Support/advice for wife of an addict

ThePaintingWife · Jan 3, 2016

Hi all,

I am new to nofap, this is only my second post. My husband and our marriage is struggling with PMO addiction among other things. He is going to counseling and is close to 3 months PMO free. I'm proud of how far he had come and I do recognize and appreciate that he is trying to change. He's communicating more, and very careful around other women now - I actually had to tell him last week that it was ok for him to make eye contact with the attractive female store clerk! With some prompting, he admitted he is so scared of upsetting me and losing me (by crossing that line into flirting again - it has been quite the issue in the past) that he is very anxious around other women. It pained me to hear this and I told him I trust that he knows where that line is now, and will respect it. So yes, he is trying, and improving greatly....

What I'm struggling with tonight though is "why."
My hurt and anger over what he did, and his dishonesty around it all just bubbles up like this at times and it is so discouraging. He hurt me deeply, but I do recognize that the remorse he feels over what he did is nearly as intense as my grief.
Why, then, am I still having these periods of panic and insecurity??? I can't shake the idea that he did it all because he didn't love me at the time, or was resenting me, or was unattracted to me... Etc. I read over and over that it's not because I'm "not attractive enough" for him, but I still feel so worthless after finding out everything. My feelings seem illogical to me and are very frustrating.

Tonight I am really having troubles finding compassion for him and his behaviour, even though I know it is a struggle and that he is trying... I'm just so hurt that I want to run away and protect myself. I am so afraid of being hurt like this again by him.

Can anyone give me some insight on this? I am really lacking courage tonight.

P.S. I am curious if anyone (spouses of addicts in particular) could recommend some forums or resources for someone in my position? I have found nofap helpful for understanding the addiction more, but wondering if it's OK to be asking for support here or not (as spouse of an addict, not an addict). I've searched for resources but it's hard to find online communities that are positive and encouraging about this, and not just "he's a jerk, you should leave." That is definitely not the type of atmosphere I want to be going to for comfort right now, I want to try to save this marriage!

All Married · Jan 3, 2016

I think you are saving your marriage, just supporting his recovery from this addiction is a massive thumbs up for you. Can't be easy for you at all and it's understandable that you feel how you feel. I very much doubt it's because he didn't love you it's much more likely he fell into the trap on porn addiction. Porn is the real evil in relationships and it lures us into it. I can't absolve anyone from their own choice to view porn but it's often not just a case of choosing but more of being enticed and caught by porn without knowing the harm it does. Porn does pervert the normal desires we have and no doubt he has made much progress in the last three months.

There are several spouses here of addicted porn users and you will find support in these forums for your situation.

Charlene · Jan 3, 2016

I am new here too. As with you, I am hurt and in pain and dont know where to turn. I believe my husband is still using and lying about it.
I have been looking for support groups too.
If i find any, i will let you know. Meanwhile, maybe we can support each other?

bearbones · Jan 4, 2016

Not to take anybody off the hook, but in our modern sex-saturated culture many of us find porn and unhealthy outlets and explanations for our sexuality before finding ways of expressing ourselves that are in harmony with our natural, God-given instincts and desires. I know for me, my experience with PMO programmed me to have certain expectations and attitudes about sex, relationships, commitment, respect, and emotional well being. Frankly, I am completely unequipped to be in a healthy relationship as a result of my own choices concerning PMO and promiscuity.

Please don't take it personally and don't allow these insidious addictions and maladies to victimize you or your relationship! I'm sure your husbands/partners feel your pain and are struggling to make things right in your relationship. He probably doesn't know any better, and by bringing these issues to his attention you have done one of the greatest things a partner can do. You have probably changed his reality and he will need to adjust. He needs to do the leg work to overcome his addiction, but it is possible and he has help if he needs it. Just trust that love can and will bring you through, pray for your spouse, maintain your own confidence, and try to be supportive as he goes through these changes.

