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Ladies would you marry your porn addict husband again if you could do it all over?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GG2002, Mar 26, 2017.

  1. nofreedom

    nofreedom Fapstronaut

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    I feel I'm intruding. I'm a PA. I'm sorry I will delete my post if you feel it shouldn't be here. English is not my first language so I expect some mistakes in my writing.

    It was really hard to read this thread and I'm actually crying as I write this. If I were in my wife's shoes I would probably say no to the man I have been being up until last month, but I wish she would say yes to the man I WILL become for her. We were decided to divorce beginning of this year and through a lot of work we found each other, but I want to be clear and honest that I was the one causing all the disruption with my addiction. As we had many open conversations I really understand the impact of my behavior in our marriage and my wife personally and reading all of this reinforces it and gives me the strength to continue.

    If my opinion has any value I would say that you definitely shouldn't marry in the current situation, and would also go find another man that values you if he is not willing to do whatever it takes to fix himself. If he wants to be with you, he needs to make this a real commitment for himself AND you.

    It breaks my heart knowing that I took so long to realize and do something about it. I'm 35 and have been addicted for more than 20 years.

    I fear for our future, this is a weapon of mass destruction. This needs a lot more attention than it has now. I apologize to you all for our behavior.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2017
  2. Mcdonald1773

    Mcdonald1773 New Fapstronaut

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    My boyfriend and I are in a slightly similar situation. We have also been together for over a year. I knew about his porn addiction and I just recently told him how I truly felt about it so he gave it up but 2 days later he was back at it. After a massive blow up and intense emotions on both our sides, we are working it out. We were thinking of an engagement but putting it on pause. I have no desire to break up with him but I also have no desire to marry someone who puts porn before me when it tears my heart to pieces. So no, I wouldn't marry my current boyfriend if he continues with this. Ill need to see a long run of no porn and rebuild our relationship. Would I decide to date him knowing what I know now? Yes. But only because of his actions after knowing how I truly felt. If he wasn't 100% putting effort into stopping this addiction I would be gone. But I wouldn't marry him if he fought me on his road to recovery. I hope things work out and I'm sorry this is happening to you
     
  3. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Knowing what I know now I never would have gotten married. In fact, if I ever found myself widowed I doubt I would ever marry again. I will not force my dysfunction on anyone ever again.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2017
  5. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    If I knew about everything I would need to come through, all the suffering, everything that I experienced and still do - hell, no. I'd run away as fast as I could. Before that marriage I even didn't knew about such problems. No other partners of mine were addicted. I just didn't even know what the hell I would experience in my marriage.
     
    Silas and Dubiousfiancee like this.
  6. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    I hope you have highly rethought your relationship. Found this and hope it is helpful.
    If you want a vital, healthy marriage, choose only individuals of integrity and godly character as potential mates. If, on the other hand, you’re relatively unconcerned about issues like infidelity, feel free to lower the bar. But remember that here, as in so many other areas of life, you tend to get what you bargain for.
    as a young woman who disregard your potential mate’s struggles with pornography, think again. A situation like this is marital misery in the making. Unless your boyfriend is ready to get serious about dealing with his problem, it’s time to put on the brakes. Marriage will not fix the problem. It will only complicate matters and increase your pain.
     
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Mine is serious.
    If I knew about everything back then.... I'd also have to know everything I know NOW.
    including his commitment.
    He's one of the few who "Fixed it"
    I said I was leaving.... And I meant it.
    I was heading for the door and I wasn't even going to stop for my purse I was so mad.
    He threw himself on the ground and begged me to stay and I simply said "then fix it"
    And he hasn't stopped for a moment.
    Most men don't do that.
    I've been hurt, it still hurts.
    I still get sad.
    I get upset, we fight, I still cry over all the old feelings..... But he never stops trying.
    I believe he will keep this up.
    He knows if he doesn't I'm actually gone.
    I believe we can persevere.
    We are well aware of each other's boundaries.
    This is important.
    He may not have my full trust but he's definitely earned my full respect.
    What's more important is I know how important he thinks I am to him.
    I've always adored him, but I simply won't be second.
    A woman should only be second to the children.
    I mean that.
    He showed me that he feels that too.
    That's worth marrying.
    (again)
     
  8. Dubiousfiancee

    Dubiousfiancee Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Eve26 for pointing me towards this thread. So sad, but eye-opening. Thank you.
     
    anewhope, GG2002 and Eve26 like this.
  9. You've been married since you were 15?

    Anyway, very sorry that you're in that situation. I can only imagine (and suspect I cant) what it must be like to have so much of your life dominated by a relationship you regret.
     
  10. KAG314

    KAG314 Fapstronaut

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  11. KAG314

    KAG314 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly my story and the way I still feel, 4 years post divorce. The healing is taking much more time than I ever imagined. I'm not sure i will ever trust anyone as I did before. My heart and spirit have forever been damaged by the SA's selfish deviant deceitful ways.
     
    anewhope and GG2002 like this.
  12. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

  13. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    That's a tough question to answer.

