A/V

I have been a serial PMO for 40 years, married for 22. Had no girlfriends in HS and very few in college. It was so much easier to PMO than interact with others. Still have only had physical relations with my wife.

"Borrowed" my stepsister's panties and bras to help me get off. Developed an addiction to lengerie and crossdressing. Off and on considered myself transgendered, bisexual, sissy, gender dysphoric, lesbian, etc. Gained and purged attire more times than I want to count.

Have been diagnosed as depressive and anxious. Have been suicidal. Can't seem to determine if the PMO is a symptom or a cause. Thought marriage would fix it (it didn't), counseling would take it away (it hasn't), that I could control it on my own (I can't).

I have finally come to realize that it is not society's fault, out is not my parents' fault, it is not my wife's fault. I have to own this and truly seek help. I need support. I am looking for a sexual addiction counselor in my area and the support of my wife, my friends, my church, and others who have come to this realization as well.

I am 10 days PMO free, I have confessed to my wife, and I am struggling with the withdrawal. God have mercy on me, a sinner, and help me overcome my unhealthy desires. My wife is real, not pixels. Increase my love and desire for her, not fantasy.

I want to come so bad.