Questions for SOs

Lying by omission is what you've just described. If she doesn't know the extent of what you've done, she is blissfully ignorant. Keeping things from your SO to save yourself judgment, and possible hurt on their side, is taking away their freedom of choice. By keeping the truth from her, you're denying her right to choose to stay with you or leave. You can't have a relationship with secrets, and it is far better to tell the whole truth and possibly have her leave you. You want her to love you, right? Accept you? You don't get people to accept and love you through hiding parts of yourself. They end up loving an illusion of you, a facade. In the end, it's manipulative.

I'm an addict dating an addict and we've learned this over the past 2 years fighting our addictions. Tell the whole truth. It will come out eventually because it will eat at you. Lying affects a relationship even if you can't see it. It can distance you from your partner emotionally. She is going to ask you questions and you would do right to answer them honestly and completely.

That is my very strong opinion on this matter, formed through the secrets I've kept as well as the lies of my SO. Good luck.

 

The only way now is forward. You're right. There are seemingly good reasons behind keeping things from others, or else no one would lie! Though those reasons are usually rooted in fear. You're already trying to see it from her point of view, so ask yourself, would you want to know? Would you want to know what your wife has done in secret for years? You would probably be reluctant to hear it, but in the end we have to face what we're afraid of. Otherwise this addiction would consume us. I'm sure your wife is stronger than you think. I would start by giving her a general overview of what you've done over the years and let her decide how much she wants to know (at that moment) after that by asking you questions.

Congrats on your first 30 days, by the way!

 

You're very welcome! The unknown is scary, but it's also freeing. Giving up PMO is taking a trip into the scary unknown, but I will tell you that everyone who has made this trip has discovered a better life on the other side. You're well on your way, and I think you and your wife will be much happier because of this. For now, trust those feelings and experiences you've had with your wife. Fear is a tricky thing to deal with. It tends to tell us its own lies to keep us "safe". Going outside of your comfort zone is the only way you'll grow as a person, however, and is also the only way you will find the real you beneath all of the dirt and grime. It's definitely part of the process, and no doubt you will learn a lot about yourself, your wife, and your life in general during.

I would recommend therapy (perhaps with a male therapist) to sift through your trust issues with women and any other issues which will inevitably arise as you stop numbing out your feelings with PMO. I wish you luck on your journey!

 

There was an issue with approving new member requests to the group but that has been fixed now. FYI

 

Thanks for that info. How will those of us making requests to join be notified when we are approved?

 

Please accept my request to join. I've recently discovered my SO is an addict. We are recently married but we've been together for a long time. He once told me he "isn't into that stuff anymore", but now I've found out the habit returned not long before the wedding. Our intimacy is gone and our sex life is non existent. I'm very hurt and I feel very alone in this.

 

We'd be glad to have all SOs. Unfortunately a while ago there was some kind of update that made it so we admins cannot invite members. So you need to click on groups, then SOS group and follow the steps to join.

Or click here.
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?groups/sos-significant-others-support.18/

For a while that wasn't working either, but that's been fixed now. The group now also has it's own private forums. It looks just like the main forums at nofap but unless you are a member you can't see it. It says public but we've carefully tested it and no one can see the forums within our group unless they are a group member.

Let me know if you have trouble joining.

 

don't tell her just keep it to yourself and never do it again.. if you love her she wouldn't want to kno honestly show her with your actions

 

Dude. 1. This question was asked and answered in 2016. 2. This thread is about a support group for significant others of porn addicts. You're a porn addict. You really think this is the place for you to answer questions? Especially if your answer is, lie to your partner. Seriously, go deal with your addiction and leave the SOs alone. (Ie, telling another porn addict, in a thread for SOs, to lie by omission to his partner is not that.)

 

1. I didn't say lie smh I said don't tell them... I didn't say keep doing it after either
if I made a mess at home but cleaned it up and you didn't notice when you got there do I have to tell you?..
with your super moral compass I guess you would say yes but me thinking I don't care to upset you or raise blood pressures over a solved problem would say no!...
now if I lost your cat then I would tell you but some things you don't need to go into detail about you kno? it only applies to certain things so...