I'm the new GF of a suspected Addict, help?

Hi All, this was my first post in the SOS board (I edited a bit before posting here) but I am hoping to get as many opinions as possible and hear both sides to better understand this addiction. I hope I'm doing this right, not sure how to notify about triggers, etc. so my apologies and let me know what I can do better for future posts.

I'm in a bit of a different situation. I've only been dating this guy for about three months so not years or married like many of you, but I suspect that he is a PMO addict. We're both mid-late 30s if that matters and things got fairly serious pretty quickly.

What's also different is he doesn't hide things from me. He's very honest and forthright, admitting to PMOing at least every day if not multiple times per day. He also objectifies women into body parts (mainly "boobs and butts" - his words - plus sometimes lips) and leers at them in public. He has admitted to doing this in front of me even if I didn't notice, asking if I did. Everything seems to make him "horny" (he tells me when he feels that way, usually when we're on the phone) and I have grown to hate that word because I know it means he did or is about to get himself off, to porn or fantasies about whatever or whoever was arousing him at that time. I just know it isn't me. Also, having watched The Great Porn Experiment, I now understand why he might masturbate with his left (non-dominant) hand.

He has hardly ever been able finish with me and even those few times it (sorry if TMI) took more than typical/vanilla stuff to do so. Not PIV, BJs or HJs. He can't even really finish himself off if I'm there, though he managed to once, again with the aid of less conventional stimulation. Although I KNOW this isn't a reflection on me, I can't NOT take it personally to some extent. I quite literally can't do it for him. It feels like I'm getting the scraps while his real sex / connection / commitment is reserved for mental and/or pixelated fantasy.

He initially blamed his ED/DE on anti-depressants which I'm not saying don't factor in - but he'd likely have problems when alone too, wouldn't he? He's made it clear he doesn't have a problem when by himself. He also mentioned he gravitates to or fast-forwards the porn for the harder stuff. He's actually showed me a lot of his porn sites, and wants to know what I'm into. I just remembered that he did say he felt uncomfortable getting too into it with me right there, though. He's generally very open with talking about sex, sharing past sexual experiences and wants to know mine. He can be super affectionate and sweet and then distant/cold/aloof which is confusing and hurtful.

He does seem to be attracted to me and gets frustrated when he can't get or stay aroused. We take lots of "breaks" in our encounters. He even admitted the porn was probably contributing to a lot of these problems but was worried if he quit and real sex got better, he'd never be able to go back to porn again. Is it just me or does this all scream porn addiction?

I was in a previous relationship many years ago where I was rejected and replaced by porn. This last weekend was the first time my current bf turned me down. That hurt. We only see each other once or twice a week though we talk on the phone almost every day and do text every day at least a few times. He is now aware that porn makes me uncomfortable but not to what extent it bothers me. So I'm going to have that conversation with him ASAP so he knows where I stand. I'm taking a hard line and want to let him know how it's hurting me and us, preventing us from really connecting or bonding and that I don't want to be in a relationship where porn and fantasy are more important than me and reality.

In some ways I'm glad to know from the beginning. But I wonder, am I a fool to discuss it and even try to make things work when it's so early on in the relationship? Should I just cut my losses and run now? He's a great guy in so many ways but I'm scared of where this path may lead. I know I deserve better. I deserve someone who prioritizes me and gives me his all. I was hoping it could be him but now I just don't know.

You all, fapstronauts for wanting to change and SOs for being strong and supporting them, are such an inspiration - I've been reading the forums here and on Reddit to try to educate myself and learn more about porn addiction. There's so much information and support, I'm hoping you can offer any advice or help for me. Thanks so much!

 

Thank you @outedskeleton, I appreciate your candor. I am working up my courage to have the difficult conversation. Truthfully, the porn is not just affecting our sex life but my feelings for and toward him. So it is a deal breaker. I think to continue on without saying anything would just lead to more resentment and a messier situation over all. I still struggle with my feelings about porn in a society that has come to accept it as a reasonable activity. No one wants to feel like a prude but having suffered the ill effects of extreme use not once but twice now, I just can't stay quiet about my opinion any more. I guess I'm zero tolerance from here on out and worry that I won't be able to find anyone in agreement with that. Still, I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where I will never feel like I'm enough... where I feel "less than." Who wants that? Thanks again!

