Carroller25

First, it has been quite a while since I have been here; admittedly, I have checked in every so often to see what everyone is doing. I came to the thought, on more than one occasion, that perhaps I am passively overcoming my addiction to pornography and masturbation! That is to say that I would turn away from this group and go at it alone; only to succumb to my own desires- that quick and fleeting hit of instant happiness- and feeling really guilty for engaging in that kind of behaviour. In respect of what I mean by 'passively overcoming' is that I wanted to change, but in reality I actually did very little to do so! Change is not a matter of merely blocking out the stimuli, but actively engaging with the self, so-as,to overcome the problem characteristic I was harboring; problem behaviors I am still harboring. I have not actively fought against my ego; I caved in every single time because I fought it in such a matter that exasperated its existence!!!

I fight against these behaviors mental; when a holistic approach is what is needed; I know this, but I don't do this! I know the cost of change, and it is possible for me to achieve! Yet, I remain in oppressive isolation; I crying about my inadequacies, my dislike for my body and my total lack of self-care; and still I do nothing to change- I cry, I promise, I tell myself anything that will allow me to justify who I am. To justify what I am doing in any given moment only to turn right around and go against myself in any manner that will allow me not to push out of my comfort zone; I am talking of absolute fear of what might be of the peripheral of my state! The fear of what I might be if I actually tried; the fear it might take everything to achieve the desire to be myself, to be that man I know that I am capable of becoming; that man no one else has yet to see; that man I am afraid of approaching when it comes to putting in the time, the effect, the sacrifice; I AM AFRAID OF MYSELF; because what if? What if? What if I actually make it? Does this mean, that everything that has been has been wrong? Was the person I once was necessary or totally wrong? Which was it? Who am I? And is the suffering worth it? Or rather in the words of some Judge, articulated by Dr. Kenny, "is the juice worth the squeeze?"

What if I just tried? Actually tried!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am angry inside, I am unhappy, unhappy with my life; I want more than this- more than who I am; I am better than the depression, better than the poverty that surrounds me, better than the deprivation; better- always better; but never, never, never doing my best! I shyly step forward when I can walk- I can run! I never run! I want to run; and I don't even exercise; I sit down caught in my mind worrying about the tenderness in my joints- worry about those who might judge me! I'm afraid because I was happy with my level of exercise before and now I am comparing myself to that level again- GOD HELP ME! SOMEONE HELP ME! PLEASE!!! AND YET I CAN HELP MYSELF I AM AFRAID TO HELP MYSELF! It mean I have to walk through everything that I know to be true and see it for what it is; lies! IT IS ALL LIES; I am not oppressed, not bound, I am boundless, capable, hopeful, but afraid because what if? What if I ran? What if my legs hurt? What if I fell down? What if I got hurt? What if its cold? What if...

Who am I?

I am so lost...
And I know how to find myself...
I need to care for myself, adequately; I need to take care of myself. I am whole, hurt, rejected, capable of more. Always capable of more!

I obsess that I am inadequate; that I don't have enough.

I have enough... I have what I need- not what I want--> I will always want more; but, in truth I have what I need to take care of myself wholly in my entirety!

Here is who I really am:
1) I am not a f***ing list; I may list somethings, however.

I am a liar; I lie to myself, and I lie to others to justify my reality! That is the most sincere thing you will ever read about me, or ever hear me say!

I come from an abusive home; my mother and father were both abusive towards me because I was not what they expected me to be: my mother would say, "you're exactly like your father!", and my father would say, "you're exactly like your mother!" over and over they would continuously say! "I'm sick of you...", "will you ever cope on?"... I even remember a time my mother was engaged with my younger brothers friend Wayne. I remember him saying, "someday he'll cope on", to my mother. I was overwhelmed with the existence that I grew up; I stole money from my parents, I stole from my friends, I stole from my family: money, clothes, earphones, sweets; if I saw it and desired it, I would take it. My parents: "would you ever cope on!!!! What's wrong with you!"
My parents split up and I spent years of my life being thrown from home to home, home to street to home to street, again and again, over and over (starting to feel I shouldn't write this- discomfort- like I should ignore it all again forever- but it is never forever- it pops up all the time, left right and center and causes me distress with the feels, images and thoughts that come along with these memories).

Women walk all over me- I obsess over women! I want to feel loved; I want to belong; what have I done so wrong that I have to feel like this? Why can't I move on? Who am I? Who am I so afraid?

My family began to hate me; they hated me- not just my parents, but my brothers and sisters too; I am- was- the black sheep the person who will be nothing, I thought I was nothing, I feel like nothing!

From home to the streets, to a house, to the streets, to another house to the streets again and again, over and over for years- I lost my home! ... I lost my family!

I am a robber...

