hardcore wet dream avoiding - this thread is not serious!

Ah, yes. A wet dream thread where we can talk utter bollocks and not be told off. I hope clumsy turns up. Then this thread will be a hundred pages by the end of the week if he does.

I had a dream last night. I saw clumsy in his shed. He's sat on a chair. All I see is him from behind. I venture nearer and it looks like he's masturbating from where I'm standing. His hand and arm are pumping up and down.

"Clumsy!" I shout, outraged.
"What do you bloody want? I told you not come to this place! You're not welcome! GO!" He says turning his head, shouting back.
"You're masturbating though."
"NO I AM NOT!" He says, turning around, clasping the trumpet he's been polishing.
"Ah, I see."
"Yes, this trumpet polishing helps my arm strength. Since I stopped masturbating, my right arm has all but withered away to skin and bone." Clusmy points to a picture on the wall. In it, he flexes his massive biceps as they were.

In the corner of the shed, a rattling sound is heard, followed by a whimper.
"H-H-Help me." The troubled voice says in pain.

Clumsy gets up and walks towards the noise. He pulls off a bit of tarpaulin to reveal a cage. There's a man inside.

Clumsy stands there with a beaming smile.
"This is Antonio Milian, the Italian porn star. My enforcers- er, volunteers grabbed him last month."
"But why?" I ask, stunned at the poor condition of the now feeble and weak porn star.
"Why? My research, of course. Experiments must be done, dear boy. I, a good doctor must know my enemy. You can't cure a cancer without working with it."
"Cancer!" I shout back, dismissive.
"Yes. Pornography is the plague in the minds of men. This filth is my fifth subject. The other four are gone."
"Other four, clumsy?"
"Yes.. Melinos Crack, Shelly Suxxx, Bendi Over, and Johnnie Condom."
"What happened to them, Doctor?"
"They did not survive the enemas."
"ENEMAS!?"

Clumsy looks in at the man in cage and waves at him.
"Hello Antonio." Clumsy says, still waving.

Antonio spits at Clumsy. Clumsy then wipes the spit from his forehead.

"See, dear boy.." He says pointing at me and then back at the man in the cage. "..These creatures are filth. Nothing but filth. I will introduce electrodes to each of his testes later for that. My important research must resume."
"You're insane!" I bark at him.
"SI! INSANE!" Antonio screams.

Clumsy walks back to his desk, picks up a cattle prod and walks back to the cage.
"You must learn, Antonio.. YOU MUST LEARN. I AM YOUR MASTER, YOU FILTHY MASTURBATOR." Clusmy says, thrusting the cattle prod into the cage and electrocuting a screaming Antonio.

After this Clumsy seems tired and immediately drops down on the floor, next to the cage.
"What are you doing, Clumsy?" I ask.
"I'm going to sleep.. Now please leave."
"Why on the piss soaked floor?"
"Wet dreams. If I lie here, I won't have them."

Antonio seeing an opportunity for revenge, pulls out his manhood and urinates on Clumsy, through the cage.
"You may continue, Antonio. This is for my research too."

Antonio sighs, puts his manhood back in his pants and sits in the corner of the cage in a huff.

 

Thanks- I will, if you like. I'm used to writing (especially comedy ), Otto, so a post like that isn't that hard for me.

Laughter is the best medicine for us, maybe.

I'm curious to know what clumsy will make of this though.

You indeed will be Clumsy's apprentice, I promise.

 

Clumsy has yet to discover this wonderful thread. What a shame.

 

One day I will write a book, but it won't have Clumsy in. He's an interesting character though. An ardent anti-masturbator, who probably shouts and screams a lot at his computer screen when he sees something he doesn't agree with.

 

lel
This helped me -
1)Lay down in your backyard and pretend your a carrot(carrots don't have wet dreams DUH)
2)Sleep with your eyes open
3)Sleep under some bridge with other homeless people with a note+20$ saying hj me because wet dreams suck (hj is better you know , right ??)
4)Sleep only with your head on your pillow, the rest of your body should be in the air(especially your junk so you don't wet dream)
5)Bathe in the nearby canal at night cause probably the water will be cold so its free cold shower.Cold shower = god mode sleep

(For helping friends)1)Stay up all night simulating barking noises so your room mate can't have wet dreams because he can't sleep.

Regards,
Anti-Wet Dreams master 2014

 

Antonio died? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Otto stands helpless and crying. His training poor, the Italian Pornstar dead as a result.
"Mein Gott! What have I done?" Otto whines pathetically, wiping his bloody hands on his shirt.

Suddenly the door is barged open. It's Clumsy.

"Holy fuck, Otto! Are you insane?" Clumsy yelps, walking over to Otto and kneeling beside the body of Antonio. "You're Crazy. That's the sickest shit ever, my friend. A chainsaw. Oh god."

"I didn't mean to kill him." Otto says, his voice wavering with emotion, his eyes welling with fresh tears.
"What were you trying to do then?" Clumsy asks, pointing at the dismembered legs.
"I wanted to chop off his wiener."
"Ah..With a chainsaw?"
"Yes."
"Why not with a scalpel on an operating table, eh?" Clumsy says, bemused, grabbing at the Pornstar's limp penis.
"Ich..I'm new and untrained."
"Right."
"Ja. Yes. Untrained."
"So use a chainsaw, huh?"
"I'm sorry, Doctor." Otto whimpers, his hands in a prayer type clasp.

Clumsy looks at his notes in his 1980's filofax.

