Post published by Tao Jones

Day 200

Over the last six years, I have slowly crawled out of the cave I had been in for 25 years before that. I started using PMO as a way to cope with the stresses of a hard home life as a teenager. By age 40, I realized I had a real problem, and I tried my hardest to quit. It was one of the scariest moments of my life when I realized I could not. I panicked, as I did not know what to do.

At the prompting of the Spirit, I quit my career in IT so I could get away form computers. Sitting behind the screen for 8 hours a day had always been problematic for me. I realized with God's help that I would not break free of this addiction unless I made dramatic changes. Quitting my IT job was the first step. I become a plumber for the next two years, so I could get away from computers. I had started on the road to freedom and realized that there was a price to pay. My 60% pay cut stung (especially with a wife and two children to support!), but there was no other way forward.

I viewed no P for nine months after that, although I continued to MO on a regular basis. I thought I had the issue beat! But then my employer introduced iPads to the service plumbers process, and I once again had easy access to P where no one could see. I fell back into P again. It was then I realized I needed help from outside myself. I needed to talk to others about this problem and bring it out of the shadows and into the light. Up to this point, I hadn't spoken to anyone about my struggle with PMO in over 10 years.

I joined a Celebrate Recovery (CR) group, which is a Jesus-centered 12-step program. I had to travel a ways to get there, but I was desperate for community. The drive was a small price to pay. I met an amazing friend at my very first meeting, a man who became my first sponsor and who shared openly and vulnerably about his own struggle in this area. He showed me how to be open and honest. I learned a lot over the next couple years with that group. I managed to stay away from P pretty consistently, but MO was still in my life. I simply did not see it as a problem at that time.

Due to some family problems, I slipped away from the CR group, and before too long, viewing P became a frequent occurrence again. Completely discouraged, I returned to the CR meeting, and on my first night back, I met a group who were there that night to learn how to run their own CR meeting -- in my hometown! I knew this was God's timing, and I joined with this group right away. I helped establish this local CR meeting and was privileged to lead them through the CR materials for the next 18 months, as I was well versed in them. And during that entire time, I stayed away from P 100%. I had this thing beat now for sure!

Then I had a very difficult encounter with my parents and my brother. There remains to this day a lot of brokenness and hurt in my family, but this particular negative interaction happened unexpectedly. I was caught off-guard and, in a panic, I returned to P for comfort, going back to my well-established pattern. I was ashamed and did not confess my fall to my CR group. Within weeks, it had completely fallen apart. Under my false leadership, it could not survive. The other CR group I had attended previously had also disbanded during the interim period. I despaired.

It took a year for me to regroup after that. During that year, PMO was again a regular event. I loathed it. Even though I knew all the right things to do, I felt alone in the struggle. Then, in a moment of clarity, I wondered if there might be an online support group for this struggle. I had checked out online groups years prior but decided at that time that it would be best if I was online as little as possible.

Thus it was I found NoFap.com. This was August of 2018. I have been a member of the NoFap community ever since. I immediately set about finding APs that I could share with. By early September I had learned the NoFap teaching on PMO and realized that MO was one thing that had been holding me back this entire time. I committed to no PM and O only with my wife.

That was 200 days ago. In that time, I have viewed no P and had zero MO. I do not plan to ever go back to either habit. I know there is nothing there but disaster, destruction, and death. But I no longer feel as if I have this thing beat for good. I have learned that I cannot trust myself. I will fall again if I let my guard down. The urges are easier to manage today than before, but the thoughts are still there, and I could easily choose to feed them and end up right back where I started. So I commit each day before my many APs not to do that. And so I will continue, one day at a time, hopefully for the rest of my life.

These are the things that have been most helpful to me on my journey so far:

1. My higher power, Jesus Christ. Apart from his strength, I can do nothing.
2. The Eight Principles of Celebrate Recovery. (https://celebraterecovery.com/resources/cr-tools/8principles)
3. More Than a Sunday Faith by Chris Suitt (http://www.morethanasundayfaith.com). This practical instruction on how to exercise self-control over your thoughts is absolutely indispensable. It is something I practice continually, every day.
4. Accountable2You software (https://accountable2you.com). This monitoring software is not a filter, but it records everything you do online and sends a report to your APs. It is installed on every electronic device in my house, and I will not allow a new one in unless this is installed on it first. Vital protection in weak moments!
5. Daily check-ins with my APs. I check in with multiple APs every single day on NoFap.com. I also stay in regular contact with a group of men on a NoFap Discord server and directly via WhatsApp. I have committed to confess to these men within 24 hours anything that comes up that might be leading me down the road back to PMO. I owe them my life and the deepest debt of gratitude possible. They are truly my brothers! (Matthew 12:48-50)
6. The "bounce method" taught by Everyman's Battle. The first look at something that tempts you is often unavoidable and not under your control. The second look is *always* a choice. Learn to bounce your eyes away from anything that might trip you up.