I remember my mother pulling up at a traffic light and telling me at the age of 17 that if I am homeless the council will give me a house to live in, but first I had to live on the streets; I trusted this women- profoundly! She was my mother after all- don't all mothers want the best for their children? I feel so stupid that I believed her- I don't feel stupid- I feel betrayed- hurt!

I am a robber...

While I'm living in sancta maria, crosscare- a wet house they called it- I didn't even recognize the severity of it all! I just didn't understand; because what I didn't know was I was born with a developmental disorder- no one knew; no one cared! I am ashamed of my past I am ashamed of myself, and so embarrassed by the things that I have done!!! How was my life like that! How?

Years on, I am living at my mothers home; she would remind me every time she would kick me onto the streets again that that was her home, that I was just staying there that I was ungrateful- to just fuck off- to get out- "GET OUT!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW... DO I HAVE TO CALL THE FUCKING GUARDS!!!! GET ME MY FUCKING PHONE NOW!!!! JUST GET OUT, I DONT WANT YOU HERE... YOU'RE SCARING BABY GARY!!! GET OUT!!!" It always felt like it was me- always- I use to ask myself, "what's wrong with me?" "Seriously, what is wrong with me?"... "Why am I like this?"... "Why can't I just change?"... I just wanted to die... But I was afraid on that... I didn't want to kill myself, or hurt myself; I just want to not exist!!! I just lay down... I wanted to be killed... I didn't want anything. I didn't want to move- NOTHING! Who am I? I know nothing about who I am...

No wonder I feel trapped! And ashamed! And afraid! And LOST! No wonder I am afraid to try... because what if? What if all this was wrong? What if they were right? - they were not right... They were very, very, very wrong about me! I felt inadequate for so long. I felt like nothing for a very long time! I just wanted not to wake up!

I was abused not physically, but emotionally and psychologically! I felt so little, so small, so...

I'm so hurt by it all- I bit my upper lip as I write this; my chest raw with emotion; unprocessed... my judgmental mind alight! I feel sick!!!

I'm twenty one or twenty two at this stage; and I haven't a clue what is happening in my world; my life is in disarray. I don't even carry my father's surname- I am hidden, isolated and ashamed. I've internalized their harsh words, their harshness- I've become harsh against myself! I cannot care for myself properly! I am a twenty-one or twenty-two year old boy! LOST! Adrift in the world! How do I come out of this alive? How? How do I do that... When I don't even know how myself? I attend a GP and randomly the GP tests me for a condition on a hunch! A FUCKING HUNCH; I am sent to the hospital and I am prodded and tested; months later I am back at hospital again- my mother is with me because I still hadn't acknowledged that abuse; I still think she is out to take care of me!!!! I was wrong, very wrong- it's heart breaking how wrong I was about it all- It hurts!

The doctor- you have a biological condition; your body doesn't produce testosterone; mind you my mother is still beside me when he then suggests that I give a semen sample to test if I am sterile- I am sterile; meaning I cannot have kids; it's a fucking miracle I am alive, never mind reproducing life!!! I can always adopt and save a child or a few from poverty, those who have been neglected from the world they came from!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhow, I show up at the hospital armed with a sample of a dead army in a beaker! I really was so detached from it all- it is a miracle who I am now; I am so grateful to myself for who I have allowed myself to become through my struggles to better myself! I feel so much better inside now as I type this!!!!

So, time goes by and I discover that I am sterile- could be a good thing because at the time I was in a toxic relationship with a young woman; a volatile relationship!!!! I mean volatile!!! Anyways the doctor suggests that I could try IVF treatment if my GF would consent to itl because I had expressed concerns that I would have liked a family and that my ex GF of that time wanted to have a baby too; I never suggested this to her!!! FUCK that- no penis need- turkey baster on stand-by- no thanks- I'll adopt! I never actually said this as you- serious I never said it!!!
Anyway that doctor asked me this because he wanted to introduce to testosterone treatment or TRT: Testosterone Replacement Therapy- as if I had any to begin with; when I told my brother that I took this stuff at a much later stage, he would just blurt it out in the gym as if to say... Actually I have no fucking clue why he would say it- the fucking prick! (Im expressing what I actually think about what happened as I recall it)

Anyways I begin taking this stuff and my life begins to change gradually over time; the doctor issues a gel saccet that I rub onto my body daily; and it gets socked up and I have what I am biologically lacking!!! I was such a disappointment for my dad! He wanted the stereotypical son the big bad son that would push the head of off people when needed- not when he wanted, but where applicable! You had to know how to handle yourself where I grew up- I couldn't handle shit!!! I was overwhelmed by it all- I survived !!! I had to survive... I had to get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fucking anger lots of anger here. I got out and as I recall what has happened to me and by who; I want to hurt these people; I want revenge I glorify great triumphs in my mind- I wouldn't dare do what I thought in my mind; I did once actually- I stabbed someone with a fucking tack- felt a lot of guilt after this; don't care about it now, I've since apologized.

