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WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by LightningBolts, Sep 30, 2017.

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  1. LightningBolts

    LightningBolts Fapstronaut

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    Following todays relapse episode and orgasm I kept scrolling through the videos on this one page and I asked myself what the hell am I doing? Why am I still watching this when all of these really good things are starting to happen because I am building longer NoFap streaks. I just dont get myself some days. Why am I still wasting my time doing this. Seriously has anyone else asked themselves the same question? Is there an answer?
     
  2. Have asked myself just the same question. What a waste of time - 40 years of stress and feeling bad. It's over as far as I am concerned
     
  3. slb

    slb Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I've asked myself that question. I'm sure many of us have.

    I used to make big plans about what I would do at the weekend. Well, relatively big - for me at the time at least - things like "sort that pile of stuff", "cook something nice for myself". Not even big with hindsight. And not do them. I remember once sitting basically the whole day on the edge of my bed thinking "why am I sitting here? Just get on with it!" And beating myself up for not doing so. Literally felt like I wad screaming at myself inside my head. Then when evening came, I decided the day was gone now and got on the computer...

    That was a few years ago, and I was trying to pull myself out of a depression too. But I've done it with P too, and anything else that wastes time and lets me how hide from reality.

    As to what to do, well the first step is ridiculously simple and also can be very hard: turn off the dawn computer! Totally. Get away from it for a bit. Doesn't really matter what you do to help yourself do that, but contacting someone is a good choice, or going outside (fresh air and a public place).

    The other thing, and this is difficult, is not to keep beating yourself up over it. It happened. It was a bad choice. Learn from it but don't beat yourself up. Being too down on yourself leads back to relapse. This is really hard, I think. If I'm not hard on myself when I mess up, how do I stop from messing up, right? I guess is about looking forward, not back. Learning from it and recommiting to sobriety and reminding yourself of all the good things about that.

    I'm still working on this, I don't have any good answers yet, just some thoughts and what I've read and others say in discussions. And I haven't dealt with a relapse like that. What I can say is don't worry too much about the big picture in that moment. Find something small but very direct and practical - like turning the computer of and going for a walk - that you can do immediately. And do it.
     
  4. slb

    slb Fapstronaut

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    I said the same to my friend in SAA recently. He said no! He said it's not wasted time. To do it again now would be wasted time, but that it will be those dark moments that we get our strength from to change, as we go forward.

    I'm still thinking about this, I see both sides a bit, but it'sgot something to it.
     
    Tonytone likes this.
  5. Got to Overcome

    Got to Overcome Fapstronaut

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    More times than I could count.

    In my own case, the answer is that it's easy. For an introvert such as myself, social engagement is hard. Now, I know that social engagement is tremendously important, and that if I were to go out and spend time with others, I'd feel great about myself. I'd feel great not only while I was engaging with others, but for a significant period afterwards. However, it would require effort. Porn, on the other hand, requires none. Yes, I'll feel terrible about myself the second I finish, but until then I'll be happy. I know the former is the far better option, but due to my own laziness, I've often chosen the latter.

    The same goes for learning new skills. I know that this is an incredibly important part of overcoming pornography. I also know that learning a new skill such as woodworking requires an incredible amount of time and patience. Yes, the rewards of constructing something usable out of a pile of wood are immense. But again, it's going to require lots of time, lots of patience, and I'm going to have a fail a number of times before I ever create anything half decent. Once again, porn requires none of that. Nothing could be easier, in fact.

    So that's why I've relapsed more times than I could count, and I suspect it's why a lot of others have as well.
     
  6. When I think back how foolish I've been spending hours in front of a screen leading to a brief time of pleasure. Then...the regret, shame and deceit. And the hours delousing the computer to cover my tracks. With rewiring I'll get back the motivation to do useful things.
     
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  7. We CAN Do This!

    We CAN Do This! Fapstronaut

    I relate to this so much. It's literally a choice between having a better life or having a worse life, and for some reason, we literally choose to have a worse life.
     
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  8. But it's just going to get better without PMO
     
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  9. We CAN Do This!

    We CAN Do This! Fapstronaut

    Exactly, and we all know that, so why do we still choose to relapse?
     
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  10. Short term gain is so easy especially when feeling vulnerable. Resistance is not futile.
     
    Tonytone, We CAN Do This! and slb like this.
  11. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    Because sometimes I need to clean out the pipes
     
    Tonytone likes this.
  12. LightningBolts

    LightningBolts Fapstronaut

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    You know I just thought about giving up again but all these comments made me want to keep fighting harder. For all I know I have wasted way too much time looking for a good video, getting to orgasm and then feeling ashamed and disgusted. I cant watch this shit anymore. Its all fake. Everything about it is fake.
     
    slb, Cullengado and Tonytone like this.
  13. Tonytone

    Tonytone Fapstronaut

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    I've done this hundreds of fucking times and have wasted years, among many, many other things. We've become slaves to this shit and it's a disgusting shame. What a waste of a life. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.....too late, now you're dead. Time to wake the fuck up and snap outta this rut. Your new life starts now.
     
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  14. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    Honestly the porn bothers me the most.
     

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