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HE TOLD SOMEONE IRL

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Queenie%Bee, Jul 18, 2019.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I am way cool lol , I’m explaining my stance but you could take a note on grace when approaching ANYONE commenting on my post . @TryingHard2Change is at least holding himself accountable. Admitting his faults , is IN recovery and has been brutally honest and open with his wife . THAT I respect.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ok ok . Post over . Have a good night . No more kicking people when they are down . Conversation was way off topic and getting personal .
     
  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Don't feed the condescending and patronizing trolls. That's all I have to say about one particular poster.

    @Qnb42078 It's good that he finally spoke to someone about it, but he should get some balls and speak to you about it directly, instead of going to his sister, knowing you'll hear it from her. It is totally understandable that you would not feel as though you can trust him again. He has proven over and over and over that you can't. You have been through a lot and have fought and fought. You do what you gotta do to take care of you and your boys. :emoji_hearts:
     
  4. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Women in general are not complicated, really. To be loved, honored, respected and appreciated would make many of us happy.

    Unfortunately that’s the exact opposite of what most wives aka so’s of PA’s experienced. The experience of betrayal trauma makes us complicated
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    It's a shame that this thread's drifted so far from the first post. It is interesting (for us porn addicts) to hear what our significant others think about us reaching out to tell someone in real life. My wife is quite anxious that I do not tell many people, and she is reluctant to tell people too. She is close to her sister, but she hasn't told her. She's reminded me several times that she does not want me to tell our kids (we've a 26 year old daughter and a 24 year old son). I think what frightens her is that it would destroy peoples respect for me. I present as somewhat the opposite of a porn addict. I have told our best friend, and I have come very close to telling my sister. We have discussed pornography a few times over the years and in fact the last time was a couple of weeks ago when I stayed over. But it was a political discussion and I couldn't see a way to turn it deeply personal. I'm reluctant to talk to my brother about it, I suspect he's addicted too.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. My wife and I are about as completely recovered from all of this as I can imagine. It takes time and consistency and honesty, but healing does happen. The main thing that makes the difference, imho? The PA must be 100% done with the addiction. It is hard if not impossible for the relationship to heal when the addict is still active in the addiction.

    Out of respect for the OP, I won't comment further along these lines in this thread, but if you want to start a new thread asking these questions and tag me in it or DM me, I am happy to discuss my own experience.
     
  7. Sweetheart, my goodness, you are certainly one to tempt fate! Not sure if you have any belief in karma (or the golden rule, doing unto others...) but I would be scared to death to throw something like this out into the world. I've been around long enough to see every single thing I've ever done boomerang right back to me. Please do work on empathy towards your brothers and sisters.

    I won't say anything else other than attempt to address what I believe you are seeking in these posts - why do the SOs stay with the men? Do the men have some sort of superpowers? Are they Gods in the bedroom because they have learned so much from P? Did the PA just do a good job of finding someone so unsure of herself that she will stay through whatever? Are all the SOs here weak, living in poverty and dependent on the man therefore can't leave? The answer is NO. We LOVE our partners. Love is a powerful thing. It's really the only thing that can overcome the evil that exists in the world and more importantly, the evil that exists within ourselves.
     
  8. This is not at all true. Loving the unlovable is a real thing. We are not loved because we are good already; we are and become increasingly good because we are loved no matter what. At least, that has been my experience. (And I do mean this in a spiritual sense, referring to God's love for us. I do not believe such love is possible by humans without God's help.)

    Now I have completely derailed this thread once again, and I apologize profusely to the OP! From here on out, my hands are tied and I will type no more! :)
     
  9. It's clear to me that you have been hurt deeply. I don't know by who or when or why but I think we can help if you share with us YOUR feelings and YOUR experiences. I tried to look into your story a bit to get a better understanding of you, but your information is locked down. I get it. Maybe too painful to go there at this point. I hope you'll be able to open up in the future and allow the community to help you as it has helped us. I'm glad you are here where help can be found. We can be very supportive when given the opportunity. I hope it's ok that I follow you in hopes of learning more about you and being able to support you in your journey, whatever that involves. Best of luck to you.
     
  10. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    If you link these two thoughts from the very same post from yourself then you should have some perspective.