"I couldn't get to Argentina, Otto. They're calling me an extremist and have banned me from all international flights."
"Extremist?"
"Yes, extremist. They see my important research as dangerous, but I'm never as extreme as you, Otto...Clean up this mess, at once. Take the body into the garden and burn it too. Just make sure the neighbours don't see you."
"Okay, Doctor."

Clumsy thumbs through his notes.

"Yes, after you're done you need to help me catch another one of those nefarious and evil porno actors..Big Dick Dongle is his actor name, real name Craig Smith."

 

Nice list. Simulating barking noises.. I could try the with Clumsy, when I find out where he lives.

 

Two police officers investigate Clumsy's parents back garden.

"Look there!" An officer says, kicking a pile of ashes.
"Yes, there's been a fire here. No bloody body though." The other officer says kicking the ashes, not noticing a bone that pokes out of the ground.
"The old lady next door is old bat, totally off her rocker. The kid hasn't done anything, let's go."

As the officer's leave an old woman's voice shouts over the fence: "Did you find that body they were burning?"
"Thank you for wasting police time, Mrs Maybury. Do it again, and we'll take you down the station"

The officers walk off, exiting through the back gate, they pass a large African-American man - Big Dick Dongle. He stands clueless and lost, wearing a Tiger patterned onesie and fluffy pink shoes.
"Is this the Doctor's house?" Big Dick asks one of the officers.
"An American, eh?"
"Yes. Clumsy live here?"
"Ah yeah. Doctor Clumsy, the genius wunderkind. Yes, he's in the shed apparently. We left him alone."
"He in trouble?"
"No, not at all. Just a minor complaint about smoke is all, Sir."

Back at the shed, Clumsy and Otto peer outside through the curtains, anxiously waiting to see if the police have really left.
"Thank God...They've gone, Otto."
"Phew." Otto says under his breath.

Clumsy grabs two tabby cats and a small Labrador puppy.
"Watch this, otto!" Clusmy says with a devilish tone.

Clumsy walks out in the garden and moves towards the fence. Sensing the old woman is on the other side he tosses over both cats and the hurls the puppy over like a its a javelin. The old woman yelps and thud is heard as she's hit by the puppy.

"He's a mentalist." Otto gasps, shocked, standing at the shed entrance.

Clumsy bounds back toward the shed just as the Back gate opens and Big Dick walks in.
"Quick Otto, get the cattle prod..this fuckers a big one! I had no idea he was 7-foot fuckin' tall!" Clumsy says whilst smiling at the newest guest.

 

Make a comic book guys.

 

I'm sure thackeray can do it

 

Sound likes a challenge. I'll give it a go.

 

Several week's pass since Big Dick Dongle's disappearance. The porn industry is a state of shock at the loss of one of its biggest stars.

Porn stars can be seen all over California putting up 'Missing' posters and Big Dick's face can now be seen milk carton's all over America.

Not knowing he'd gone to England, Big Dick's followers assume the worst. Maybe he leapt from a bridge, was killed by the porn mafia, or joined a religion.

On porn sets all over California, a minute's silence in remembrance of Big Dick is becoming a common occurrence.

Ron Jeremy is said to be beside himself, depressed at the loss of Big Dick. Wandering the street's, he's been seen howling "Big Dick! Big Dick!" all over California, whilst naked and clutching bottles of super-strength beer.

The industry is in complete meltdown.

----

Back in Clumsy's shed, an emaciated and starved Big Dick dribbles all over himself.

"This man is dying!" Otto says with concern.
"I don't care." Clumsy retorts.
"But-"
"But nothing, Otto! If we keep him alive we're done for."
"Nein! This isn't right!"
"Shut it, Otto. Now give me your Luger."
Otto shakes his head.
"Luger?"
"Yes, the gun you always carry around."
"I have no Luger."
"All Germans have Luger's on them, at all times."
"That's a racist lie!" Screams Otto.
"Oh.. Sorry, Otto. You must forgive me."

Clumsy leaves the shed. Feeling concern for Big Dick, Otto opens the cage of the imprisoned man. He wipes the forehead of Big Dick with a wet cloth and let's him sup water from a glass.
"I will help you Big Dick" Otto says to the big man.
Big Dick nods and mumbles, but is too weak to talk.
"It's okay, it's okay. Just you stay strong and I'll free you." Otto reassures Big Dick.

Otto turns his head and immediately jumps up and away from the big man. Clumsy stands with an axe wielded in the air.
"HELP THE PORNOGRAPHER, EH!?" Clumsy shrieks, smashing the axe into the flesh of the helpless Big Dick.
Otto stands frozen in shock, speechless, unable to comprehend what he's witnessing as blow after blow, Clumsy cuts Big Dick down. Blood flies everywhere. Clumsy wears a crazed smile as more strikes hit the now dead Big Dick.
"STOP!!!!" Otto cries.
"Yes. Yes. Yes. Stop. Stop. Stop" Clumsy says to himself.
"You're mad."
"No Otto.. Do you realize what this has done to help our cause. This man being gone has helped almost brought down the entire porn industry. The longer he's gone, the more chance that the whole industry will implode and vanish.. forever!"

Clumsy throws the axe to ground, it clatters to ground almost as if in slow motion. Otto looks in the cage again, his eyes widen, he vomits and then faints to ground. Guts, broken flesh, blood and bone. Big Dick is very dead.

Clumsy walks to the hi-if on the wall, turns it on and puts in a CD (The best of Prefab Sprout).
King of Rock 'N' Rock by Prefab Sprout plays. Clumsy dances awkwardly.
[video=youtube;4T6e3GJCjow]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T6e3GJCjow[/video]