 

Thank you @i_wanna_get_better1, I really appreciate the lengthy and thoughtful response. I'm the child of 2 substance addicts and am starting to face my codependency - I used to think I had no addictions but am seeing that this is my own vice to conquer. I haven't had the talk yet. I'm still working up my courage. I hate confrontation and hurting people. This is going to hurt me too. Is it hopeful that he's mentioned the porn could be an issue, that he's not sure he could quit, and that he knows he uses it to self-soothe? OR is that actually a bad sign that he is aware of all that but hasn't done anything to change thus far? I know these issues predate me but again, it seemed like he wanted to focus on the antidepressants as the sole cause.

I'm not ok with porn being his mistress. I'm less ok with how I feel right now, like I'M the mistress in his relationship with porn and objectification of women in general and have no right to be upset about it because they came first. I appreciate the support and any words of advice you can offer. I know the ultimate stay/go decision is up to me but will take all the insight I can get before making that decision. Thanks again!

 

Thanks @noexcuses, I feel like 3 months is a good point to evaluate where the relationship is and where it might be going so now's the time. I know I can't and won't live my life feeling like this. It's awful. I also feel like I've been the "learning" girlfriend so many times, after which they get their life together. I just usually realize that a little too late and so here I am. I'd like to break that pattern.

What is the wake up moment like, when you go from being ok with it (to the point of addiction) to realizing it is an actual addiction and how much it's costing you? Is it a slow growth process or an explosive epiphany?

 

THANK YOU. This literally made me cry: "No one should come in second place to porn." It is so right and I know that but it helped to see you put it there in black and white. I feel like being put second to porn also opens the door to being less prioritized in other ways as well. As hard as it is, I'm going to lay it all out there and see what he says. It comes down to "this is affecting our relationship, it bothers me and I am unhappy - what are you willing to do about that, if anything?"

 

Thanks @phil86. I plan to show him the Great Porn Experiment, yourbrainonporn.com in general, as well as the nofap communities here and on Reddit (he's a HUGE fan/user of Reddit). I'm hoping to use examples he's given me himself to show the lack of intimacy and objectification of people. If you have any other suggestions, I'll gladly take them.

 

Thank you @the crow. Pain is indeed a constant in life but I believe with self awareness and love + a willing to work/compromise, it can be minimized - at least among those who are supposed to care about one another. The world at large is another matter.

 

Thanks for moving my thread to this board. I do have an update too. Last night we had a conversation about porn, etc. after he made a comment about a movie we were watching. Some parts of it went down better than others. He acknowledged again that the porn is a problem and told me I could ask about his habits at any time. He says he wants to work on it, wean off in his words, but that it's hard when he's down or needs self soothing, and since we don't live together I'm not always there to help, so to speak. I did offer to be there whenever possibly, daily if needed, to help him through it. We didn't go into any detailed plans/intentions, though.

When I addressed the objectification and issues with him telling me about other women (and high school girls) making him horny to the point he had to masturbate, he got defensive, telling me that all guys are like that and they're visual and asked me if I wanted him to just not tell me about it. I told him the cat was kinda out of the bag so I'm already thinking it every time he's out with or without me, which sucks. I told him looking is natural but leering/objectification to the point of needing to masturbate seemed a bit much. He thought I was accusing him of being a bad or deviant person, when that stuff is perfectly normal according to him. I asked him how he would feel if I told him I'd been out with a bunch of guys and got so turned on I had to come home and masturbate. He didn't know how he'd feel. Am I being naive here? All the NoFap info I've read says after quitting porn, a lot of men stop objectifying women as much and can see them as real people instead of body parts for their own personal gratification. I didn't press the issue any further - he had to work today. I was glad to get the issue aired and he told me he expects this to be an ongoing conversation and that he was happy about our talk, that we were able to communicate. So that's good, right? Any thoughts/suggestions/advice/caution anyone can offer at this point? I really appreciate all the help I can get. My previous issue with porn addiction went without too much communication and resulted in breaking up/divorce (though there were other issues at play).

