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my mission to please my wife

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by craigyJ, Sep 11, 2014.

  1. craigyJ

    craigyJ Fapstronaut

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    I am starting a 30 day mission as of today. I have a problem since before meeting my wife 10 years ago when we were 17. I'm sick of it. She always comment on me being frigid nowadays and says i never want it. She thinks its her. I live her so much but without the sex it has become more of a best friend bond with no intimacy. When we have sex i feel myself really trying to stay erect and this causes me to stress out and loose it. Its so embarrassing . She would not like it if i told her my addiction in the slightest. U would want to see an improvement in myself before letting her know what ive been up to. Im hoping that after my 30 days i can last when we have sex and start exploring more with her again. We talk about having kids in the next few years and i want to enjoy us trying. She is sexy and i love her so much. I just want us to be more active.

    I bath everyday and masterbate while doing so. I get home an hour before her from work. These are the times i watch p. I need to do something to stop this. I have my own gym at home and have bought a road bike. I need to start concentrating on using these instead of watching p.

    Any tips or advice would be welcome. Wish me luck!
     
  2. jmark

    jmark Banned

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    My tip: tell your wife what you've been hiding from her. You owe her that. This is the first step to recovery.
     
  3. e5s

    e5s Fapstronaut

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    Suggestion: bathe together. See if she'll agree to do so every day for a period of time. How you sell the idea is up to you, either confess to your shower habit or play it off as a fun way of getting closer. If one thing leads to another, that can become a nice transitional habit that brings you back to your wife.
     
  4. hammer

    hammer Guest

    I agree with and suggest the above two posts, but another alternative is installing a program to block your porn, there are many out there but I've heard K-9 is good (there are many resources on this website with a bunch of em), and then utilise your home gym while she's at work! When bathing just focus on not touching your dick (except for washing of course) and if you do succumb stop yourself and ask yourself these questions: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/the-ten-questions-of-relapse-prevention and remind yourself of your goal! Good luck!
     
  5. Man of Honor

    Man of Honor Fapstronaut

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    Telling her is going to be hard and hurtful but it has to happen. If you shrink back from being truthful with your wife then you will always have an easy escape. After telling my wife and seeing the intense pain it caused her I saw how truly selfish and horrible my habit was. I'll be honest that didn't kick the habit right away but it started me down the right path. Get accountability. Read the posts on this site and check out yourbrainonporn.com for inspiration. You need to tell her. Intimacy is t just about being naked physically. You also have to bare all emotionally.
     
  6. e5s

    e5s Fapstronaut

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    Respectfully, Man of Honor, I think craigyj is right to be hesitant to tell his wife at the moment. If she's complaining that he's frigid, she's probably worried that it's not as much disinterest in sex as it is disinterest in her. No sex followed by, "Oh, yeah, Honey, I masturbate daily."? Well, how would you feel if your partner said that to you? Ouch.
     
  7. Weiland

    Weiland Fapstronaut

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    I've said this before, and I'll bring it back around this time as well: while the principle behind a clean confession to your wife is theoretically sound - and I know I've gone toe-to-toe with jmark on this before, but I never said it wasn't the right thing to do - diving head-first into this situation is asking to get impaled on a spike as reward for zealous effort. Fact: most women do not handle the idea of their SO being involved with PMO any better than they handle him cheating; to them, it's not all that different.

    There are different approaches, but in an already strained relationship where intimacy is on the rocks, the relationship itself is rather barren, there's no sex life to speak of, and where the wife is just as likely to castrate her husband (metaphorically, if not literally) for the admission, then coming straight out and saying, "Honey, I'm addicted to pornography. I masturbate to sexually explicit images.", isn't going to go over well.

    These situations have to be handled with kid gloves. Just dropping this on a wife, especially when she's neither prepared nor equipped to handle it or understand it, is asking for disaster. There's a time and a place, but merely dropping it on the living room floor like a dead carcass just because it's "the right thing to do" is folly. The wife isn't likely to give a damn about how noble the decision was to "man up". Relationships aren't all that stable these days, what with divorces basically used as a one-size-fits-all solution to marital problems.

    This is why, when I get a chance to talk with women who are dealing with an addicted SO, I try and help them understand what's really going on and dispel some misconceptions.
     
  8. Kedvesem

    Kedvesem Fapstronaut

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    What exactly do you tell these women, Weiland? I am quite interested to know.

    And do you think that admitting it is the right thing to do?

    There is a reason why women take this news badly: it is bad news. Though this addiction does not stem from a failing in the woman, it hurts her -- and that is because it is a hurtful action. They equate it to a form of cheating because it is. Would you advocate the same for a man having an affair?
     
  9. Weiland

    Weiland Fapstronaut

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    Over time, I've developed a level of maturity that allows me to approach a lot of Very Bad Things from a reinforced position. Yeah, the addiction is bad, but a person's reaction says a lot about who they are and where they are in life. A woman doesn't automatically have to react poorly the struggle of her SO; she just chooses to. Inherently, it's a self-centered thing when a woman does; a woman that is more concerned with her significant other might be personally bothered, but will be more concerned with the effect is has on her partner. Moreover, if a woman understand the nature of addiction, she's better equipped to comprehend what's going on.

