Struggling with frequent relapses on normal mode, considering hard mode (possible triggers)

The title basically sums it up. I've been trying to quit porn (and masturbation, though I have little desire to masturbate without porn) for a few months now. Initially, I saw a lot of progress. Drastically reduced my porn usage and saw a lot of benefits in terms of mood, concentration, etc. But I still seem to relapse at least every couple weeks, and the days leading up to the relapse are awful. I've tried just about everything I can think of, except switching to hard mode.

So that's what I'm now considering. I'm married, and while I've been trying to quit porn and masturbation, I've still been having sex with my wife once or twice a week. I suffer from PIED to some degree (for whatever reason, I have no PIED in the morning, only afternoon and evening). That's actually gotten worse since I started trying to quit porn (I think my own expectations and performance anxiety have a lot to do with that). So most of the time when we have sex, I have only a partial erection, and I typically ejaculate very quickly, without getting fully hard. Sometimes I want and initiate the sex, but it's usually my wife. Again, none of these issues arise when we have sex in the morning, for whatever reason. But the rest of the time, sex is not natural or easy for me.

So because of all that, I'm considering trying out hard mode. My wife is aware of my struggles with pornography, and she's been nothing but supportive. She's said she'll get on board for this if I want to do it. Does anyone who has experience with both hard and normal mode (i.e., no PMO vs. no PM) think abstaining from sex completely for a while could be beneficial to me? Also, would it be harmful to my recovery if I were to give my wife oral and/or manual stimulation during this time period? I hate to deny her that sexual contact just because of my issues (even though she's supportive of me doing it). That's the main reason I've been hesitant to try hard mode before.

Any opinions are greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks for the response. And yes, believe me, I know I'm lucky to have my wife!

As for what causes my relapses, I'd say there are a number of factors, but there's a lot of commonality between them. The biggest issues for me are stress (generally work-related) and isolation. I work from home, almost entirely on solo projects, and I don't have the space for a home office separate from my main PC. So basically, I sit alone in my living room all day, stressed out about my work, at the same PC that I used to use to look at pornography. It's a bad situation. But I finally bit the bullet and got a laptop and a few other things necessary to work outside my house. I'm going to start doing that next week, and I think that will help with my urges and relapses a lot.

As for whether sex is causing me to relapse, I'm not sure. I don't think it is, but I could be mistaken. My biggest issue is that my sex drive does not come naturally or easy for me, as described in my original post. I know quitting pornography is what I need to do to fix that. But my thinking is that abstaining from sex for a while might help me recover a more natural libido more quickly.

That's the hope, anyway. Again, I appreciate your response, and anyone else that wants to weigh in is more than welcome.

 

Yeah, I take breaks periodically. I take a walk in the morning, as well as meditate. Do a bit of yoga after lunch. It all helps, but most of it is still in isolation. Hence why I think working outside the house will help a lot. Urges don't normally strike me when I'm with other people, even if I'm more or less doing my own thing.

 

Yeah, I think it'll make a big difference. I'm considering abstaining from sex for four weeks, and then reevaluating from there. Cutting out porn forever, of course.

Thanks for your input. I've done some of what you suggest already (writing down my triggers as I discover them, refreshing my memory about them frequently, reminding myself why I'm quitting, setting up blocking software). Keeping NoFap open regularly seems like a good idea too. Just that extra reminder. As for the counter, for various reasons, I found it counter-productive for me, so I stopped using it. Though I still remember my relapses and how long it's been since I relapsed, even though I don't consciously try to track the days. Just gets etched into my head.