Houston, I got a Problem

Hey guys, 28/straight M here, and I have a problem.

I apologize in advance for this being rambling and disjointed.

It's really embarrassing for me, and I haven't even told my psychiatrist, whom I see weekly.

I've always had awful self confidence, and have been a real strikeout with women because I just don't put myself out there enough. Porn has been the insidious factor behind the other excuses.

I was a chubby kid with unmedicated ADHD, but I always did pretty well at school when I actually did my work. I got into and graduated from a good university, beat depression, and got my ADHD diagnosed and treated after graduation. I also lost 50 pounds through dieting and exercising.

After graduating university, I kind of lost my way. I didn't get into the extremely competitive grad program I wanted, which was only made worse by being in the middle of the Great Recession, so I was competing with 150% of the usual applicants.

During this time, my porn usage ramped up- Before this, I would just browse if I was really horny and needed a release, 2-3 times a week, straight, vanilla stuff and stopped watching as soon as I was done. I made accounts on sites and started saving favourites. I also started watching foot fetish porn and gangbangs/bukakke- which in real life I find absolutely disgusting.

If you want to use an analogy, I went from bumming cigarettes of friends when drunk to bringing my own pack when I went out drinking (I don't actually drink or smoke, porn is my 1 harmful substance).

I then got a full time job on contract- and when my contract wasn't renewed and I was bumped back to a part time retail job, I was shattered. I couldn't move out of my parents' place and made little. I also have phimosis. What kind of girl would want to date a guy who lives at home, can't afford a car, has no money and a fucked up dick? I retreated in my social life, I was so embarrassed about my situation and gave up all attempts to date.

I had sex for the first time at the age of 25- a girl I met took me home, and we had an awesome night- she even asked if I wanted to watch porn, and I truly and honestly didn't- I even told her "Why the hell would I want to watch porn when I have you?" It was a rebound for her and we never saw each other again, which was hugely disappointing. My phimosis didn't even seem to bother her.


This made my porn addiction get even worse- then, the social aspect started. I started spending time on porn chat rooms to dull the pain. Here, I would masturbate for hours, and talk to people, and engage in mutual masturbation and roleplay. I started watching even sicker shit, like tgirls, fake incest and even scat- blech, why the fuck would anyone want to see that? I'm not really into that- it's the novelty. My standards dropped. I'd jerk off with guys, even obvious catfish. The only things I would not do are expose myself or pay for porn.

I found a career, had a couple fits and starts at relationships, moved out into an albeit not great place, got my driver's licence, and finally got going in the right direction.

I couldn't shake the porn however, which I used as justification for hiding my misery and to blow off steam while I earned enough money to start dating. I'm getting older and it isn't happening fast enough- I now know the porn is holding me back. Just last month, however, I exposed myself on cam to a "female" masturbation partner, and I have never been so disgusted with myself. I never have paid for it though.

I also got a kick out of starting up quasi-relationships with cam models/women exposing themselves, and curtly cutting them off from all the compliments and roleplay over some minor or imaginary slight- I could give them a taste of the rejection I felt, and kick around someone who was lower then me- that's really unhealthy and not the person I am. Just a few weeks ago, a girl asked me out, we hit it off, then she kept delaying our date- I knew that was soft rejection, and I felt really lead on and hurt.

To use the analogy again, now I'm smoking 2 packs a day and light one up even with a nicotine patch on, and insisting I only bum them when I'm drunk.

I gave up hobbies. I stopped cycling. I gained weight. I lost touch with friends. I don't do anything interesting anymore. It cuts into my work time. I think about porn when I'm not watching it. I spend hours daily on it and I never intend it. I feel like shit when watching it, and it always creeps back into my life. I delete my accounts, but within a month, I'm right back at it.

I know it's a cliché, but now I finally see that porn is jerking me around.

I need to spend time to make money to do what I really want to do. Have a decent place, and a woman I can cuddle with instead of feeling like shit in a sweaty chair after an orgasm. See friends. Go places. Exercise. I keep booting up porn instead of washing and fixing up my bike for fuck's sake!

I just jerked away yet another morning. But this has to be the last.

Thank you.

 

Thanks! The common theme with all of my other problems is that I beat them- I just need to beat this one too.

 

I'm an independent contractor, so:

Time out my days to keep them full and leave no room for fapping.

Go into the office more to work- not only can you obviously not masturbate there, but it's a "bullpen" style office which works well for me, because when I see others busy, I don't want to be the only one slacking.

Get back on the bike until the leaves make the hills too slick. Bodyweight exercises until cycling season starts again.

Do the stretching exercises to cure phimosis that I should be doing- but I don't because I''m usually too raw from excessive fapping, and probably made worse by fapping wrong.

Actually start putting myself out there in the dating world- I need to listen to my own advice. I know what to do, but I don't do it, which is the hardest part.

The MO part I'm really not as worried about, as it's completely secondary to the P. The P aspect is about the stimulation, novelty and false relationships and roleplaying