    What causes women to flip out and to start reacting poorly is, in essence, their the immaturity and naivete. Immaturity, because they have a limited perspective, undeveloped understanding, and a focus that has not yet developed beyond the scope of herself; it is common to hear a woman struggling to come to terms with her partner's addiction with references to what it's putting her through and confusion as to what she did to deserve it. Naivete, because she underestimates our common enemy, which seeks to annihilate us with a well-developed, millienia-old expertise.

    In my personal relationships, I've seen with all but one exception women that cannot handle the reality of a pornography addiction. Perhaps it was often my poor choice in mate - I could have been less desperate, perhaps, and avoided the women that didn't have the wisdom and maturity to deal with stuff like that - but I've a few (a rare few, but a few) examples in other couples that have had to deal with it that are inspiring. I'm blessed to have one such girlfriend now who shares my burden and lifts me up and encourages me rather than debases, ridicules, and tries to control me.

    TL;DR - Honestly, I don't know what to do with those women. Bite the bullet, I guess. Hopefully, as a man, you've chosen one a mature mate. My efforts are more towards helping women that might read my works understand the nature of pornography and get past their self-centered (and I use that term very specifically) viewpoints.

    I don't really think you're asking honest questions, Ked. The way you phrase your statements, I can see a lot of jlaw rubbing off on you - which makes sense, since he's your other half. Your questions weren't honest ones, though; you didn't want an answer because you've already made up your mind. You're trying to convince me of something that I already know, but you fail to realize the issue: statistically, most women are a minefield when it comes to pornography.

    Whatever we do to correct the issue, bum-rushing directly into said minefield merely on the principle that "I'm doing the right thing" is going to do little other than cause unnecessary collateral damage. I have grudgingly admitted that openness and honesty is important, but equally important and absolutely vital is the wife's responsibility to respond to her husband not with a sharp tongue or judgement, but with compassion and love. No woman should ever treat her husband the way I see many treat theirs over this.
     
  10. Nageroma

    Nageroma Fapstronaut

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    I'll say it again, as a woman, women tend to react mostly on their emotions. If those emotions are based on anger, jealously, not understanding, then they are going to explode based strictly on what they are feeling. When it comes to addiction, unless they have been there themselves, women tend to be incapable of really understanding what men are going through. What's different with me? I couldn't really say, other than I've been around women who can't handle their temper or their emotions in general, and I see what it does to the man. It brings him down and shuts him completely out. Whether it's from addiction or not, men need support.

    You should tell your wife about your addiction, but you have to be aware and very careful how you tell her unless you know for certain she'll be able to handle it. It'll save you a lot of heartache (and headaches) knowing. It's not something you should hide, but it's also not something you should be talked down to about or belittled for. Any type of addiction is hard to get over, porn is no exception. And you need someone to support you through thick and thin.

    Also, it isn't about the woman. Just wanted to add that. It may be a hurtful action, but it would go on with or without her there. And it does nothing to attack him for it.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2014
  11. jmark

    jmark Banned

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    When to tell her?

    Here's a good rule of thumb: sometime before either you or she dies.
     
  12. e5s

    e5s Fapstronaut

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    You're not wrong, however, statistically, you don't have a huge data set to work with. Personal experience is always biased. Folks tend to cluster in similar groups.
    This may be picking, but from your tone, it sounds like you're kinda throwing up your hands like, "women be crazy!" and not focusing on the fact that, well duh, this is a situation that calls for extreme tact in any case. Men aren't any less emotional when their partners admit to something that sounds like infidelity to them. Turn the tables around for a minute. Say your girl says she's addicted to hoots and hollers from admiring fans of her ass. No in-person stuff, just pics. That's going to be a calm and rational discussion?
     
  13. hopepeacelove

    hopepeacelove Fapstronaut

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    LONG STORY SHORT,

    Tell it to your wife but do it tactfully.

    Ked and Weiland are both right actually they just have different approaches. People we should all tone down because we're all here to help one another. :)
     
  14. PVG

    PVG Fapstronaut

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    Hi Craigyj

    When I joined this forum, that also was my mission. Pleasing my wife, so from my perspective, you have the correct mind set. You have a reason to do this and a very important one.

    On my case, PMO had generated severe ED and PE, so I came a point I was to embarrassed to have intimacy with her. My problem is that this lasted nearly 10 years. So, it came the day, she blew up. Basically she told me that if I did not fixed my problem she will leave me. The love of my life, about to leave me because my addiction. This really terrified me.

    So appart from the techniques, videos and this forum that really helped me a lot to overcome the addiction, my main issue was how in hell do I get closer to her if I cannot have an erection !!. So after forgiving myself for been so stupid for so long, and once understanding the root cause of my problem, I talked to her, I did not told her about my PMO addiction (knowing her, it would have been worse to tell her this than I was having an affair, mainly because cultural reasons).