So yeah I am not what my father wanted in a son... I fucked that up. Rightly, being born the way i was and all- thank fuck I was born the way i was is what I say otherwise I would have listened to him and my mother and fuck I could be in doing ten for all I know if you can catch my drift!!!!

You know I actually was a lively kid as hard as it might be to believe it! I remember I joined a dance club; my father hated this- still to this day he is aghast by my dancing in a friends garden; I thought I was the shit at 15 or 16- no fucks were given that day, until I learned my fathers opinion on the matter! Fucking prick, no wonder I am self-conscious! his fucking critical opinions are bobbing around my mind!

How am I the person that I am today??????????????????????????????? (feel good inside- happy)

Write down the truth!!!!!!!

So, yeah, my father made a wanker out of me: I remember starting a fight with a guy; and losing then fight! Then slinking home; and telling my dad what happened and that I lost; well he wasn't having any of that! He made me go back out to this guy with him and I had to fight this guy again!!! And I lost AGAIN I got battered; I was black and blue; I didn't know it at the time but another guy that had been there had started to record the fight; we'll what was more like me getting battered while my father stood there looking. Well when my dad was sick of me losing he pulled the other guy off of me and then demanded that the other guy delete the video from his phone! My dad was disgusted that I had lost because he was there- as if him being there would make me a better fighter ffs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--> so fucking angry over this!!! Seriously angry inside- felt like i had to win I needed to be the man! Felt like I had to be that way; used to think I had to be a great fighter, the best, better than everyone- everyone has to be afraid of me AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck sake- no wonder my life was messed up; thank fuck it's not like that anymore; still have the fcking anger though! So yeah dad walks me back into the house and he is pissed off at me too!! He's angry because he felt that I had to win! I wouldn't mind after that I my dad kept me in- grounded!!!- I wouldn't even mind I was in the bathroom cleaning the blood from my battered face and the guy who had kicked the shit out of me knocked into the house and said sorry; he fucking apologized!!! Trouble is when I got beat up the first time I started the fight and lost; lesson learned; but no fucking need to make me fight again and then when I lost the second time, be punished and have to endure the disgust of my father. He wanted the strong muscle pumped fit son that was the strongest physically; I was not physically strong! I even remember at the gym when my dad brought me because he had been training with his brother and my younger brother (this is before the diagnosis) So im at the gym and they tell me to get onto the bench and I pick up the bar with two tiny weights on it; and I cannot lift it; they laugh and are disgusted; I cannot even bench the bar!!!! Could be why I thrust myself into fitness later on. Pushed myself to the point my body broke; my right elbow and knee are tender- but no pain, but they feel damaged! So yeah, after that I felt like shit; told to try dips after then whole bench thing and that went terrible because I couldn't do them; so they grabbed my legs and I had to do them! I didn't want to do the things they were so hard! I wasn't capable of doing that at the time; my body wasn't capable!

So moving forward because I am getting stuck in memory time- getting sick of writing!!!!!!!!!!!


So, I am living in my mother's home! And in this toxic relationship with the ex-GF and newly diagnosised; then I get dumped by the ex; so I decide to go join the gym, I then start running on the roads; I get really into it and I get huge and very fit over a course of a year; training multiple hours a day; I get huge, like really big and really fit; I decide to go back to school. I do my basic education at 22/23 years old and I complete the basic education that 15 year old complete in the country!

So, I get my cert and I did very well; actually before I forget, just as I was doing my exams my cousin died in a car crash; he was in the back of the car when it flipped; his head was crushed under the car when it turned over and rolled down the street and skidded to a stop; I speculate here! he was just about to turn 21! He was a really nice guy; but a drug dealer as many were in the area- I even sold drugs myself, I couldnt sell drugs because I was very bad at this!!!!!!!!!!! So, I remember telling my uncle about something my cousin said, but said it to sound smart- like I knew something, like I was in the loop- only he said it back to my cousin; and my cousin didn't want to talk with me after that: you know I got the impression they thought that I would say the wrong thing to someone; that I would have "ratted" them out!!!! So, I approached my cousin one day outside my nanny's house


I get my education I did amazingly well; I was over the moon with it, I was very motivated to proceed onto the next level; only my mother didn't want me in her life and more and threw me out into the streets again!!!!!!




Ill continue this later on



I used to cycle from crumlin to dun laiogue to go to a church to see a girl I was dating at the time because it felt good !!!!!!! I shit you not I wouldn't study for myself, but I would cycle for miles for her- or that feeling rather- like a little boy who needs his mother kind of feeling!

So yeah, I am