1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

A Woman's Understanding. (From a Woman.)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Nageroma, Sep 16, 2014.

  1. Nageroma

    Nageroma Fapstronaut

    45
    8
    8
    When it comes to women and their significant others addiction, it's hard to tell how they'll handle it and react to it. Most of the time it's filled with confusion, betrayal, anger, and not understanding. And, it's understandable that it would hurt them, but the addiction would be there with or without them there, it would still be affecting the man and dragging him down. The issue is not being able to step outside your emotional box and put your shoes into what your boyfriend, or husband is going through. By doing that and allowing him to be open with you, then it's not only better for him, it's also better for you in terms of being patient and understanding.

    A relationship isn't about what you can get out of it. It isn't a selfish journey, and if it is based on self, it isn't going to last very long. It's about helping the other person and taking care of them. People may throw out "Well, porn isn't helping his girlfriend/wife any", and it isn't, but by including her in the process of healing is helping her. It is supposed to draw her closer. Yet if women react based on strictly what they are feeling and make it a point to "punish" their man because of it, then that is only damaging him and his heart. He is already going through a difficult time and needs support and a help meet.

    Women look at this and say "How could you do this to me?" they take it as a blow to them and what they are, or aren't doing. It may seem like a normal reaction, but it's actually a very selfish thought. You aren't considering what he's going through, and you aren't considering how long he's been struggling. Patience is something we all need and want; someone that is understanding (even if it hard for them to really understand) but they make an effort in being supportive.

    I would understand the frustration if he was continuing the porn use, and not making an effort to stop - but when he comes up to you and tells you, tries to include you, then everything else needs to stop. No more "How could you", or "You're being selfish", no more trying to turn it around on him by making him feel small and insignificant. This is something that I've been thinking over these last couple weeks and it's really driven home the seriousness of being there for your partner. No matter what they are going through, death do us part doesn't mean when things get rough then you run away or beat them down to submission because you can't understand.

    Thoughts and feedback welcome.
     
  2. Fidelacchius

    Fidelacchius New Fapstronaut

    3
    0
    1
    That was very elegantly stated. I was in a similar situation and my partner at the time took it badly. I did not realize at the time but it hurt me a lot. I think it would have been better if we could have talked it out a bit more. I now realize how many insecurities I have had over my addiction because of feeling like a freak after that.

    Thanks for the good post.
     
  3. Nageroma

    Nageroma Fapstronaut

    45
    8
    8
    I'm very sorry you had to experience that. Let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with you, and an addiction needs to be taken care of. A lot of men struggle with it and we're very glad you're here.

    Insecurities can be there even if we don't think they are, or acknowledge them. It may take a while to overcome those feelings as well as the addiction, but I believe that you'll be able to. Not only is it not who you are, but there is a life for you outside the walls of addiction.

    Stay strong!
     
  4. e5s

    e5s Fapstronaut

    324
    58
    28
    I think this is essentially the difference between nurturing vs. destructive relationships.

    In the household I grew up in, weakness of any kind had to be hidden. Fears, loves, hates, anything could be used against you. I watched my parents (both) wait until the other was hurting and vulnerable, and choose that moment for the most vicious attacks. It's like they had planned and saved for the moment, and waited until the other was properly exposed. As an adult, I figure this is a hallmark of a abusive relationship.

    I don't think it's a unique pattern for either gender, though porn is a weakness particular to men.

    Personally, I can only be grateful for having witnessed such awful behavior early in life. It was instructive, and it gives me a fuller appreciation for the loving relationships that I have found (though the sweetness continues to surprise me again and again).
     
  5. Nageroma

    Nageroma Fapstronaut

    45
    8
    8
    I grew up in that same type of environment. My adoptive mother has a habit of throwing things in her husbands face when he's at his worst and he can no longer tell her anything. It's a horrible way to live and it's horrible for children to see.

    I'm glad that I was able to realize that isn't how it's supposed to be, and I'm certainly glad you're getting passed it. The little things people say to each other can destroy or build someone up. We always have to make sure we don't (intentionally) try to hurt someone. Something that is also missing is apologies and making sure children hear their parents say "Sorry" not only to each other, but to them as well.
     
  6. Finalfight123

    Finalfight123 Fapstronaut

    457
    15
    18
    I think this comes back to what I've said before and thats that men are supposed to be this rock with no weakness just adamant in everything we do. But men and women have weaknesses its who we are no ones adamant its just to high a standard.

    Its possible for a long time to hide that you watch porn so it can totally be a shock or they already knew and were waiting for you to tell them. I think the persons reaction is really not shock but their character. If it is truly a fifty fifty relationship where the both partners take on more of the load time to time and vice versa then I think they would respond and it might be difficult but over time be able to accept it. I would hope I haven't been in this situation I'm afraid.

