Endgoals

Hey guys, Endgoals here. This is my story.
Background
So ever since I was a young child a had a thing for feet. Always had a foot fetish haha. Not sure why. Even before puberty, feet just fascinate me. The act of womens feet just astound me. Kind of interesting that now I am a full blown porn addict. Not quite sure how I got so interested in femdom though. When I was younger I used to play Tekken, and def jam vendetta; the wrestling/fighting games that.

My fetishes include:
Femdom
Mixed wrestling
Foot gagging
Spitting femdom
Facesitting
Stockings
Hand over mouth
And my favorite, this wrestling move called "Camel Clutch"- When the girl sits on your back with her legs bent, then pulls both your arms back behind her things, so you cant move, then proceeds to lean forward and pull you up and backwards. Your trapped and helpless just to suffer, while she wrenches your back causing you pain in your back. Just typing this is making me hard lol. So sad.

These fetishes turn me on way more than the act of sex. I have 14 years of jerking off to these not normal acts, that it has defined what turns me on.

Anyways, started looking at porn at the age of 11. Currently 25, struggling to defeat this monster that I have created within myself. I am a victim of childhood trauma, growing up with just my dad who hated everything. He was a good person with good intentions but just did not have a happy head on his shoulders. Parents split up when I was 3. My dad hated my mom, and advised me to not talk my mom. Kept me away from her. Would get upset when I would say "I love you" to my mother. Controlling, very manipulative short, fat guy. He is very intelligent, has a double bachelors in physics and astronomy, but is just a nasty person; thinks everyone is stupid except him. I have very little respect for him. I spent 20 years with that man, just wanting to be happy.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2nd grade. I then took Ritalin, concerti, aderall, etc. Upon taking these medications, I succumbed to my tic disorder partnered with my TMJ disorder. (I crack my jaw to relieve tension). I remember when I was going through puberty, the medication sort of warped my taste in sex. I was so obsessed with sex that it completely consumed. This might have something to do with the medication. When on concerta and Ritalin, I would hardly eat, lowering my defenses for mental challenges and also making me zone out. I was a robot, not the energetic kid anymore. Thinking about me being on medication just makes me sick. I wish I could have just been able to be myself.

So me being hyper, and my dad being a controlling asshole, we did not get along so well. I always fed off his emotions, which was hate this; hate that. I was never a happy kid. I thought I was stupid and he was ALWAYS right. He was my life for 20 years and I hated every single fucking miserable day I spent with him.

Which leads me to my findings of porn. I finally found a tool of escape. I proceeded to beat the shit out of my dick for 14 years lol. Cumming multiple times. Didn't go longer than a few days without jacking off. t was my escape, my only happiness.

Upon turning 18 was when the rave scene enveloped teenage society. I also fell in love with y first and only real girlfriend. She was a cute blonde. I did love her; she was my first just like I was hers. We raved together and fell in love. unfortunately, my obsessive tendencies leaded me to start taking drugs. Being in the rave scene, girls were nearly naked, wearing stockings, high socks, booty shorts. It was heaven for the demon that slept inside of me. Being on ecstacy only heightened my urge for fetishes. It actually through it into overdrive. It was pure fetish bliss which then created my fantasy.
My fantasy:
To be on a whole bunch of ecstacy, and have a girl dressed up as a raver, and have her make me worship her feet, tie my hands so I couldn't move and foot fuck my mouth, get me in wrestling moves and torture me. This was my idea of heaven.

I accomplished this fantasy not once, but three times, and every time was a complete disaster.
Let me tell you guys about playing out your fetish fantasies. It seems like the most amazing thing known to man, but in reality, its not anything special, especially if you add drugs to increase the feeling. The amount of dopamine that you achieve is nothing compared to the act of watching porn. Its simply unsatisfying.

So I was all fucked up in the head, from drugs, and all the wonderful perks of being a porn addict.

Turning 20 I needed to grow up, because I was severely immature for my age. I decided to enlist in the army. I went active duty, was stationed at fort drum in upstate new York, froze my fucking ass. Winters, it became negative 30 degrees and my dumbass had a 2001 mustang gt lol. I could never get out of the parking lot due to all of the snow. In 2013 I was deployed to Afghanistan for 9 months. That was an experience, not knowing if you would wake up the next morning. It taught me so many life skills. In the military I went from a boy to a man. Learned respect, motivation, discipline, and I have a great deal of pride. I know what I want to do in life. Helping people has always been my main focus in life. It gives me so much gratification to aid people in their journey. This was still one thing that managed to be leached onto me though, and that was my severe addiction to porn. I became addicted to dipping and smoking cigs. I did tobacco for 6 years. Was able to stop after finishing my service on active duty. That was extremely difficult as well, but managed to achieve freedom from tobacco.

Still being a porn addict, I managed to date 5 girls while I was in new York. I fucked all of them, did all my fetishes with them, and pretty much used them to achieve my selfish sexual desires. I always knew what I was doing was fucked up, because every single on of those girls fell hard for me and I did not have any feelings for them besides how nice their feet felt in my mouth or how well they sucked my dick. It was so shameful and I pray to god almost on a daily basis for forgiveness for the pain that I put these human beings through. Yes, girls are people, not pieces of meat who do not matter.
So now we come to me currently. Age 25, veteran, full time college student. I want to become a doctor, more or less a pediatrician. I love working with kids and can relate to children because I had so many challenges as a kid. Just one problem standing in my way of my dreams, and yes literally the only thing. I am still crazy addicted to porn. I have been trying to kick the habit since Christmas of 2015. Been deemed unsuccessful.
Here is a list of pros and cons to my porn addiction:
I have a feeling that side effects that will be uplifted are:
-Anxiety
-Panic attacks
-Tmj (Caused by my anxiety)
-Bruxism (Grinding of the teeth to reduce anxiety)
-Better muscle
-Less impulsive
-No more brain fog = better school work, better memory, better thinking and cognitive thinking
-More energy to converse with those around
-Better appetite
-More genuine to people
-Not staring at girls asses like a crack addict to get that dopamine spike
-Being interested in hobbies besides porn (Bowling, walking, running, biking)
-Being successful in school
-Awesome body, actually build muscle when working out, instead of damaging my body in the gym and repairing only to have no testosterone to gain muscle

Lets face it, what are some good things I get out of PMO?
-While looking at porn, problems seem to vanish, only to magnify once finished PMO
-Feels good

So please guys, please give me any advice you can have. Your words will not go unheard and I look forward to becoming clean with your help.


Journal:

Relapses:
PMO: 12/10/16 @2:00am
MO: 12/10/16 @ 10:00am

Day 1:
Low energy, not so much depressed, but horney, craving more porn. My parents are going to leave soon, sothinking about jumping on the tv and getting on youtube. I'm being hit by the chaser effect. I also have finals I need to be studying for and ia have this bullshit going on in my head.