Ashitaka

So, I honestly don't know how this works. I've never been to NoFap before until I saw a few TED talks and people mentioning it. I'll just write, because this is a way for me to at least feel something. I'm 32. I've thought about killing myself a few times this year. And no, I don't think I'd ever do it. It just happens to be a thought that enters my head every time I "act out". I suppose that's a term most people on here would be familiar with. "Acting out". At least that's what it has always be to me. Since I was a kid, starting around 13 I've been "acting out". When I was 22, I wanted to kill myself. My life had de-evolved from a kid that was happy, top of his class, outgoing playing sports and music, to someone that found themselves sitting in front of a computer for hours at a time numbing myself into oblivion, searching for any and every kind of high that would make me feel. I never did drugs, so at least there was that. But I'm sure if I wasn't so scared of them I might have slipped off into the deep end of heroin or crack. So there I was, 22 and scared shitless when I finally found SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). It was my saving grace. It was my moment in life where I'd found a place I belonged and wanted to be a part of. All of the men (and sometimes women) there were accepting and had stories of their own that they shared with grace and humility. NoFap didn't exist. Nothing on the internet like this existed. Not that it makes a difference. For months I was sexually sober. No porn. No acting out. I still masterbated, but for the most part it was no longer about objectification or the degrading of women. It was nice, more of a relationship with myself, rather than a sickness of feeding the urge. Life was good. I feel that there were times where everything was going right. And then a switch would go off in my head, and I'd think that I could treat myself, or it won't hurt that much, or it's just one time what harm could it do. Why I still have those thoughts now after knowing everything I know I can't say. But I will say that the times in my life where I was "sober" were the best times of my life. I worked harder than ever before. I had amazing relationships with women that didn't come from a need to release but more from a feeling to connect. My life was going great. And yet, I sit here again trying to pick up the pieces of what I remember my life being, without seeing my life for what it is. I'm sad, and lonely. I look in the mirror and I become disgusted with myself. I sought therapy and counseling. Maybe not hard enough. That's why I'm here now at least. I'm just tired of feeling alone, and scared in this world. Growing up I was always told to man up or be a man, or any stupid cliche of masculinity that young men are told by their dads. By my estimation, doing the numbers, two years of my life have been spent in front of the computer. Two full fucking years. Every time I do this I just want to crawl into a hole and have someone toss the dirt on me. It's been harder lately to not have those thoughts invade my head. Those thoughts of fear and depression. My hope is that starting here can get me back to that path of happiness that I know I can have. Back to that place where I feel in control. Back to that place where I'm not so disappointed when I look in the mirror in the morning. Just to start. If you read all of this thank you.