    So I told my wife a partial truth, I was simply to embarrassed to have sex because I could not function properly. I also told her that even I could not penetrate her, I would do my best to please her.

    So I went to work, I had long sesions of oral sex with her. She was pleased, I felt better, so this, added to the fact that I had totally stopped the PMO, generated a
    virtuous circle and suddenly I started to get erections and my desire for her was normal again.

    At this point, 275 days later, I can tell you that sexual life with my wife is back to normal. I have some episodes of DE or PE, but you need to consider I am not 25 anymore and I have a heart condition, but in general, my wife is as happy sexually as the first time we had sex 20 years ago.

    So, from my point of view is that telling her the entire truth will not help What it will, is your total commintment on pleasing her and to do so, you need to stop once and for all PMO. This in my case, returned my life back.

    If you want to check my personal log:

    http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?3050-PVG-Log

    Stay strong.
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2014
  15. Man of Honor

    Man of Honor Fapstronaut

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    You know your woman better than we do. You know yourself better than we do. If you are using the arguments posted to keep yourself safe and able to hide your habit and thus stay in your habit then the issue is bigger than protecting your wife from the truth. You have to want it. For me, telling my wife was terrible and it hurt her greatly, but we made it through. Now I don't have to shamefully hide the truth. Seeing her reaction inspired me to want to change. Now that I have been pure for over 30 days I see a huge difference. Sex with her is better. Our relationship is stronger. I am more confident and happy. You need to find motivation. Telling her or not telling her is the tip of an iceberg. You know what needs to happen. Stop kidding yourself. Start living in a way that allows you to see yourself in the mirror and be proud of that reflection. You can change!
     
  16. GasOilVetMom

    GasOilVetMom Fapstronaut

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    I have a few things to say before I comment on the whole "telling your wife" thing. Firstly, I notice that you say "I need to start ....". This comes from a good place of wanting change but it is somewhat passive. Try saying "I want to start ...." or "I am going to start ...". I have found that the way I talk to myself inside my head is actually pretty significant. It may sound trivial or not helpful, and that's okay, but it is something that my therapist said to me one day and it has helped me. It can be tempting to feel helpless or trapped but it is important not to submit to this feelings because they are ONLY feelings.

    You don't have to let the feelings kidnap you.

    The reality is that you're not perfect and you don't know how your wife will react because she's not perfect either (no one is perfect). Another fact is that she loves you enough to stay with you for 10 years complain because she wants to be intimate with you and you love her enough to get on a forum and try to make changes to your behavior so you can make her happy. Don't let these *facts* get covered up by all of the feelings involved (yours and hers).

    Next: It sounds like you have the right idea but especially if there are certain times of your day when you look at p, then *break up the cycle*. Go do an errand or get coffee or stay out for an extra hour so you aren't around without your wife. If you have to get home to let the dog out (I run into that problem) then go for a bike ride or a walk immediately afterward. It doesn't have to be something perfectly planned or productive. Just get out of there. When you make any kind of change to your routine the cycle can get weakened or break.

    Lastly, I do think it makes sense to talk to your wife about it but I think it is important to frame it as something that you are actively recovering from you can make her happy (because it's important to you that she is happy and she deserves to be :)). Try not to shy away from any of this. See it through even though it will be uncomfortable for both of you.

    I just got out of a 3.5 year relationship and my ex was as understanding as she could be but one thing that bothered her was when I didn't want to do stuff with her because I didn't think I could get hard or wasn't feeling confident. She used to tell me that she just wanted to be close to me. Okay, I better not start rambling about my ex... but the point again is not to shy away from the situation. Be close/intimate with her whenever possible even if it doesn't involve your erection or lack thereof. Get creative and let her know that even though you're embarrassed you're not afraid to try to be close to her because it's so important to you.

    At the end of the day, *you cannot control your wife's behavior, only your own.*

    Whatever you do, don't give up. You're on the right track!!
     
  17. e5s

    e5s Fapstronaut

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    THIS. This can't be emphasized enough. Your hardness doesn't have to be the star of the show. You've got the whole rest of your body to work with, and a million things to do with it.
     
  18. My opinion is the contrary. If you really change your life, there is no need to tell about the past.
    The past is gone.
     
  19. beauty

    beauty Fapstronaut

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    Yes the past is gone, but what if you run into problems in the future, the remnants of your past? Would it be useful if you spouse knew about your troubles, where they could offer support etc? Or perhaps, like you said, keeping it in the dark, and she will never truly understand what you are going through, on a deeper level.
     
  20. Weiland

    Weiland Fapstronaut

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    In regards to non-sexual interaction, I think you'll all find that as your sensitivity grows and your senses reawaken in the aftermath of your PMO addiction, there are many different and enjoyable ways to express and experience sexuality other than sex. Merely observing your mate, holding her hand, playing footsie, holding down conversation - all of these things can be ways to express and experience sexuality.

    We just laugh at the concept so often because most of us are so deadened and numbed to what sexuality is that all we correlate it with is actual sex. Sex is the icing, not the cake.
     

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