    If you are asking from the standpoint of my current 40 something self... We now have over two decades of our lives invested in each other, kids, etc...knowing everything I know now, I would still marry him but I would have handled things differently.

    BUT...if you are asking from the standpoint of if I was my 21 year old self again and could see what kind of problems his PMO use would bring for over half my life: the lying, gaslighting, relapsing, heartbreak, etc... hell no. I would high tail it out of there faster than you can blink. I don't care what kind of treatment he got. That is not how I would be willing to live my life. Buh bye.

    (Let me note, his PMO use was not discovered until years after we were married and it was not then what it escalated to be in the most recent discovery.)

    And while I m sticking with him through this because he is truly getting help now, and I do love him like no tomorrow, if something were to happen to him, I will never marry again. The trust for any man to not be involved in some level of PMO, or at least in a battle against it, is zero. I cannot and will not do it ever again.
     
  14. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    For me, I wasn't married to my husband when I found out. I've read this thread many times, and I never answered because I wasn't married yet, but now I am. I do know my situation is very different than most here. For me, I found out a year into our relationship about everything. I knew little things here and there but never knew the extent. Once I did, I almost left the relationship, but I set hard boundaries that if he didn't follow I would leave. He followed those boundaries, got help for himself, and today he is doing amazing. He is over a year PMO free. He hasn't lied to me, and has committed to being honest. We are both in individual and couples therapy. The fact that we are both trying tells me he is serious and cares. So for me, I decided to marry him knowing he had an addiction. So if I could do it all over, the thing I would do, is if I knew how bad his addiction was from the very beginning I would have helped him get help sooner. But that's just me.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  15. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I asked this question awhile back and based on the responses and my fiancés ongoing behavior I left him but I think this question is still very helpful as there are many SOs on here contemplating marriages or whether to stay. I was asking if your 21 year old self knew would you do it again? Unfortunately what I see a lot on this forum is that the men are not willing to change until something dire happens. Rarely do you see a man that says on his own he wants to stop and actually succeeds. I find that many men only stop for a partner which means lower levels of success. In my case my partner did stop pmo but only after I caught him but he never really wanted to. I thought him stopping pmo meant he would want sex more with me and that our sex life would improve but it only approved a bit (still no O from intercourse) and his drive went down when more than before. The truth was he did not desire me. He told me he only had sex with me to keep me happy. He desired a porn star and porn. He could never make that transition. I am 8 years younger a size 8 with 34dd breasts who turns heads on the street but could not get my fiancé to look at me for 2 seconds. I hope your situation improves. I was very positive when I first joined this site but after being on it for this long and my own experience I have come to appreciate that the majority of pmo addicts will never be cured completely and many won't ever change. I think some stop pmo because they want a relationship but not because the sex in that relationship is something they enjoy more than pmo and in that situation the SO is always second best, the consolation prize and that was me. Thankfully for me I have had many other healthy relationships before so I knew that not all men were like this and I deserved better. My advice if you are not married run away and fast don't waste your time there are many sexually healthy men out there. Even if you are married but no kids GET OUT. And when you first start dating do your leg work ladies. Ask your man about porn use. If he's having ED problems with no medical explanation get out. The mistake we make as women is that we think we can change them and we don't see how much better we deserve. Don't settle. And to the addicts I know you are struggling but you have to get your acts together. Otherwise there are plenty of men ready to take your place. Good luck to you!
     
  16. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @GG2002 I am sorry that your fiance was not able to change, but I am proud that you stood up for yourself and left given that he wasn't meeting your needs or respecting your boundaries. I also relate to your body type, before pregnancy I was a 32DDD and turned heads all the time and couldn't understand why my husband ever did porn while with me, it really screwed with my mind and how I felt about my own body and attractiveness. I am sorry that you feel as if you were a consolation prize, no partner should ever make the other feel like that. Know that you deserve better and will find a man who completely loves and respects you one day!
     
    Silas, GG2002 and EyesWideOpen like this.
  17. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you did what was best for so that is good to read. As someone who has had a difficult time purging P from his life it always disheartening to read about situations where people aren't able to make a change before it's too late. After reading your words I couldn't help but think that one day your former fiance' may make his way to this forum lamenting about his rock bottom moment where he lost the love of a good woman to porn...:(
     
  18. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I think for you your partner
    Thanks. I think that may very well happen and it's unfortunate that he and many others have to get to that point before they see the light and make changes. Ultimately the addict needs to change when he's ready. Mine was not.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  19. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    I just wanna say congratulations for a healthy decision and for the courage to do so! As these exoeriences on this site testify, the PA needs to make mammoth efforts to redress.. anything less is literally good for nothing. You took care of yourself and i hope you give yourself pats on your back
     
    Eve26 and GG2002 like this.
  20. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    When they arw ready to chanhe, you will know. It miraculously just eases your angst and when it doesnt, they actively try to ease the partner's angst. My husband has decided to do so and i feel it in his every single actions as well as in the sex life.
     
    GG2002 likes this.

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