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How can I help my girlfriend understand?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by earmuffinz, Aug 31, 2014.

  1. earmuffinz

    earmuffinz Fapstronaut

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    I hadn't anticipated telling her about my struggle with this so early on in our relationship but we had been having some deeper conversations about experiences that we have had and she told me about some incidents when she had messed up some things. I felt like the environment was safe and decided to confide in her. She reacted well and said that she still believed in me and wanted to be supportive.

    That conversation was exactly one week ago and in the past week she has acted in very strange and hurtful ways towards me. I at first did not make the connection that it her actions may have been a reaction to the initial conversation, but a talked with her today revealed that it is hard for her to understand and to be supportive. She worries that she would not be good enough for me because she doesn't have a "porn-star" body. She also does not understand why I still am working on this if I've wanted to stop for some time now.

    I wanted to comfort her, to give her some insight that would help her to understand, but I was at a loss for words. Has anyone gone through this before? Any advice? This relationship means a lot to me and I would hate for this cause it to fail.
     
  2. My advice: The solution is to ACTUALLY SPEND TIME with her.
    You want to get OUT, and this actually means to switch to a NEW LIFE STYLE.

    What makes her insecure is the fact that you just talk about quitting, without actually changing anything.
    In the whole, she just sees you talking and relapsing.

    I also have a girlfriend, and my solution is to spend time with her.
    Every minute I spend PMOing would much better be spent with time with her.
     
  3. earmuffinz

    earmuffinz Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your thoughts. We do actually spend lots of time together and have a wonderful connection. I think she also knows that I'm employing many methods to stop this but the whole idea in general upsets her. She wants to be supportive but it is emotionally hurtful for her.
     
  4. Weiland

    Weiland Fapstronaut

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    Hey, mate. Got your back!

    Help your girlfriend realize that this is an addiction. It operates very much like a chemical addiction and actually releases addictive chemicals into the brain. However, it's not merely chemical - it attaches to the heart and the mind, making it a vicious beast to be rid of. Every day is a battle, and even the good days have plenty of opportunity to be ambushed.

    Most women do not seem to understand the concept of an addiction, and take it as a personal attack or affront to them. Your girlfriend thinks that she has to compete with porn actresses. Those are just fantasies that have been manufactured, and they've totally desensitized you to any other form of sensuality or sexuality - like hand-holding, or holding a conversation.

    For you, I would encourage you to stay firm on the NoFap path, Fapstronaut. You'll see improvements. Keep it up, avoid your triggers, stay away from your computer if you have to. Spend time with her when you can. Don't tap out!


    <Edit> You can always have her come on here and talk with us. We'd be happy to be supportive for her, too. There are lots of supportive gals on here as well!
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2014
  5. earmuffinz

    earmuffinz Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your thoughts, Weiland. I think you are right on.

    It has been a week since I've been on the forum and it hasn't gotten any better for her. This has basically destroyed our relationship and our friendship. She has started pursuing other guys, treating me very poorly, and being rather inconsiderate. I know that it is all an emotional reaction more than a dislike for me as a person so I can't really get mad at her for it. I guess that some girls are just ready to hear and take it in and others are not. Unfortunately it is hard to tell beforehand how someone will react so it will always be a gamble.
     
  6. earmuffinz

    earmuffinz Fapstronaut

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    She really doesn't understand what it is like. She feels that if someone views P (especially in a relationship) it means that they are not satisfied with the sexuality within the relationship. I explained to her that there are triggers like loneliness and depression and she asked me if I fall into it when I feel that way. I explained that when I have my blocks (my computer filter, avoiding being on the computer alone in my room, etc) that I don't fall into it. She wasn't very impressed with that because she doesn't consider that to be self control even though I explained that I could easily take down those barricades.
     
  7. Weiland

    Weiland Fapstronaut

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    I can understand her taking it hard, but pursing other guys? She ain't your girlfriend anymore. Not what I would consider a girlfriend.

    To be completely and painfully honest, I would not want a woman as my girlfriend, let alone wife, that was not capable of supporting me and fighting for me through my struggles. A fair-weather girl is the last thing I want. My girlfriend would say the exact same thing, too. Hell, if you want, I'll drag her in here and you can see what she has to say about the situation.

    [rant]

    Honestly, I'm sick and tired of this emotional immaturity bullshit. Women need to get with the program and realize that we're fully capable and willing to be good, strong, pure men, and while we understand that they are likely quite hurt by pornography, they're not the only victim, or dare I say, the most hurt. That kind of approach is self-centered.

    If a woman honestly attempts to work with you through your addiction while you struggle, then she's got potential. If she's going to be a bigger drain on you, making demands across the board while holding your heart out at arms length like it's some sort of dirty diaper, then as far as I'm concerned, she can hit the road and find someone that deserves that kind of bullshit.

    I really don't have any tolerance for stupidity. There's understandable emotional reactions and difficulty, and then there's just plain fucking willful self-centered immature bullshit. It pisses me off. I'm tired of seeing men flogged and whipped by their girlfriends despite the fact that they're honestly trying to improve themselves - because apparently this is a one-way fucking street and that we owe women for even being in our fucking lives.

    [/rant]
     
  8. Man of Honor

    Man of Honor Fapstronaut

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    You may need to become Mr. Right before you find Mrs. Right. It's not fair to expect unconditional support for a habit you loathe yourself. Porn is a direct attack on every female's most intimate insecurity. You need to get a grip on this and kick the habit. You will change as a man. You will be more confident, energetic, and manly. Girlfriends are great but they are temporary. They are in our lives until we break up or make them our wives. Wives are forever.
     
  9. Change15

    Change15 Fapstronaut

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    I experienced the same thing OP. Read my blog. To sum it up my ex was supportive at first but drifted off. A girl like that is not worth. Though we still remain good friends, I learned that I'm not ready for a relationship with this kind of addiction. The last time I had sex with her she was playing p for me to help me get up! How embarassing and ridiculous that is!? That was many many months ago. But in the end you need to do this for yourself. Get better as a person and try and get that confidence. I have been trying since I jonines this forum back in April. I have gone long stretches without pmo and I have seen the benefits. Also a girl is a huge distraction when trying to avoid pmo unless they 1000% understand and fully support you then I would just forget about them.
     
  10. Ali411

    Ali411 Fapstronaut

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    OP, please ignore all the people telling you to walk away. You have to respect the way she feels, not make her understand, nothing you do is going to make it okay for her, she will no matter what feel insecure and there is nothing wrong with her feeling that way. You have to respect that.

    Now here's what you have to do: you have to prove to her that you've changed, that that isn't part of who you are anymore, that you are getting the help you need. None of this crap about filters and avoiding being alone. Get a mentor, see a psychologist, get a therapist, pay for real porn blocking software and give her the password, SHOW her that you are taking her feelings seriously and doing everything in your power to disavow porn. Do NOT walk away from her, if she is worth anything to you then you have to show that to her, if you let her walk away without fighting and doing anything you can to show her you want her she will feel even more insignificant, she will feel like she wasn't worth it to you, and you will only vindicate her feelings of betrayal and unattractiveness. Don't make that mistake, you need to make it 100% crystal clear that you are fully dedicated to eradicating it from your life and that you are devoted to her. It may sound cliché, but be a man and show her that you love her more than anything else.
     
  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You replied to a thread that is over 3 years old. You may want to check the time stamps on the threads you reply to so you can give timely responses. :)
     
  12. Ali411

    Ali411 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks I hadn't realized, this was sent to me by someone. Hopefully if anyone reads this my comment might be helpful.
     

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