 

Thanks @i_wanna_get_better1. Your experience and insights have been incredibly helpful. I learned after our conversation that he has stopped masturbating (I hadn't asked), he told me this at the 6 or 7 day mark which I thought was a good sign. We haven't had a chance to talk about it in depth but I plan to soon (after Christmas - doesn't seem right to do it right at the holiday) and he has voluntarily shared some things that indicate he understands that he's hurt me and wants to make things better. It's extremely early and I admit my guard is still up. I'm cautiously hopeful/optimistic but know there's a long road ahead of building trust and starting to feel safe. Thank you for saying that - that he is responsible to make me feel safe. I am going to hold him to it. Because right now I don't feel safe at all, and it's a terrible anxious feeling.

I have dozens of links I've researched on porn addiction, PIED, objectification of women, nofap (both here and on Reddit), info for partners, etc. Are there any specific articles or videos you could recommend to help show him all these effects that he may not be aware of? He has seen the Great Porn Experiment and acknowledges that the effects of porn are bad, but I'd like to give him something more concrete to show how far reaching the effects can be and how it affects me and our relationship. Any tried and true or particularly poignant/hard-hitting sources I can relay? I'd like to read them too.

This has shaken my faith in a lot of things and I'd really like to find some stability again, preferably in the relationship but I will do what I have to in order to protect myself.

Thanks again for everything!

 

Hi @mishka ! Welcome! I'm super new too and this site has been a huge source of information and support. Some of it was scary and disheartening, some so touching and inspirational. It's a good splice of the spectrum I think. This has been my first post on the main boards, but I'm a member of the SOS group (Significant Other Support) as well. Definitely check that out if you haven't already.

I was actually going to come update today. This week has been really interesting. I learned he had 1 relapse just over 1 week into it (triggered by Reddit main page images, no videos or sought out material at least) but he has been abstaining since - today is day 9 I think? To be clear, he isn't doing a nofap challenge. He's more experimenting to see how PMO might be affecting our physical relationship and how much it contributes to his ED/DE. In just that short a period of time, we've seen amazing progress: his ED has greatly improved (seriously, it's night and day - before he'd have to stop and re-stimulate himself or we'd have to take a break) and he has reported being much more sensitive so the whole experience is more pleasurable. Last night he was actually able to finish via PIV for the very first time in our relationship. I almost cried. Not only that but it was amazing and seemed like it was so much better, and way more intense, for him including the few other occasions he was able to finish with me in other ways. We were even able to try for a second round shortly thereafter and got thisclose to a repeat. I didn't think that was even possible for us/him.

In my particular case, I feel like the best thing I could have done was bring up my concerns, how it's affecting me, us, etc. without issuing an ultimatum. Our relationship is too new I think for that to work. He needed to realize the problem for himself. I think he may have stopped PMO partially to prove that it WASN'T the problem and was then surprised at what a difference it's made. This morning he admitted feeling stupid, thinking all those issues came from his anti-depressants and had nothing to do with PMO when that's exactly what was going on. I tried to comfort him as best I could, after all the past is past, and told him I'm just glad we've figured it out now and we can both look forward to things getting even better. As much improvement as we've seen in such a short period of time, I can't wait to see how much better they get with even more time. He agreed.

I am still not getting my hopes too high, time will tell, but I am much more optimistic. Hearing him admit as much as he has and finally being able to finish with me in a more "normal" fashion seems to have brought us closer together. I feel safer and more secure than I had before. I plan to keep up here as a touchpoint so I can update, learn more, and maybe even help someone else eventually. I had no idea how big an issue this was and hope to find a way I can help the movement toward awareness of the dangers and consequences of PMO, including disrespect and objectification of women and the destruction of intimate relationships. I can speak from personal experience for sure.

I'm still looking for more articles on the unexpected consequences of PMO so if anyone comes across anything, please share.

Take care and good luck, all!