincere and deep relationships and conversations could.

I had no worries for the future, because I knew that I could overcome everything, actually I saw noothing as a problem but was always there with a solution. I made peace with my past as well.

Well you didn´t really ask for all of this, but I feel it puts my experience in a larger perspective and I also feel that this "enlightened" phase I had and my dp/dr are strongly connected, maybe even two sides of the same coin.

How did I overcome it ? I can´t say that I have fully overcome it, yet. But I´m getting closer and closer each day. Hmm it´s hard to describe what I´ve tried, because it contains too many things to write down, most of them internally since it´s a thing within myself.
I spoke to heaps of people about it, tried being really active physically, tried to ignore it, tried to put on different perspectives about my situation, I am in therapy at the moment, I tried just distracting myself, I tried facing my fears, I tried socialising, I tried lonelyness, I tried yoga and meditation, I tried reading about it, I tried speaking with people who made/ are making similar experiences, I tried accepting it, I tried seeing positive in it, I tried really embracing it asf...

 

That´s awesome to hear are you able to feel that present during other activities as well ?

 

How would you describe that sothing feeling ? I´m slowly able to enjoy i as well, make my peace with it, just let it happen.
No worries, I know that i´ll recover from it the big panic attacks are part of the past already, it´s more feelings of insecurity and uncomfortableness at the moment, but they are not 24/7 anymore

What is extraneous exercise ? Yes I was practicing a lot of yoga, especially in the beginning of the sensations, it helped me on the one hand to relief some stress. On the other hand it build up more stress because I was always remembered that I had a different body feeling while doing yoga and that it´s all sp different now. But meditation definetely helps

How is your dp/dr experience? I guess it´s in episodes ? Awesome to hear, that you just accepted it as something natural and weren´t overwhelmed by it That´s some real strength and healthy attitudes you have

 

Thanks man, may you be blessed double the amount
Have a great day

 

What helps me the most at the moment is a mixture of ignoring the sensations and just letting it happen/accepting it. Then I realised that I was always focussing my energy on how I am feeling right now, so I shifted my paradigm to: I´m gonna do things now that will make me feel better/healthier in the future. No matter how I feel about it right now..

So I´m changing my diet to more raw food and more veggies (I´m vegan but ate a lot of sweets and soy products), less sugar, drinking more (only water and tea), going for a run each day, working out a couple of days in the week, reading, meditating asf.. they all feel weird right now, as everything else, but it´s gonna help me feeling better in the future I believe

 

Wow sometimes I´m amazed how the universe is working, I just got a book about half an hour ago which says the same, that it´s part of my spiritual awakening process and now you post that I´m gonna read "Letting go" as well, thanks for the recommodation Do you have any Idea how to find a guide? And how is your NoFap journey going ?
Lots of love to you brother

 

I´m sure you will, if you´re open to it I think its something yoou hhave to let it happen, you can´t push it..
Hm yeah that´s a very good call, I´ll look into that thank you.
With your mindset you will for sure achieve your goals, I believe in you What´s your longest streak so far and what is your goal ?

 

Thank you, same for you Yeah no more drugs in the near future, my brain needs a break

 

Wow 7 days on you first and second go is awesome How long have you been practicing P&M for ? Oh it will for sure, it´s gonna be a completely different experience once your brain resets Did you speak with your wife about it ?

 

Haha she seems to have a really great attitude as well, I´m glad you two have each other Hmm ok so you´ve been addicted for a long time, in my opinion the best option then is to abstain from O for at least 30 days as well, makes the reboot a bit faster I feel, but it´s your journey and I´m sure you have a good feeling on how to do this

 

You have the strength to do it, you are so powerful Well there are more ways to satisfy your wife than regular sex Would she be ok to take a sex break for a month? You could still make her O so her needs are fullfilled. It might benefit both of you greatly, since it would boost your benefits from NoFap. Have you read about the perks of semen retention (doesn´t have to be too long)?