Post published by Tao Jones

From my journal:

At lunch yesterday with my family, a woman entered in tight jeans. I noticed.

(I *always* notice, still, to this day. The plus is that I am empathetic to a fault -- I am almost always aware of where everyone is and how they are feeling, etc. The minus is that I am almost always aware of everything going on around me. In public places, this can be difficult. This is why I enjoy staying close to home. Fewer things to keep track of. [I developed this ability growing up in a home where you had to be on eggshells all the time, lest some careless action or word unpredictably send my dad into a rage.])

I chose to maneuver myself so I was in a position to get a better look at her from behind. It was my choice to do that! Why? I *know* better, but my heart does not always *feel* what I know. My heart sometimes still wants what it has wanted for years to feel okay -- cheap little thrills that hint at connection and intimacy without requiring any work from me -- and, of course, do not actually represent any actual connection or intimacy. Bleargh!

I am really paying attention to this stuff now. I have become aware over the last few weeks how I have been allowing far more of this sort of casual P-sub behavior to occur than I realized. I have not been taking it seriously. But now I can see how this is not okay. Now I am taking it as seriously as I know how.

I do not mean to be dramatic or making mountains out of molehills. Some have advised that I am being too hard on myself and failing to account for what is simply normal behavior for men. But I have been at this fight for going on six years, and I think I should hold myself to a higher standard. (Which, tbh, is simply "normal" for the non-addicted world.) I do not want to be the kind of person who stops in his tracks to check someone out when in public. How foolish! How degrading to myself and her, whoever she may be! How dishonoring to my wife!

I will continue to report in here and reset my counter every time I do so. It *is* a choice, and I made another poor one. I *will* learn how to choose differently. In my own strength I know I cannot, but I have vast reserves of other strength to tap into. Time to get busy doing so. God help me! Here comes number 71!

If I had to select one quality, one personal characteristic that I regard as being most highly correlated with success whatever the field, I would pick the trait of persistence. Determination. The will to endure to the end, to get knocked down 70 times and get up off the floor saying, “Here comes number 71!” – Richard M. Devos, businessman