    So do you have a partner who told you or someone who came to you for help? You seem very knowledgeable and I hope if I ever get a girlfriend that she's as well, understanding as you. I'm sorry about your parents that sounds rough. Well good luck to you
     
  7. Nageroma

    Nageroma Fapstronaut

    45
    8
    8
    I never went on the relationship being 50/50, I went on it being 100/100. To me, that's giving all and nothing else, and once that understanding is in place, not a lot can destroy it.

    But, to answer your question, yes. I'm getting married in October to a wonderful man, and he's always been open and honest about his addiction. I'm very grateful for that. He's actually the main one who joined NoFap and I just jumped in right along. :)
     
  8. Weiland

    Weiland Fapstronaut

    171
    10
    18
  9. Nageroma

    Nageroma Fapstronaut

    45
    8
    8
    Hiii there, sweety. :)
     
  10. singed

    singed Fapstronaut

    394
    4
    18
    Last year when I quit PMO, my wife was initially very supportive and understanding. Or at least she was outwardly. She knew more about addiction than I did, because of her experience with her alcoholic brother. But we were also simultaneously dealing with issues about her (I won't go into that again right now), about which she was very insecure and unable to be very open about. Whenever she got too uncomfortable as I tried to discuss things (sincerely and non-judgementally, despite her perceptions), she would lash out and throw my addiction in my face. I continued to be open with her, but it got to the point that if I told her I was tempted, her insecurity won out over her rationality and she would make it into a guilt trip about her inadequacy. I finally had to cut her out of my recovery, which then contributed to my eight and a half month relapse. I guess my point is, I wish all significant others could be as supportive as you, Nageroma.
     
  11. Weiland

    Weiland Fapstronaut

    171
    10
    18
    I think you just proved every point I've been trying to make about irrational spouses in one single post. Kudos.
     
  12. singed

    singed Fapstronaut

    394
    4
    18
    Hmm. Now I'm interested in reading your posts on irrational spouses. I pulled up your list of recent posts and couldn't guess to which ones you might be referring. Can you direct me to the other discussions?
     
  13. Weiland

    Weiland Fapstronaut

    171
    10
    18
    About half of them, actually. The thread titles I post to are telling since I usually keep on-topic for the most part. My first reference on the topic was actually a rant. :p
     
  14. falk

    falk Fapstronaut

    21
    0
    1
    I think it is fair to say that we are all irrational, and we need to cut each other some slack. I have insecurities, and my partner's insecurities about her own adequacy magnify her irrational response to my failures - but I do the same, not deliberately, but just because I am a weak fallen human being and I am afraid inside. We have to stop blaming each other, and bear with each other's weakness - even if that means I silently put up with an irrational response to my own weakness. After all, I am an addict to PMO because of my irrational response to impulses that will harm me and those I love in the long term - so who am I to throw the first stone?
     
  15. singed

    singed Fapstronaut

    394
    4
    18
    I agree with you in principle, falk. But in the big emotional turmoil that was last spring, we both had reasons to feel insecure. Irrational, maybe, but understandable. The difference is I chose to try to calmly explore and talk through my insecurities. She chose to suppress hers (the majority of which were not actually rooted in my addiction) until she couldn't manage, then explode in shockingly hateful rages that she dismissed as simply "feeling defensive." So I am forced to "silently put up with" never being able to express my insecurities and tip-toeing around subjects to avoid provoking hers. The responsibility for coping with both of our insecurities falls on me. I love her, obviously. I'm still with her 18 months later. But I cannot help but feel that the process has been unfair.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2014
  16. falk

    falk Fapstronaut

    21
    0
    1
    I get that singed - the process usually is unfair, and many times the burden of doing the right thing does fall on one person. I don't mean to blame anyone, and its probably useful to realise that someone else is being unfair, since it helps to realise that its not just me in the wrong. But, it also is good to try to understand that other people make shocking mistakes, and they are just being human, and part of making a partnership work is to work around that.
     
  17. singed

    singed Fapstronaut

    394
    4
    18
    Yes, I'm doing my best to accept her mistakes and shortcomings (as she does mine, mostly), even when it exacerbates my mood issues. But it also helps to have someplace to vent about it sometimes. ;)
     
  18. Nofapricus

    Nofapricus Fapstronaut

    6
    0
    1
    This is true, most people ironically forget we are just human. And I think what makes a relationship really strong is not solely on fixing problems/carrying a burden necessarily but how understanding each of the individuals are of each other, and knowing how to openly communicate about it. That process is a real trial of the love, and takes a lot of patience.
     
  19. falk

    falk Fapstronaut

    21
    0
    1
    Well, that is completely true, and I guess its why were here, we are in this together and can understand each other and where we are at!
     
  20. singed

    singed Fapstronaut

    394
    4
    18
    Yup. *brofist*
    Ok, I've been drinking.
     

Share This Page