SavedbyGrace

Im 50. I was exposed to pornography by my dad around the time I was 7 or 8. Everything about his life was loose and being a son I wanted to be just like him (he was a hard worker). 40+ years later I am and I HATE it. New thought I want to be NOTHING like my dad. Sorry dad.

I am an addict. I binge PMO a good day is only a few hours but many days every week are in excess of 10 hours. Sunday was 14. So I told myself "self this has to stop!" I got up Monday, read my bible and started thinking bad thoughts, finished reading and went to my computer.......

My days are a blur from the end of magazines and beginning of internet porn. I don't have all the memories I should have of my first two daughters growing up as I was too busy "working", ie PMO in my office. Nothing phased me as I was addicted and unaware, after all its healthy. My wife caught me a few times and for some reason it turned her on, bonus for addict but detrimental to ever getting help. At least one of my daughters (probably both) caught me, I felt bad but overcame it with more PMO. 19 years with an amazing wife was ruined when one of my fantasies came true (no details will be given) a one night stand and I couldn't live with myself. I confessed to my wife. She would have been ok but addict was on his destruction course to free himself of a beautiful marriage so he could have sex as often as he wanted with whoever he wanted woot woot what a life he was going to have! Well I kept going and pushing my beautiful wife away until she gave in to my _______ (I can't even put a word on how horrible I was to this amazing woman) One family destroyed!

Fast forward 9 years. I was married again, 5 months, and divorced. 2 serious relationships, one crazy but great in bed the other 17 years younger amazing in bed but unfaithful and so self centred. All three I was blind to see them for what they were because I was getting what I wanted, SEX.

PMO is eating all my time. I have a company that has been reduced to one tenth of what it was as I don't have spare time to "work" too busy PMO. Two adult kids that don't talk to me, 2 grandkids that I don't see (my biggest heart ache). I feel life is lost. I have contemplated a fast end from the despair I feel I can never win this fight, I don't have the strength to even fight. If it was not for daughter #3 (now 7) I may have followed through and ended it.

I have been learning reading studying and talking to people now for over 6 years. Some periods of freedom. I think I made a month once. Most of the time its a day and thats a struggle.

There are great tools here and already in my tool box. Im realizing last night and today that in fact Im scared! Scared of succeeding. What then? Ill have to work? What if I get free then Ill have all this time! What will people think? Ive never told anyone how bad this addiction is and the massive amount of Time I give to It. Will people Im close to think Im a deviant, twisted, dirty, crazy? Thats scaring me! Addict is telling me stay here PMO its safe and its worked for me for 40years.

The reading Im doing all makes me sober to the research that says Ive eroded my frontal cortex and destroyed my self control. Im a christian so I must rely on God to strengthen me and free me from the grip this destructive addiction has on my life.

Ok here goes.
Day one!