Again, its not easy, but it is worth it. And not to take him off the hook, but he probably thought he was just being a normal guy without realizing how insidious pornography is and what a profound effect it is having on modern individuals, relationships, and society as a whole! Best of luck, stay strong sisters

JESUSchild · Feb 25, 2016

You can contact her https://www.reddit.com/user/hopefulwife

Risingabovebetrayaltrauma · Oct 21, 2018

If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. I've been there and I also help others.

Deleted Account · Oct 24, 2018

I'm going to move your journal over to the Partner Support section. There you can meet and discuss your situation with many other people in the same shoes. This forum is mostly for women with porn addictions trying to reboot.

Vixen · Oct 25, 2018

ThePaintingWife said: ↑

Hi all,

I am new to nofap, this is only my second post. My husband and our marriage is struggling with PMO addiction among other things. He is going to counseling and is close to 3 months PMO free. I'm proud of how far he had come and I do recognize and appreciate that he is trying to change. He's communicating more, and very careful around other women now - I actually had to tell him last week that it was ok for him to make eye contact with the attractive female store clerk! With some prompting, he admitted he is so scared of upsetting me and losing me (by crossing that line into flirting again - it has been quite the issue in the past) that he is very anxious around other women. It pained me to hear this and I told him I trust that he knows where that line is now, and will respect it. So yes, he is trying, and improving greatly....

What I'm struggling with tonight though is "why."
My hurt and anger over what he did, and his dishonesty around it all just bubbles up like this at times and it is so discouraging. He hurt me deeply, but I do recognize that the remorse he feels over what he did is nearly as intense as my grief.
Why, then, am I still having these periods of panic and insecurity??? I can't shake the idea that he did it all because he didn't love me at the time, or was resenting me, or was unattracted to me... Etc. I read over and over that it's not because I'm "not attractive enough" for him, but I still feel so worthless after finding out everything. My feelings seem illogical to me and are very frustrating.

Tonight I am really having troubles finding compassion for him and his behaviour, even though I know it is a struggle and that he is trying... I'm just so hurt that I want to run away and protect myself. I am so afraid of being hurt like this again by him.

Can anyone give me some insight on this? I am really lacking courage tonight.

P.S. I am curious if anyone (spouses of addicts in particular) could recommend some forums or resources for someone in my position? I have found nofap helpful for understanding the addiction more, but wondering if it's OK to be asking for support here or not (as spouse of an addict, not an addict). I've searched for resources but it's hard to find online communities that are positive and encouraging about this, and not just "he's a jerk, you should leave." That is definitely not the type of atmosphere I want to be going to for comfort right now, I want to try to save this marriage!
Click to expand...

I feel your pain! Going through a lot of the same stuff but a couple months behind you. My husband lied again and I’m feeling possibly more trauma than before. Maybe I was numb at first. I found this book shortly after news of his addiction/decades long betrayals and it was quite good. Maybe I need to listen to it again since I’m possibly leaving the haze of numbness/denial.

Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal https://www.amazon.com/dp/0800729129/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_t-G0BbVTF8CW8

kropo82 · Oct 26, 2018

ThePaintingWife said: ↑

I am curious if anyone (spouses of addicts in particular) could recommend some forums or resources for someone in my position? I have found nofap helpful for understanding the addiction more, but wondering if it's OK to be asking for support here or not (as spouse of an addict, not an addict). I've searched for resources but it's hard to find online communities that are positive and encouraging about this, and not just "he's a jerk, you should leave." That is definitely not the type of atmosphere I want to be going to for comfort right now, I want to try to save this marriage!
Click to expand...

It's definitely fine to come here for support, especially in this forum (the one that @Jen@8675309 moved this thread into). Two other places that get mentioned as useful (e.g. by @Kenzi and @TryingHard2Change's wife) are

Betrayal Trauma Recovery and

Bloom

(from this thread).

And there's a support group on these forums for partners of addicts that's closed, i.e. only partners, not addicts like me, can join. That's here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?groups/sos-significant-others-support.18/

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Support/advice for wife of an addict

ThePaintingWife Fapstronaut

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