    Plenty in life isn't fair. I don't think a moral inventory is the way to go for this very reason. It doesn't mean we shouldn't try to be civilized in our dealings with each other, but fundamentally it is a matter of being myopic and wanting to advocate for "our side." Beyond the men/PA side vs. the SO side there is a whole bunch of context that is ignored, and the immediate context here is it is a personal post about the SOs experience. This forum is Partner Support. To ignore the context is most likely the self centered tendency that addiction recovery speaks about, even if it is generalized to the PAs side of the story rather than a particular individual advocating for that group.
     
    Numb and Deleted Account like this.
  11. Me too! So sorry OP! Back to the attention on YOU!
     
  12. Human beings are complicated. The complexity is baked right into the cake. No way around it. Enjoy the ride!

    And now, having gone back on the promise to henceforward remain silent that I have only just made, I throw myself on @Qnb42078 's mercy and hope that she will not banish me from her threads forever after all of this. Good day!
     
    Numb and Deleted Account like this.
  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    She’s “fine” . Your fine ❤️
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  14. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    We're all fine.

    (except we're not .. we're all here, on NoFap, struggling through our own journies...)

    But maybe, just maybe, we are all on the road / on the pathway to being fine. :)
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    FFS I HOPE SO !
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  16. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    ...took me a second to decode "FFS". ;)
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  17. I just now got it!! I'm saving that one for future use. Love it.
     
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  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ha !
    I walk around saying FFS . It’s better than saying all of it especially in the grocery store .
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  19. Sir Minato

    Sir Minato Fapstronaut

    Hey guys. I have read through the whole thread. I seem to understand both sides even though I question some of Augustine's methods of communication.
    I think there is a huge communication and interpretation problem here.

    Augustin is trying to understand whether there is a possible way to heal a relationship that goes through a PA revelation. In his special case a friend of him has a wife that deals with it by pure control 100% of the time, and his friend can't even have a relaxed day off. And his friend might even be trying his best to fight his addiction and is honest and transparent and yet gets treated with full control.

    On the other hand, we have wives that have tried their best to support their PA and have been betrayed several times who wanted to stay with their partner cause they loved them and of course because of the bond that doesn't simply fade away.

    These are two scenarios. Augustin wants to know: is it possible to recover from PA reveal, preferably if both sides do their best to achieve that.

    On the other hand: SOs that have tried to recover together and even then have still been betrayed and had to make the healthy choice to let go for themselves.

    Thus, these SO's in here can't help Augustin find what he wants to know. I suggest Augustin opens a new thread and asks this question directly to get answers from couples that went through the process and give detailed answers on how they did it.

    I think Augustine projected the frustration he felt for his friend's wife onto you mistakenly, finding his friend's wife behaving too harsh.

    I hope this is clearer now to everyone and we can return to the actual purpose of the thread.

    If I got something wrong we should still discuss it in the new thread if Augustin opens one. Think everyone involved will be fine if you tag them.
     
  20. Sir Minato

    Sir Minato Fapstronaut

    I can relate to you and I'm glad to see that you are setting that border for you. He is not the only one who needs to heal. You said you were in it for many years. You don't even know the feeling anymore how a healthy relationship can feel where you can let go and trust and know that your partner has deep values he lives by. Thus it is the best for both of you if he can just learn to take responsibility for himself and not fear losing you at the same time with his actions, and you don't have to think and fear and endure what this addiction does with him. And it's great that he is able to take steps now to deal with this better by telling people IRL.
     
  21. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Based on all, if not most of the resources, I believe it IS possible for a relationship to recover from this but it will
    Take
    A lot
    Of hard work - as individuals and as a couple.

    I personally think it can NOT be done without professional
    Help. There are too many wounds and too many deep
    Issues from
    Present and pass
    That need to be addressed.

    I think most relationships fail because one or both partners lost the will to fight
    Thru
    This.

    Agustine’s “friend” should listed
    To Coach Carol and read her book
    “Help her Heal”.
     
  22. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Tell your “friend” to read “Out of the Doghouse” by Robert Weiss too. He also hosts a live interactivr Q & A on mondays @ sexandrelationshiphealing.com. That’s a good place for resources to understand sex addictio and its impact to partners. Your “friend” will find it quite valuable.
     
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