Mind of an addict

Fighter84 · Dec 8, 2017

Empty Red Cloud said: ↑

I wouldn't answer the phone or open the door when my friend came knocking during my PMO sessions. Eventually people stopped caring about me. I lost all my real friends for fake imaginary pornstars..
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Tryingto said: ↑

Having just read through the latest in this thread, I was sitting here considering what @Fighter84 had shared, considering the impacts of this addiction on my life when @Empty Red Cloud 's post appeared.

Curiously, this is exactly what I was thinking about! How the images I saw onscreen - especially the faces, interestingly enough; especially the eyes - became the centre of my relational life. They became my 'friends' and I spent much of each day longing to return to their company. To the sense of acceptance and escape I believed they offered.

It all seems so crazy as I type the words out here, but crazy or not it is true. And while I have come a very long way in recovery, it still is true to some extent. I still miss my 'friends' and this is one of the pulls / seductions I have to be very, very wary of as I deepen my sobriety. It's so easy to slip into believing that one little 'reunion' would do no harm. But as we all know...
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I’m really touched by everyone’s experiences shared here. This odd connection to PMO is such a strange experience to have. I totally feel that comment about forsaking real relationships for fake screen relationships. I definitely can identify with not picking up my phone. I ignored everything to engage with PMO. Certain elements and identities definitely weaved their way into my mind to take up permanent residence. Nothing good to dwell on there except the realization that I need to accept the loss and, in some way, mourn the loss of these connections my brain has come to rely on for comfort.

Beach said: ↑

Thank you so much for your beautiful reply. Please keep this in your personal journal for reflection. It’s something you want to always remember in terms of where your sex addiction took you and what it’s done to your life. This is the “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” (AA Big Book) we reached that is the force driving us to recovery. I have felt everything you wrote, and my SAA friends have been to this place too. There is hope, always, and this life we’ve known is already moving to the past as we’re both in a little better place today than we were yesterday or weeks/months past.

I’m really moved and am feeling emotional, thank you.
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Beach, appreciate the kind words and advice. It is good to know I’m not as alone as I think. As I write this, I’m surrounded by people who have no clue what I’m really feeling. Thank you, and everyone here, for being willing to listen and share. It makes all the difference in the world. Today I started feeling like, while I may be in hell, there is hope. There is a future where I am healed and I move on with my life, where I regain he ability to be appropriately intimate in a healthy way with men and women again. That’s what I’m keeping my eye on.

Really grateful to all of you!

Tryingto · Dec 8, 2017

Fighter84 said: ↑

Certain elements and identities definitely weaved their way into my mind to take up permanent residence. Nothing good to dwell on there except the realization that I need to accept the loss and, in some way, mourn the loss of these connections my brain has come to rely on for comfort.
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This has been a long-standing - and most unexpected - aspect of my recovery process, @Fighter84. With every step deeper into sobriety, it seems an edge of sadness arises and a period of mourning is called for. Both of these are for the 'friends' I've lost by coming clean, those whose "identities definitely weaved their way into my mind to take up permanent residence."

It's easy to be dismissive of this, of course. Addictive as it might have been, however, those 'relationships' both felt real for me and performed some very real functions in my life. Given this, some grief seems understandable, seems appropriate.

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Mind of an addict

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